[Gareth Monkton]

How would you react to a friend who deliberately set fire to your home ?

Would your reaction be different if you were to later learn that your friend has been diagnosed with pyromania - the mental health disorder having caused him to repeatedly set fire to several smaller structures such as garden sheds, piles of branches from trees, before setting fire to your house with no malice of intent but a compulsion which he could not tesist, even though he was aware of rights and wrongs at the time ?

[littletinyrock]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. However you're feeling, you have a right to feel. When someone commits an offense against us, we're going to have a lot of different emotional reactions to work through and that's normal and healthy. You can recognize that your friend has a problem and didn't commit this act out of malice, but that doesn't mean you have to be okay with it. If you feel betrayed, angry, etc, that's all right. You don't owe him understanding when you're hurting. Self-care should be your primary focus.

A little over five years ago I lost my home to a fire. The fire itself was deemed an accident, but because of the incompetence and neglect of the fire department the house burned down despite being only one block over from the fire house. I've had years to deal with my feelings about this and move on, but it still hurts. If I knew a friend had started the fire--even a very sick friend--I imagine I would have felt betrayed and angry and deeply hurt. I don't think that would be at all unreasonable.

Maybe put distance between you and this friend for a while, to let yourself process. I'd definitely recommend some mindfulness practices. Be aware of how you're feeling, feel it fully, but don't let it consume you. Good luck. If you need to talk to another survivor of a house fire, I'm here.

[(JD)]

No friend...regardless.

[Perna]

I would feel there had to be some malice of intent or they'd set fire to their own or someone else's house? There's something unhealthy there besides the person's pyromania. I would not keep them as a friend.

[divine1966]

Yeah. I don't care what compulsions they have. Setting up houses on fire isn't going to work for me. By this logic it is ok to commit any offense including violence and physical harm just because it's a compulsion. Well serial killers might have compulsions too, it doesn't meAn I am going to stick around

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[Gareth Monkton]

I think diffetently. I have a mental health disorder myself. I have clinical depression which causes psychotic features - hallucinations and delusions. My illness causes me, in fact compels me to do things that I do not want to do, it causes me not to do the things that I should do.

My friends mental illness, pyromania, forces him to do things that he does not choose to do. It is the illness, not the person.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Gareth Monkton

I think diffetently. I have a mental health disorder myself. I have clinical depression which causes psychotic features - hallucinations and delusions. My illness causes me, in fact compels me to do things that I do not want to do, it causes me not to do the things that I should do.


My friends mental illness, pyromania, forces him to do things that he does not choose to do. It is the illness, not the person.

Well you asked what people think. You think differently than those who replied to you. But There must be a reason you asked. You must have some doubts?

Sure it could be mental illness. But if it endangers my life and property, I bail out. As somebody said he could be setting his own or someone else's houses on fire, yet he chose yours. What if you have children and pets in the house, would that be ok for him to set it up on fire? After all he has mental illness.

Wouldn't be ok with me and others who replied to you. In fact I don't know anyone who's be ok with people setting their houses on fire for any reason

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[Gareth Monkton]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well you asked what people think. You think differently than those who replied to you. But There must be a reason you asked. You must have some doubts?

Sure it could be mental illness. But if it endangers my life and property, I bail out. As somebody said he could be setting his own or someone else's houses on fire, yet he chose yours. What if you have children and pets in the house, would that be ok for him to set it up on fire? After all he has mental illness.

Wouldn't be ok with me and others who replied to you. In fact I don't know anyone who's be ok with people setting their houses on fire for any reason

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I appreciatecyour comments and yes I have doubts. If it had been my garden shed then that would be less severe and I could certainly forgive if he has a compelling mental illness like pyromania.

But if I forgive for a garden shed then does it not follow that I should forgive for other objects or is it a case of scale and degree ? Perhaps I should not forgive at all.

