I can't determine what to think now

I lost 3 grand and my work got much much harder to get closer to my goals, and it feels like what if I just want to end it all, because I know failure or not, I will not receive what I need. So it's not cowardly to die, but why the **** people need to instigate and feel they are so self righteous. Man, everyone can go to hell, I go to my version of it, everyone else can leave me alone.

Like that's if I believe in anything, like I get it we don't like this talk we don't like these people who bring everyone down, but I don't do this every day anymore period, I can't open up that I'm hurting, because I'm a problem.

You see me as a problem you don't see me as a person.

Feeling your life amounts to nothing, because people are so damn indifferent if I died in front of people they'd be shocked, but not caring afterwards or show pity or remorse taking it out on me. I know people only care about what looks good for others. It makes me sick to be alive, it's selfish, but **** everyone is doing the same damn thing around here. I'm not happy, my mom and dad were never here for me neither were my friends no one, so when people say it's in my head I get angry, because it's not. I know when it is and when it isn't, it's so little it didn't help much, because not how less it was it was always indifferent to being intimate seeing my heart how damaged acknowledging my pain and instead always belittle me for suffering.

**** it happens on here, you know I don't care **** it. My life is meant to be dead, I wasn't supposed to be born. I probably fill my head with lies, but it doesn't change that I am unloved and I can't handle it. All my life handle it, you think I'm full of crap leave it be, I get you may go out your way online to tell me how much you care, but it won't make much of a difference, because people make fronts online. I don't know what or who to believe ever.

I'm not a coward, this **** pushed me past my breaking point, I don't care how bad I'll get, eventually I hope my self destruction of whatever it is shows I'm just a selfish ****, because people only want to see how bad you are. They like the drama and only care if you are hurting and then belittle you to stir the pot. Like **** this living ****.

I've always believed that every life is worth living. Sometimes it is hard to see that. I wish I could be of help.

Like all I wanted to do is help people and do something right. I am very passionate on giving back, but my immediate problem with anything atm feels like I suffer for being lesser or idk. Like it's so bizarre and unreal how dark my life turned to. It feels more like a surreal nightmare. I only find peace asleep.

I really wish I get noticed in what I do and help people like me and anyone struggling. Like I don't care about anything else. It's claustrophobic talking to yourself and feeling you're the black sheep of existence.