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IchbinkeinTeufel
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Default Sep 08, 2015 at 02:48 PM
  #1
I knew this would happen. It's a collection of things really. I'm sure some of this is entirely normal, but also, I'm sure that all of this is enhanced for my enjoyment. Hah.

So basically, ... is what someone says when there's nothing at all basic about it! Or is that just me?

ANYWAY, I'll stop dancing around the problem(s), ... DANCY DANCY DANCY.

*dances*

Done now.

I left home, at long-bloody-last—is actually almost a year ago since I left—and it's been difficult, as you might imagine. Visiting my dad feels...strange; foreign, perhaps. I feel disconnected and it's scary as balls, not that balls are particularly scary, but that might depend which sort of balls are in question, as there are varying types.

I miss home, I miss all the stupid things I complained about for years on end. My dad knocking on my door all the time and asking if I'm OK. I ****ing miss that, even though that made me anxious for God knows how many unknown reasons, and got a bit annoying, particularly as I often didn't feel all that fantastic, so naturally my natural response was to be unnatural; to lie. Sure, I'm fine! Smily face.

I'm adding humor into this because I feel like crap and this is the only way I think I can get this message across without sounding like a Poor Me, which is a bonified thing.

poor-me [n] - an individual described as self-loathing with an often exaggerated focus on his or her downfalls, tribulations, and otherwise negative aspects of their life.
-Wiki

See. Look it up, I swear it's totally a thing.

*is full of crap*

I'm full of crap because I feel like crap, thus I type crap.

...so anyway, I know I have to move on with life. I have my own journies to make; of this I'm very aware—I'm 29 years old—but that doesn't make all this any weirder for me. Is there some sort of mental condition that makes an individual really struggle, emotionally, with changes in life? Someone who struggles to set the past aside and move on? Because I struggle a lot with this and have done fora long, long time. I think this derives from my wonderful (not) mother's fantastic (stupid) ability to shove crap in my face every time, causing me to constantly beat myself up for past idiocy. Yes, mother, we all make mistakes; oh, I'm supposed to relive them every day? Oh, good idea, mother! I'm sorry I doubted you!

Thank God I haven't seen/spoken my mother in over 10 years, or is 15+now? I've lost count. This brings on entirely different thing. I make like I don't care, but just between you, me, and everyone else who unfortunately sees this claptrap: it screws with my head.

My old psychologist (was in CBT for OCD and a bit on the anxiety) said something that echos in my brain... echo echo echo... she essentially said something like how I'll one day mourn the loss of years, and opportunities missed. I remember saying to her that I already was and had, and I sometimes threw that aside because it just felt like a 'yeah, been there, done that', as I naively thought. I think maybe the older I get, the stronger that feeling is getting. The psychologist also said something about my being very angry about it and that could be a problem or something, so... yeah... that may or may not be a problem because I AM PISSED OFF.

I've always been an angry person, well, at least from mid-teens onwards, and not outwardly angry, mostly interal stuff that bubbles up until I go pop, like a squishy, fun bubble of soap that explodes and disappoints. Fun. I've noticed a pattern, though... usually when I engage in said popping activites, my eyes leak a salty liquid that is unknown and mysterious; I have no idea what it means.

I know, this isn't entirely about the title, but it's all sort of part and parcel... or par for the course... whatever saying works, it's that. After all that's said and done, my dad's pretty much it in my life and that's been the case since I was 12 or so when he took me on. (got kicked out by the aforementioned Mother of the Universe) Anyway, he's older, I'm older, I've moved out, I see him less, I feel like a stranger in his house, ... seeing what I'm getting at? It gets worse, and I'm sure I've explained this elsewhere on pea sea, but basically, my OCD for years has firmly focused on a fear of losing him; magical thinking.

Stupidly long and stupidly stupid, I know, this whole thing is 'blah' and 'meh', I presume, and I know it's long and nobody wants to really read long posts... it's boring, and our attetion spans aren't always that... OH LOOK A BUTTERFLY...

*plays with butterfly*

...

*comes back hours later*

Where was I?

Oh yeah, so yeah, that's basically how you repair a computer.

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Last edited by IchbinkeinTeufel; Sep 08, 2015 at 03:06 PM..
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Walking Man
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Default Sep 08, 2015 at 10:53 PM
  #2
It's hard moving away from home, even when it's a good thing. A year really isn't that long. It's normal to feel a little lost, and especially to miss your dad. It's also normal to feel a little weird going back home. What was once very familiar, still looks the same, but feels strange. You're not sure where you belong. It's very normal to miss things your dad did, even the ones that used to annoy you. Things will get better.

I miss my dad a lot.
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Default Sep 08, 2015 at 11:27 PM
  #3
I'm sorry your mom wasn't a better mother to you. Do you and your dad live in the same town? If so, you could plan occasional activities together. What common interests do you have?

When my mother died, I discovered my dad had Alzheimer's. He and I hadn't a very good relationship since I was a teenager, but when it was just the two of us we spent much more time together. We found movies, music, and books we both enjoyed. Do you and you father have much in common?

I left home after high school, and coming back after my mom died was a frazzling experience. My dad couldn't be counted on to make good decisions, but he saw me as a child. Presumably you don't have this situation with your dad, but I find that many parents have difficulty relating to their children as adult children.

Both my parents are gone now. There are times that I really miss them. It's hard being an adult, hard making wise choices. I have no close relatives, so there are times I feel quite sorry for myself--having no one to depend on but me!

For what it's worth, you aren't alone in feeling as you do. That transition from child to adult varies from person to person. It may be two or three years ... it could be a decade or more. But somehow, when we need to be there for ourselves, we are. Life itself has a way of preparing us by the experiences we survive.

Take care & be good to yourself. Enjoy your relationship with your dad as much as you can, but don't put his good in front of your own. The better you are to yourself, the more you'll have to offer others who may enter your life.
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Default Sep 12, 2015 at 08:49 PM
  #4
I can so relate to your post, Zwang. You are trying to make light of it, but inside I sense you are really, really hurting. When my mother died, (after over 30 years of marriage), my dad got remarried a couple of years later. Of course I still visited, but I resented her presence. I wanted my mother to be there, not her! (Even though I'd encouraged my dad to find someone and to be happy).

I wanted so very much to spend some time alone with my dad, just the two of us, without her. It never happened. I should have told him I wanted that, but didn't, and now I'm sorry. If we'd just go to lunch, or dinner, or a movie, ANYTHING. But he died about 10 years later, after marrying the new woman, and now I feel such grief and hollowness, emptiness, you name it, that we didn't spend that time alone together. That I didn't open my mouth. He couldn't read my mind, of course.

You still have a chance. You can still say something to your dad about spending time together. I know that feeling of visiting and feeling weird, and things being foreign, as she was not my mother, yet she was at my mother's house, if you know what I mean. I knew things would never be the same again.

When you said you missed your dad knocking at your door, it really did something to me, because I miss that too, so much! And yes, it was annoying to me sometimes, but what I wouldn't give for that knock now! Or just to hear his voice on the telephone. I had a customer when I was working who sounded very much like him on the phone, and every time he called, it set me back on my heels for a second.

It's not too late for you, is what I'm trying to say. Don't be like me, somewhere down the line where your father has passed, and you can no longer say those things you want from him--his time, his attention. I'm sure he wants it as much as you do, but doesn't know how to express it. Don't wait until it's too late.
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