Recent bout of Conflicting Emotions Is Scaring Me!

01:29 AM

Hi, there. This is going to be a long post. Please bare with me.

Today is Saturday, here in SA. From last Sunday, through to Wednesday, I'd been experiencing conflicting thoughts/emotions. One hour I want to socialize, both on and offline. I was at peace, comfortable with the people I was around. In short, I felt good. The next hour was the complete opposite. I wanted to lock myself away and didn't want anyone near me. I just wanted to be left alone. Then, after a while, I would switch back to wanting to socialize and be around people. At the time, it was difficult, but it's nothing compared to what I feel now.

Wednesday morning, I woke up, I repeat: WOKE UP in a murderous rage. I was pissed at everything. This lasted from 4am to 6am. After 6am I'd been switching from hearing one voice that had the strongest urge to cry to a another saying "we're ok, we're ok". Needless to say, I felt both emotions. These switches happened all day within minutes of each other until yesterday.

Yesterday, it stepped up a notch. I still feel that ok-cry-ok switch. Now, it's coupled with the strongest urge to have sex and at the same time,SH. I feel happy then so sad.

It's scaring me. These conflicting waves of emotion are leaving me shaking like a leaf all day, every day since last Sunday. Eaxh emotion is getting stronger, and more complex. I don't what to do. I'm trying to ride them out. The SH part is the scariest because I can't count how many times I reached for a knife at work. When I got home, I went straight to bed: I think I'm safer here. No weapons, and I can take solace in sleep.

What upsets me most is I'd been more or less numb before this. Before this, I had felt emotion three times this year: once in Jan, which led to a breakdown, and twice in May, also leading to an almighty low, then I bounced back to being being numb. After that depressive bout in early May, I felt nothing. Until Sunday. It's like a dam wall has been broken, and all these emotions are flooding out at once. And they're all conflcting.

I feel so sensitive all over. This shaking/restless feeling is annoying. I'm torn between crying my eyes out, SH, and pulling my hair out. And I can't think of any trigger or event that caused that wall of numbness to break away, and leave me with this.

I apologise for the rant. I just don't know where else to turn or what to do.