[dax415]

Wasn't sure if this counts as depression or in this section, so I'll leave it up to the mods where this goes. Anyway, when things are miserable for me, sometimes I think of my ex from high school. And although this sounds pathetic, our two year relationship was the only one I've had in my life. It wasn't for a lack of trying, but things never seemed to bounce my way with someone I was attracted to ever since. You know how long ago that was? 22 years ago

Anyway when things aren't going so well for me, I look back on those days sometimes. Not really voluntarily....but in dreams I would have and sometimes when a song would come up that reminds me of her and what happened. Toward the end of the relationship there was this guy who was talking to my girlfriend, a classmate. As a boyfriend, when you meet someone and you can tell if this is a friend or someone trying to move in on your girlfriend. And yeah I knew right away what he was doing. I know being in high school you make mistakes, especially relationships. My teacher and friend told me years later that high school is where you practice relationships and how you treat others you care about. (it put some perspective on things)

You see toward the end of our relationship we were having a little bit of problems cause while going out we cut off alot of time with our friends to be together. So toward the end she was telling me she missed her friends. Also another thing was I was a senior and graduating that year (she was 2 years younger than me) so she didnt like the idea of me leaving either. So one of the questions I asked her was point blank....are you attracted to him? She responds without looking me in the eye, oh he's just a Neo Nazi dude. So not to long after that she asks if it would be ok to go to Santa Cruz with him and some friends. I'm really reluctant, but my mom said you cant expect her not to have guy friends and you should have trust in her. So I tell her go ahead have fun and she goes. What she didnt tell me was that it was him, his best friend, and her best friend.....who doesn't like me.

So she comes back and we get into a fight about that. We decide to take a break from each other. And since at this point I cared about her so much, I thought we could at least try and be friends. So now she is hanging out with her friends and of course him. Apparently she is still deciding whether she wants to be with me or not. In the meantime, I hear from her best friend that this guy likes her even though he knows about me. I talk to my girlfriend ( I guess now ex) about this and tell her what's up? This guy likes you and you're hanging out with him? Then she tells me that's his problem and tries to lay a guilt trip on me saying that she trusted me. In my mind I was saying hell ya you could trust me, I never gave you a reason not to.

Well time goes by and we do talk a bit, but its more mellow. Now when she talks to me, she doesn't look me in the eye. Just like she did before we went out. We still do a few things together like go to a mall. And I remember this incident cause of the things she said and what she did that day. We were walking through a department store and there were some bikinis. She looks at me and says "I'll only wear one for you." It was so random I didnt know what to think. Then we head over to Macy's (antoher large department store). And she goes in to try on some clothes. Then she signals me to come in the dressing room with her. I was thinking wtf we are gonna get kicked out. So what do I do? I go in since no one else is around. And after going with her for that long I know her signals and what she really wanted to do in their with me. But do I do it with her in there? Hell no....I'm pissed she's hanging with that dude. Did she really need me to tell her its him or me?

Well after I dont make a move we leave and I take her home. From there a few days later, she makes an attempt to talk to me alone after my last class. But she was near the girl's bathroom so I figured her best friend was inside so this was all just a matter of conveinance. Again, being angry I make small talk and kind of blow her off. At this point it really hits me. She isn't gonna be a part of my life anymore. You see also a day after the mall incident, she called me. She went to go see a football game at a different high school and a really big fight broke out and spilled out to everywhere and thankfully she wasn't hurt. She was scared and looking for comfort and after talking to her she says "I can't run to you anymore". and all things being considered that hurt, especially having made the effort to console her and listen to her.

There was a few more things that happened, but unimportant to mention. Did I handle things perfectly? No . At one point she says to me I thought you were what I wanted but you pushed me away. I pushed her away cause she was keeping another guy in the picture. Then after I graduate....I made a new friend who was now part of my group of friends. He tells me sorry about whatever happened between me and her. Then tells me your better off without her. You see, he was in her Spanish class and she would talk about how cute the other guy was to her girlfriends in class. He knew cause he sat right behind her. So now, again...more anger and hurt.

So with all this you are probably wondering the same thing I am. Why in the hell after all these stupid years I think about this at all? You see there is still apart of me that would like revenge. Sometimes my dreams give me that, sometimes its just reliving the hurt. But the only times I bother to think of this at all is when I'm hurting or feeling incredibly alone. On a typical day I give this no thought, on a mediocre day I dont even remember what happened. When I see a cute girl I'm interested in I dont think, what if she hurts me like she did? It's all faded and in the past, I just dont understand why it surfaces during my worst moments. Deep down I just think its cause I found no one else and at age 40 with my illness there probably wont be for me.

[dax415]

guess no one gives a crap, thanks anyway

[CapedCrusader]

Your story was like a movie. Well it really happens. Just erase her from your life, from your brain and move on. You know, as they say, there are many fishes in the sea. She's not the only one in this world. Go on, find girls. There are different kind of girls so no need to worry. You did not do anything wrong and its not your fault.

[dax415]

thanks for responding, will do my best to not dredge this non sense up

[avlady]

this isn't nonsence in fact it makes alot of sense. we have our pasts to help us in the present deciding who to trust when to trust and when not to trust. your girlfriend must have been just playing the field or was just not mature enough to see how much she meant to you. she was younger, and 2 years doesn't sound like alot but in high school it is. girls just wanna have fun as cindy lauper sings and thats what happens sometimes, it is fun, i'm ashamed to admit how i played the field. i hurt some guys i know, but i figured i was not going to be with one person because i was having so much fun flirting. also at that age it seemed scarry to devote myself to one guy. good luck

[cloudyn808]

Aloha Dax,

I'm with Avlady... Girls just want to have fun at that age. We all have had heartbreaks along the path, the trick is to learn from them and then let go. Don't lose faith because you are ONLY 40! For many of us, the right person came along after that point!

[dax415]

Thank you both for responding, I guess that is basically what my friend said when he said she's young.