[rr13]

So my brother is 50 and I just found out he went into hospice care and doesn't have much longer to live. He never married so there's no wife or kids. He's been an alcoholic and drug addict his entire life (started drinking at the age of 9 - we had a bar in our basement growing up). He's also a pathological liar and I swear has a sociopathic personality. He's never felt remorse and has never known right from wrong. I'm saying all this because we've never been close and I stopped all contact with him 6 years ago when he moved to another state. The stress I was feeling and all the pain he has caused my family with his lies and getting into trouble just wasn't worth it to me anymore. He has HIV and never did any of the treatment even though my parents were going to pay for it. He got pneumonia and an infection a few weeks ago and just never got better. The hospital finally convinced him to go into hospice care. We think he was living on the street because he told the doctors he was homeless. My parents were paying his rent and all his bills (a co-dependency relationship that didn't help things), so I don't know why he was on the street. I guess he spent all the money they gave him for rent and treatment on drugs. I feel very sad that he's dying, more that it was such a waste when it didn't have to be this way. I'm also concerned about my parents since they've spent most of their lives trying to save him, so when he's gone, I'm not sure what they're going to do with themselves. You would think they'd feel relief, but they might feel empty with no one to rescue. I'll be an only child then, so I hope they don't start getting more clingy to me. I don't have a very good relationship with them either, mostly because they always put my brother first and pushed me to the side, so I have some resentment built up.

I think we've all been expecting something like this to happen. None of us expected him to outlive my parents, but it's still a shock that it's actually happening. I'm trying not to feel guilty for not feeling sad about losing a brother because I never had a brother. It's like feeling sad about an acquaintance you hear that's dying, not a sibling. Of course I don't know how I'll actually feel once he's gone, and I've never even been to a funeral before, so that will be weird. I feel like not many people will even show up. He didn't have many friends. He used people to get what he needed and then dropped them.

[misslabarinth]

Sent from my C6530N using Tapatalk

[iwonderaboutstuff]

You feel how you feel. There's no right or wrong here.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rr13]

Thank you. Now my parents are saying it's not as bad as the hospital led them to believe. That makes no sense to me. Why would they put anyone in hospice if it wasn't bad and why would the hospital exaggerate? They're going to call me later tonight when they get back. To be honest, if he's not dying, I'm actually now disappointed. This means nothing will change. My parents will continue believing his lies and throwing their money away at him and putting me second. It also means if he outlives my parents, I'll be stuck either having to take care of him or making the decision to let him go and let him die then.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I can understand your feeling the way you do.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rr13

I think we've all been expecting something like this to happen. None of us expected him to outlive my parents, but it's still a shock that it's actually happening. I'm trying not to feel guilty for not feeling sad about losing a brother because I never had a brother. It's like feeling sad about an acquaintance you hear that's dying, not a sibling. Of course I don't know how I'll actually feel once he's gone, and I've never even been to a funeral before, so that will be weird. I feel like not many people will even show up. He didn't have many friends. He used people to get what he needed and then dropped them.

I'm sorry you will have this change in your life whether you like it or not (not controllable by you at all, what your parents will do, if they'll turn to you and try to use you to help themselves, for example).

My brother-in-law sounds a bit like your brother (alcoholic, had a liver transplant but kept drinking; owned a bar and borrowed/wasted some of my parents money (they did put in their will that he would still owe it if my stepsister died first; my brothers and I forgave the debt for my stepsister when my stepmother (her mother) died so she'd get all her inheritance).

The funeral was interesting; his daughter-in-law's mother commented that it was the first funeral she'd been to where there were no tears and people were actually glad/relieved that the person had died (he was a general SOB, never had a pleasant word to say, put people down, was emotionally abusive to my stepsister, etc.).

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Originally Posted by rr13

Thank you. Now my parents are saying it's not as bad as the hospital led them to believe. That makes no sense to me. Why would they put anyone in hospice if it wasn't bad and why would the hospital exaggerate? They're going to call me later tonight when they get back. To be honest, if he's not dying, I'm actually now disappointed. This means nothing will change. My parents will continue believing his lies and throwing their money away at him and putting me second. It also means if he outlives my parents, I'll be stuck either having to take care of him or making the decision to let him go and let him die then.