[divine1966]

You could forgive. But stay away. What did he set and what's the damage? I hope he pAys for the damage

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[Gareth Monkton]

He set fire to a small, lean-to extension. Its not too badly damaged. I should have explained the extent of the damage earlier. I think people's reactions could have been different if they realised it was a lot less severe.

[Dog on a Tree]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Ultimately it's each to their own. In other words there is no one right answer about this. It's down to us as individuals to figure out whether or not we could forgive someone if this happened to us.
As for me, well I would forgive but the pain of losing a house and all of my belongings would take some time to get over but never the less I would forgive. I'd be upset about the whole situation but hopefully not angry.

Also to pick up on other points made on this thread, in my opinion it's not about the compulsion but the act. A serial killer acts to kill others but 99% of people would never forgive such an act and understandably so. But then you have someone who has the compulsion to throw another person's teddy bear in the dumpster. Most people would be upset by this but most likely forgive. So in my opinion it's not the compulsion but the act. Can we forgive others for their actions, although we can and do take other factors into mind, such as intent, compulsions, etc.

[thecrankyone]

I could forgive, but not forget. I would never trust them again. I hope they are someplace where they are not in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. The fire could have ended in tragedy.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Dog on a Tree

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Ultimately it's each to their own. In other words there is no one right answer about this. It's down to us as individuals to figure out whether or not we could forgive someone if this happened to us.
As for me, well I would forgive but the pain of losing a house and all of my belongings would take some time to get over but never the less I would forgive. I'd be upset about the whole situation but hopefully not angry.

Also to pick up on other points made on this thread, in my opinion it's not about the compulsion but the act. A serial killer acts to kill others but 99% of people would never forgive such an act and understandably so. But then you have someone who has the compulsion to throw another person's teddy bear in the dumpster. Most people would be upset by this but most likely forgive. So in my opinion it's not the compulsion but the act. Can we forgive others for their actions, although we can and do take other factors into mind, such as intent, compulsions, etc.

Sorry but I just can't stop laughing about compulsion of throwing teddy bears in a dumpster. tears were coming out. Omg I don't even know why it is so funny to me but somehow it hit my funny bone

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[Dog on a Tree]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sorry but I just can't stop laughing about compulsion of throwing teddy bears in a dumpster. tears were coming out. Omg I don't even know why it is so funny to me but somehow it hit my funny bone

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Lol, i'm glad it made you laugh who knows, maybe some where in the world there is someone who has such a compulsion?

[divine1966]

I am going to start laughing again.
Oh for real now. I am on break at work and laugh again. Somehow I visualize big burly bearded man throwing a teddy bar in a dumpster. . This lady at work looked at me like I am nuts. There is something wrong with me lol


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[CopperStar]

People have a responsibility to manage their mental health problems to the best of their ability.

Sometimes as someone with bipolar disorder type 1 with psychotic features, I can become extremely enraged and paranoid and feel very violent.

That doesn't make it acceptable for me to actually haul off and attack someone. In those times I need to isolate, and when I am able to get treatment, I need to do so. Only in such a scenario in which I could not avoid someone, could not access medication and am having a severe episode, could it justifiably be said that I could not help myself if I hauled off and hit someone.

If your 'friend' cannot stop themself from setting things on fire, then they have a responsibility to not buy lighters/matches/etc, to not go into people's houses knowing that they might set something on fire, etc. They have a responsibility to keep others safe until they can get proper treatment.

Lighting your house on fire out of malice and lighting your house on fire because they don't bother to take precautions to protect others from their disorder, are not any different at the bottom line. The bottom line is that they made no effort to protect you from themself because they're not really your friend.

[freaka]

we didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning!

[cakeladie]

If there was not to much damage I might just might be able to forgive but not forget. I would also not allow that person around my home.

You have a responsibility to your family. Just because this time did not end to badly does not mean the next time it will not. The life of someone is very precious and this person starts a fire and someone got hurt........how would you feel knowing that this was preventable by keeping this person away

Good luck

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by freaka

we didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning!

Now I have to watch that episode of The Office again lol.