[hazn]

Apologies if I'm posting this in the wrong place, not entirely sure where it should go.

Having lost the one person I was close to, I'm left feeling quite lonely. What I don't understand is why, as prior to this relationship I wasn't close to anyone for a really long time. It did bother me now and then, but it wasn't something that was constantly on my mind. Having read about the friendships others have I feel as if I've lost something that took me a really long time to find. How is it that some people go through life without close friends? I've had very few close friends, and I'm 25. Is my understanding of what a close friend is inaccurate? I wonder if my perception is just wrong, and that in reality most people don't have what I would consider to be close friends. I'd be interested to hear how others would define a "close friend".

OK, now to the point of my post. I feel like I want to make new friends, but I also feel like I might only be wanting that because of what I've lost. I want to feel close to someone and to be able to share things with them. I want to love and feel loved. But I also feel like my motivation behind this want might not be sincere. Am I looking for a friend, or am I looking for a romantic partner? The reason this is bugging me is because in trying to overcome some of the codependent behaviors I have, I do think having friends around me would help. As humans we want to have these connections with people. But at the same time, what if it makes things worse? I just feel so alone right now it's horrible, I don't have anyone I can talk to. I really don't know what to do. I wasn't like this before. Is my wanting of a close friend due to the relationship and attachment I had and lost? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Has anyone else been through something similar and managed to overcome it?

And I'm sorry, I know other people actually have real problems that they're dealing with. I don't even know what I'm expecting in response to my post, but I guess getting these things out is good too. And maybe others can relate to it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello hazn: Well... it's been a very long time since I had any friends at all, let alone close friends. I don't know as I ever had any of those. And I don't know how one would define it. I'm pretty-much solitary by choice, if not by nature. Plus, my interests have always been so different from anyone else's I've ever known that I just never seemed to "click" with anyone.

Personally, I doubt that one can consciously go out & find a friend. It seems to me, from my solitary perspective, that these sorts of relationships just "happen". You just meet someone, through your daily activities, with whom you click & your relationship develops from there. But then, maybe having this perspective is the reason I've not had friends. I certainly think having close friends must be nice. It's simply not an experience I ever had success with. Good luck with finding your new close friend(s) though. I do believe it's worth the effort...

[hazn]

Hey Skeezyks. I'm pretty solitary too. A few of my friends have called me antisocial, because I always turn down going out and stuff. But that's only because I'm not interested in doing the things they want to do. And I guess I feel most comfortable at home and by myself. Socialising can take a lot of energy out of me, and in some cases make me feel terrible. Is that how you feel too? Despite that, don't you ever feel like you really wish you had someone to talk to? Even if you just feel like that for a day or two, and then you forget about it for a while.

[CommaDotSlash]

In early 2014, I knew and talked to 100 people. In January 2015, that number went down to 30. Now, well, it's around 6 people. I used to think that having a lot of friends is a good thing, but it wasn't always the case. When you're not used to having social interactions, it can be very difficult to read people. And I always failed at maintaining my relationships because of that. I just wanted different things from people, and they wanted different things from me.

So yeah, I can completely understand where you're coming from hazn. It's a tough road to walk down. But I can see from your speech that you still want something different, something, someone new, someone to talk to and share yourself with. I have those days a lot as well. But from my experience, reaching out only makes it more painful for me, so I make the best of what I've got. Now I'm not saying that you should try being alone both in spirit or physically, but just as a counter to your thoughts. It might be decent thought fodder, the way I see it.

Just remember, there is nothing wrong with wanting more friends, for whatever intent you might have. And the way I like to view life is thus: if I don't do something now, there's no purpose for me to worry about the time it could go wrong. I hope that makes sense. Just trust your gut and go and be awesome. Those who respect you and enjoy you will come to you. It'll be slow, and rare, but it'll happen. It's how I found my girlfriend after all

Stay awesome!

[Skeezyks]

Hi Hazn: Well... I like to think of myself as "non-social", as opposed to "anti-social". I'm not against being social... for other people... just not for myself. Yes, socializing would certainly take allot out of me if I did any of it. But I no longer do, so it's not a consideration. I am married & just trying to be reasonably social with my spouse can drain me sometimes. Allot of the time, I would just prefer to be completely alone... Do I wish I had someone to talk to sometimes? Yes, I suppose in some theoretical way that is the case. But I also know that, if the opportunity arose, I would more than likely do whatever I could to avoid it...

[hazn]

CommaDotSlash - Do you feel that way even though you have a girlfriend?

Skeezyks - Hmm, I think I understand where you're coming from. I guess I'm like you in a sense, but I really do want that one person that I can share everything with. Or at least I believe I do. Maybe I'm just finding it difficult to adjust, I think that might be it.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll figure it all out in the end Thanks guys!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by hazn

but I really do want that one person that I can share everything with. Or at least I believe I do.

Therein lies the codependent dilemma. Caution when making one person your everything.


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[hazn]

It's OK, I'm not feeling that way so much anymore Thanks!

[avlady]

i am codependant too i think. my only friend is my husband and i do have a 24 yr old son. i am basically a hermit in so many words, and i don't even want friends after being backstabbed so many times in the past when i was so popular. i just gave up i guess. i also can't do things others can because i was in an accident which i had head injuries that now i can't concentrate enough to deal with the outside world.

[hazn]

I think everyone has been stabbed in the back or let down at some point by a "friend", but you shouldn't let that stop you from making new friends! Though, I totally understand why you might feel that way. But hey, everyone can benefit from having a close friend or two in their lives.

I'm sorry to hear about your accident. Is it something that will get better over time?

[avlady]

thanks hazn, my injuries are ongoing, i was hit by a van while crossing the street and hit my head on a sewer cover before smashing it 5 more times in the accident, i was also hit by drunk teenagers in another accident, hitting my head on the windsield and the car was demolished. therefore i think my head injuries led me to not be able to concentrate anymore.

[hazn]

oh dear perhaps it would be worth speaking to a doctor about it? If your lack of concentration was due your head injuries, that would suggest damage to the brain right?