[PerfectlyImperfect41]

I'm sorry don't know where else to go! What I'm feeling now is so extreme it feels like every emotion is in over drive!!!

This few days has been tuff, in short; still upset with my family making jokes of my past suicide attempts and then Tuesday my eldest son had an accident at work where he was bitten by a animal! I didn't see him for almost 8 months, there has been some issues with him and my husband 2 years ago and I'm not taking sites but my husband did try to help him my son was 21 and I know at that age you want to make your own decisions and unfortunately things didn't work out well!

So yesterday I went to see my son it was very emotional for me I've missed him so much! I'm not good dealing with things and have been told that! This morning the fool I am, should know better by now, I told my husband how I feel, big mistake! He said his sick and tired of me being sad all the time, I say I love him and my children and have everything I want but still I don't have a smile on my face!

He doesn't know what happened to me in this 2 years and 6 months but he doesn't care how or what I do I must get myself right! I'm selfish I think the world owe me something, can't I see what I'm doing to them I'm miserable and I'm making them miserable!

I was given a second chance, the cancer is in remission I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a family and I'm still unhappy so he can't help thinking I'm getting some kind of kick out of being this way!
Nobody does this to me I do it to myself, its a choice how you want to be and he thinks I choose to be unhappy!

I feel like crap this from the man I love and will die for, now because my world was turned upside down 2years and 6months ago by the news I got cancer and everything that happened after that I had to resign from my work give up my kind of security because at that time he encouraged me to do so because of the treatments and operations, the issue with him and my son and so much more and yes I didn't know how to deal with everything that happened I had so many questions/I was confused/angry etc. I wish I had gone for counselling immediately when I heard the news but I didn't!

Am I so messed up, not worth to be loved for who I am now! If I change yes then you will be accepted and loved but if you don't, sorry!

It feels like all I do is apologising! That I must apologise that I even exist that I must feel guilty because to be married to me and having me as a mother, daughter and a sister is a punishment!

I wish I can switch off my feelings! If I dont change and get myself right I'm going to loose everything that I try to keep in my life!

I don't understand yesterday he told me again I'm everything he wants I'm his heart and this morning his sick and tired he says his not tired of me but my behaviour!

I don't want to BE anymore I'm tired I'm tired not to be worthy not to be good enough!

[littleowl2006]

To be in this position is hurtful, but you are okay. A loved one should not tell you you that are not good enough. Your husband should be the one to love and support you, especially when you have health issues, in my honest opinion. It is not fair to blame someone for their feelings.
Big hugs to you!

[Thunder Bow]

Your husband is insensitive and immature. He is also very ignorant.

[Fuzzybear]