[ladyrevan21]

So this was actually something that I realized back in another thread -- ever since I was eight years old, I've kind of depended on my anger to some degree to be a motivator. (Yeah, I know, eight years old. That's pretty young. I guess it didn't help that basically third grade was pretty tough) And a defense mechanism. Not one hundred percent of the time, because I probably would have gotten sick from it or something if that were the case. But there are certain circumstances it happens.

Sometimes when I felt threatened by authority figures, I'd kind of go into defensive mode. And times when I've felt different from other people, I've kind of used anger as a way to cope. (I guess the best way to put it is sort of being defiant and stuff. Usually as a teenager, though maybe that's kinda-sorta normal) And it's definitely gotten me into trouble over the years. It's cropped up whenever I've felt things are unfair to people, or, when I was a kid, I felt threatened -- and it's definitely become most prominent in my life as a young adult. Like I kind of depend on it at times -- to write, things like that.

(I think part of it may be a bit of like-father-like-daughter, because my dad's admitted he has problems with his anger as well. Not an excuse, but it is kind of interesting realizing how similar we are in that regard. My mom...she gets angry, yeah, but she's always told me to do the whole turn-the-other-cheek-don't-sink-to-their-level thing which...is hard sometimes)

This is embarrassing to write, honestly, because I'm wondering if there's really something wrong with me personally. Like I'm a bad person. Mostly, I want to find out ways to...not deny my anger because that can also be potentially dangerous, but deal with it constructively. And not depend on it as much. I admit I'm terrified of what will happen if I let go of it. Like I'll be leaving myself vulnerable.

How do I cope? What are some positive and negative coping skills for anger? And what are some healthier defense mechanisms when I get in a tight spot, so to speak?

(I hope this made sense; this was kind of a complicated post to write)

[Skeezyks]

Hello ladyrevan21: Anger is something I've struggled with for many years. And it seems like it's becoming more of a problem as I age, which I am doing. Some of it at this point is directed at others. But most of it is directed inward. I practice a Buddhist discipline called compassionate abiding. When I feel my anger rising, I take a few deep breaths, focus on the underlying feeling (not the "storyline"), lean into it, & breathe. I watch it & allow it to be there until it fades of its own volition.

Beyond that sometimes if you can catch yourself, when you are first becoming angry, & just stop momentarily, this will be enough to give you the opportunity to choose a different path...

[ladyrevan21]

Thank you. I might have to give it a shot. Like next time I get angry, I just stop for a minute or so. I might have to also list up some stuff to do to distract myself when I'm angry. Again, thank you.

Also, that compassionate abiding thing sounds really awesome. Seriously.

[Thunder Bow]

Anger does have its time and place. It is not entirely a bad emotion. It was used a adaptive behavior when you were a kid, to have some control and get needed attention. You seemed to have healed from that need. Now with your healing and wisdom you can now express your anger through wisdom and understanding.

[ladyrevan21]

No, it's not entirely bad. Thing about anger, I think, is that used in the right ways -- it can become almost like a superpower. (Apologies if the message seemed incomplete earlier -- my finger slipped) When I was a kid, it was used mostly against teachers I felt powerless against. But now that I'm older, I can definitely use it in much, much healthier ways. I guess my question is how do I use it for wisdom and healing as opposed to when I was younger? I know sometimes the issue can crop up, such as when I'm dealing with my family. Best I can do is go to my little toolbox for things like that. (Coping techniques, etc.) And finding ways to use it for good, of course.