Hmmm, that is kinda weird. Hospital and hospice with hiv sounds very serious to me. Maybe they meant his death isn't imminent, might be a steady decline in the coming month(s).

[Thunder Bow]

Because of his health and mental health, he needs to be in a skilled nursing facility. Being out on the streets is not an option for him. That is why he was placed in a hospice. He is experiencing much inner pain, try not to be to angry and hostile about him. Right now he needs support.

[divine1966]

Some patients are in hospice in a steady decline for quite awhile but it doesn't mean they will due to die tomorrow. I wish your brother doesn't suffer and has peace of mind. Hiv and drug addiction is serious

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rr13]

So my parents got back yesterday and said the original hospital either told them wrong or didn't know what was happening. When they got to the hospice he was eating fine and could swallow, so they don't know if maybe the medicine the hospital was giving him was causing the problem or what. Anyway, the hospice isn't keeping him anymore since he's not dying, but the doctor said if he doesn't start taking the HIV meds, he will. So it's up to him. Leaving it up to him means he most likely won't take them, so it's only a matter of time before he gets sick again. The hospice social worker is now looking for a place for him to live with someone else since they said he can't live alone. Without someone literally forcing the meds down his throat every day, I know he won't take them on his own because he either doesn't think it's serious or he doesn't care enough about himself to want to live. So we'll see.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

From what you've said, it sounds like his life(style) has pretty much been a form of slow suicide. I think it sux that you're dealing with the repercussions of that in your own life.

[rr13]

Thank you. Yes, it has sucked and has caused me a lot of stress. I just wish it would end already. He obviously doesn't really want to live and is serving no purpose here on earth other than taking up space and causing his family unnecessary stress and pain. I just pray he dies before my parents do so I'm not stuck dealing with him.

[divine1966]

I do understand it is stressful and I do sympathize with the whole ordeal. but please don't say he doesn't serve the purpose on
Earth. He is still somebody's child and actually your brother. It saddens me you feel this way. Your parents still financially support you ( or at least help) in your late 40s so it's not like they neglected you and only took care of him. You aren't in his life so I am not sure how he causes you stress?

Addictions are tough. I had family members with drug or alcohol addictions. At this stage he can't really quit, he is too ill to quit

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rr13]

He doesn't deserve to live because he's a sociopath, a pathological liar and only cares about himself. He's sold my parents out to loan sharks, stolen from them, lied to them to get whatever he wants and never feels remorse for anything he does. He has never worked a job in his life and is just taking up space and doing nothing to contribute to this world. It's causing me a tremendous amount of stress because I have to listen to my parents every week tell me about all the lies he's told them and watch their health go down the toilet over the stress.

Yes, they have helped me some, but I am in a ton of debt from medical bills over the last 8 years that they have not helped me with at all, and have told me they can't help me because they have to help my brother, even when they know he's lying to them and using all the money they give him to buy drugs.

He's not my brother. He's never been my brother. I don't have one single happy memory of him even going back to being a child since he started drinking at the age of 9.

He's a waste of a life.

I'm also worried since I'm the one who will have to take care of my parents, and at the rate they're going, my dad is going to have stroke from all the stress in a matter of years. I do NOT want to bury my parents before I'm 50, but with all the stress my brother is putting on them, and the fact that my parents won't just let the loser go and fall on his face, they're going to die soon.

My brother is not just a drug addict. He's a sociopath. He doesn't deserve to live anymore because he only cares about his own needs and no one else. He would kill my parents if he knew it would get him what he needs. He has no feelings or conscience. I cut myself off from him because he's a very scary person.

[*Laurie*]

rr13 I'm too tired to add much to this thread, but I do want to say that I understand how you feel and I support how you feel about your brother.

[rr13]

Thank you LauraBeth. Everyone in my life who knows my brother and knows or has lived thru the situation understands and supports me as well.

I hope you get some rest.

[avlady]

HIV does sound scarry, he probably will die, just not as soon as they first said. i know you have mixed emotions, thats only natural considering all the things are the way they are. i hope you feel better.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by rr13

Thank you LauraBeth. Everyone in my life who knows my brother and knows or has lived thru the situation understands and supports me as well.

I hope you get some rest.

