[TinkerPixie]

Hi, all. So, obviously I know no one can actually tell me why I feel a certain way, but I simply don't understand my emotions, right now, and sort of need to vent them/see if anyone else understands.

A brief history: I have a best friend who I used to talk to about the abuse in my past. He's one of only two people I've ever talked to, about it, and for about a year (off and on) I used to talk to him quite frequently (too much, in my opinion) whenever I was having trouble coping. Long story short, about five years ago he stopped prompting me to talk after our last conversation about it, in which he asked me to promise to seek professional help as soon as I was able to financially do so. I took this to mean that he was (rightfully) done dealing with my drama, and I have never so much as mentioned the subject, since. He has also never brought up the subject, save for once a couple of months ago when he warned me about a potential trigger in a television show.

Fast forward to last Thursday. I was having an online conversation with him (the only way we've talked for several years, since he's in another country), and he was inquiring about my well-being. After I told him a bit about my current life (I recently lost one job and started another) he asked, "Have you been seeing anyone, to talk about your past?" I was surprised he brought this up, and told him I had not (I literally cannot afford it) and after he asked me a bit about my financial situation (which, of course, is not great), I apologized for complaining so much. He told me I wasn't complaining, told me he loved me (note: this is in a 100% platonic way), and said he wanted to hear about my life. The conversation ended there, and the subject has not been brought up, since.

This conversation should have made me happy - made me feel loved. Instead, ever since then I have felt so incredibly angry/upset/stressed. I've dropped to an all-time depressed low, and have cried myself to sleep (as well as crying at work, today, because my stress hit overload) every night.

What the he** is wrong with me? I know I'm being incredibly irrational, and my reaction is 100% unjustified - but that doesn't stop me from feeling it. Has anyone ever had a similar experience?

Tinker, perhaps you are angry cause he left off five years ago like he didn't want to hear it... so now 5 years later picks it up. perhaps you are angry feeling like he let you down and barges back into your life? that is common feeling... glad you expressed it tc

[TinkerPixie]

That makes sense, now that you say it, OmegaLamed. I definitely think that's at least part of it. Though I can't truly blame him for cutting off his support when he did.

[Perna]

One thing I finally got through my head :-) was that there is no "should" about how we feel. We feel what we feel. When I would not "like" how I felt, I would go through the internal discussion, "Well, how would you like to feel in this situation?" and the fact that I was sad at a funeral aligned better than "not wanting to feel this sad". I use to be afraid of being afraid/anxious so maybe you are angry that you feel angry? Bad feelings are not fun to feel! We try to change the feeling, get away from it?

Look at yourself and what you feel and accept that; to heck with the other person. Things are happening inside you, and they are not really related to the other person. Looking at the other person and whether one can "truly blame" them for what they did/did not do distracts you from the only thing that is important, yourself and how you feel. You wish he had paid more attention to you, listened to you, all these between years; that's not a bad thing. I wish I had a million dollars? I wish my husband had not died in October, I wish lots of things were different than they are. But I do not stay in those wishes. I acknowledge them when they arise and see what I want to do, myself, differently in the future.

I have trouble with your friend's asking about your finances; not his business. I'd be angry with him, were he my friend, for deciding how I should solve my problems and implying if I did not do it his way, he would not talk to me. Who is he to know what is best for me (therapy) and how I should proceed (get money and go to therapy and if I have not, then there's still something "wrong" with me and how I run my life)? You want to talk to him; that is all he needs to know and he gets to decide if he wants to listen or not, not what you should do instead. That he did the old listening pattern and then implied that was just a fluke and would not continue because you had not done what he wanted with your life since the last time years ago, that is an ugliness on his part.

[Fuzzybear]

I don't think your reaction is unjustified
And I hope you don't further beat yourself up - you are a beautiful survivor
There are too many abusers in this world who thrive on hurting others, please don't hurt yourself I know it's not that easy

"That is an ugliness on his part" - spot on with this observation ((((( Perna )))))

[TinkerPixie]

Thank you so much for your replies, Perna and Fuzzybear.

Perna, thank you. You are right, I need to recognize that these emotions are valid. I have a hard time validating my own emotions, particularly when someone else has triggered them but I can understand their side of the situation.

I think he suggested therapy - both five years ago and last week - from a place of caring, though. I leaned on him far too much, and I think he couldn't deal with seeing me in so much emotional pain so often. I also agree with him that therapy would be immensely helpful...if I could afford it. His inquiries about my financial situation also seemed more out of concern, than anything. He was more sad - not judgey - when I told him the out of pocket price was outside my budget. However, you're right that it does hurt that he is able to simply ask me about therapy out of the blue - when I have been silent and struggling for the past five years - and is also able to simply drop the subject - when I was now triggered and struggling more than ever. That doesn't seem fair to him, though, when I think he is legitimately just trying to help.

A million dollars would also be nice. And I am sorry about your husband. I will try to focus on what I want to do, in the future, although in this case I don't know what I do want to do (other than ask for his support, again - which I don't think is a good idea - and go to therapy - which won't happen until something changes, financially). I will think on some more positive answers, to that.

Fuzzybear, thank you so much for your support. I am much better than I was.

Thank you, both, again.