Hey there,

I have this problem where I find it extremely hard if not impossible to physically be in other people's company. I've done a lot of work in therapy and on my own, and have realised this shame I feel has to do with my mum (or anyone else) not protecting me from a dad who, had something pushed him over the edge, could have killed me. You know how you can see or sense that some people have aggression inside of them but, at the same time, you just know they'd never go too far - with my dad, I knew he might. And there was no one there to protect me.

I feel I just need to share this.. My whole life, I've wished I had someone who'd take a bullet for me - someone who would care so much. And because I didn't have that, I've felt like I 100% don't matter - that even if a meteor hit me, no one would care, or at best, they'd raise an eyebrow and go, 'Shame.' Then carry on with their lives, with maybe just a hint of sadness. I've felt completely unworthy.

But I'm not, right? Just like no one else is! I should have had someone willing/able to protect me from my dad. That lack was what was wrong, not me, right?

[CopperStar]

Your soul is definitely valuable. A lot of people who go through that type of childhood experience develop AsPD traits (or full-blown), they become ruthless and destructive, only caring about their own needs, and having no problem trampling over others in the process, since that's what they experienced as children. It takes a certain level of inherent wisdom and empathy not to become a monster when you are raised by monsters. Instead the wiser, empathetic soul holds its ground, and then has to heal in adulthood.

[avlady]

true-has to heal in adulthood!!!!that is a great insight-for me anyway

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by avlady

true-has to heal in adulthood!!!!that is a great insight-for me anyway

That seems to be the way it is, as far as I can personally see.

People either throw away their humanity because it hurts.

Or they hold tight to their humanity, even with all of the hurt it comes with, and then heal that hurt later when they are able to do so.

d.o.a. every child needs and wants someone to protect them from an abusive parent. And many are unable out of fear for themselves, they are incapable to deal with their spouse or relative. It takes much time, effort and work but you can make sense of the past and heal. It is not validation or justification, it is forgiving and letting go so you can move forward. I hope that this can happen for you. A therapist or counselor is a good start. We have all been let down or betrayed in one way or another. The stories may differ but the hurt is still the same. (((hugs))) tc

Thank you so much for your replies!

CopperStar, that is such a beautiful way of putting it. I definitely want to strengthen my sensitive side while also learning to set boundaries so that I don't get hurt again. I'd never want to lose my humanity as I suffered in the hands of people who have, so I know how destructive that is. I just worry I'll never be whole, but I'm just going to have to continue to put one foot in front of the other on this healing path I'm on..

omegalamed, thank you for the validation and encouraging words! I think I've actually started to realise where my mother was coming from when she didn't even seem to recognise that my dad was crazy.. I stopped crying as a child because no one reacted to it, or they reacted badly. I think my mum probably 'stopped being afraid' because no one reacted to her fear when she was growing up with a violent alcoholic father. And so these patterns get passed on from one generation to the next. I'm going to do everything in my power to dismantle them..

[brainhi]

I know the feelings you describe. It appears with time I learned to protect and encourage others.. I guess the way I wanted someone to do for me. My career is about making things better for the unfortunate... that's my purpose. Still hard to let anyone too close but I do get a lot of my emotional needs met through my work.

There is many many good things inside of you. Start to notice. Others - that value the same things you do will notice as well.

Take care!!