Thank you, I finally did sleep.

I know someone who reminds me of your description of your brother. The person I have in mind has done nothing but self-destruct, hurt others, and makes everyone who tries to get close to him miserable. Again and again he's blown good opportunities that were offered to him with his meanness and lack of respect for anyone. He's a terribly abusive, non-productive person who just hurts everyone.

I fully believe that in some cases there are people who would be better off not in this world because sadly, they have spread hatred like a plague and only hurt good, decent people.

[rr13]

And that's exactly why I say I hope he dies soon. I'm not saying it to be mean, hateful or bitter. I'm saying it because it's true. He's had more chances to make his life better than anyone should, and he's turned down every single chance. He doesn't want to get better, he just wants what he wants and when he wants it. And he'll lie and steal from anyone to get it. That's why they have the death penalty for some criminals. My brother has never broken the law, but he treats people with the same lack of respect and decency that killers do. He's left nothing but a path of misery and stress in his life. He does absolutely nothing to contribute to society, he's never held a job for more than a few months, he never thinks of anyone but himself and he isn't sorry for anything he's done. He only calls my parents when he needs money and he'll lie to get it. I just wish my parents had the courage to cut him off. I really worry what it's doing to their health. They're in their early 80's and all this stress isn't good for them.....or for me.

Originally Posted by rr13

And that's exactly why I say I hope he dies soon. I'm not saying it to be mean, hateful or bitter. I'm saying it because it's true. He's had more chances to make his life better than anyone should, and he's turned down every single chance. He doesn't want to get better, he just wants what he wants and when he wants it. And he'll lie and steal from anyone to get it. That's why they have the death penalty for some criminals. My brother has never broken the law, but he treats people with the same lack of respect and decency that killers do. He's left nothing but a path of misery and stress in his life. He does absolutely nothing to contribute to society, he's never held a job for more than a few months, he never thinks of anyone but himself and he isn't sorry for anything he's done. He only calls my parents when he needs money and he'll lie to get it. I just wish my parents had the courage to cut him off. I really worry what it's doing to their health. They're in their early 80's and all this stress isn't good for them.....or for me.

while i understand how you feel and support it (i've also known people like that, and still do), i think now is the time to try and focus on the positives and make the last remaining few weeks/ months, or however long he has left, bearable

i know that sounds hard because of how you feel about him, and it does sound a horrible, horrible person. but i'm sure you can think of something.. something he's done, or a good memory you have of him

positivity is the key to helping him now, and i believe no matter what the circumstances, you can find some positive memory etc
try not to be bitter towards him. i made that mistake before, and trust me, i learnt when it was too late.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by rr13

And that's exactly why I say I hope he dies soon. I'm not saying it to be mean, hateful or bitter. I'm saying it because it's true. He's had more chances to make his life better than anyone should, and he's turned down every single chance. He doesn't want to get better, he just wants what he wants and when he wants it. And he'll lie and steal from anyone to get it. That's why they have the death penalty for some criminals. My brother has never broken the law, but he treats people with the same lack of respect and decency that killers do. He's left nothing but a path of misery and stress in his life. He does absolutely nothing to contribute to society, he's never held a job for more than a few months, he never thinks of anyone but himself and he isn't sorry for anything he's done. He only calls my parents when he needs money and he'll lie to get it. I just wish my parents had the courage to cut him off. I really worry what it's doing to their health. They're in their early 80's and all this stress isn't good for them.....or for me.

He sounds like a typically abusive person. I really feel for you, and for your parents. What a miserable situation for them...geez.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

while i understand how you feel and support it (i've also known people like that, and still do), i think now is the time to try and focus on the positives and make the last remaining few weeks/ months, or however long he has left, bearable

i know that sounds hard because of how you feel about him, and it does sound a horrible, horrible person. but i'm sure you can think of something.. something he's done, or a good memory you have of him

positivity is the key to helping him now, and i believe no matter what the circumstances, you can find some positive memory etc
try not to be bitter towards him. i made that mistake before, and trust me, i learnt when it was too late.

I understand what you're pointing out, I truly do. But where is the line drawn...if someone is truly abusive to others, I think it's healthy to set a boundary of how much we are willing to give that person - if anything at all.