–Nietzsche–

Yes, it's a common phrase. Google and you'll find tens of thousands of hits.

The words resonate with me right now. I haven't been sleeping or eating. I was disappointed to find that I am physically fit.

I don't need anyone to point out that this is negative thinking. I'm aware of that. If you were in my position you would understand why there are no alternate thoughts, no bettering my situation. I cannot find the motivation, or get over the fear, to go outside. I've tried. I've stopped answering the phone out of fear.

I'm tired. "More than tired." I'm tired of these constant hallucinations; they are no longer benevolent. I'm tired of being alone and sad.

My stepmother, were she still alive, would tell me that I'm just weak.

Possible trigger:

But she was the one who blew her brains out.

Who's the weak one?

I have always been hard-headed and, as I was told repeatedly, "too smart for my own good." My existential crisis began in grammar school.

I don't know why, but my therapist gave me an appointment 6 weeks from my last when it's generally 2 weeks.

Because of past experience, I'm afraid of entering a psych ward or hospital.

My spending sprees have caused me to be over $20,000 in debt and I cannot make payments on two cards this month.

I would really like to truly believe that the worst that could happen if I wheeled outside would be a panic attack. But the front doors open into the smoking area and the smell makes me vomit.

I loathe the fact that we all have a common dialect. I find it odd that the words that we use to describe our symptoms, as unique as our situations might be, are the same. I suppose if Nietzsche couldn't find a unique phrase then I'm certainly not.

I want to say something such as "my soul has run dry." "I have brain cataracts."

And I want to know why I feel this way, so much worse than the last time. I blame myself, of course. I am ashamed of my behavior that caused me to lose my son.

I'd like to take 10 Xanax and 10 Ambien just to sleep.

I've pain in my whole body because I haven't had anyone to pick up my morphine. So some withdrawal, too.

I don't know if self-loathing is a result of facing up to your most grievous faults, a failure to forgive yourself or even a problem with self-mercy. I do know that the maxim of loving ones self is lost on me.

The punishment fits the crime in my case. I psychologically abused my wife, the only woman that I really loved, for six years. And I suppose that I'm psychologically abusing myself now. I'm not certain why now, though. The punishment fits the crime.

I don't believe that "everyone" makes the same mistakes any more than I believe that "everyone" is a psychopath who revels in evil deeds. My conscious morality is busted and I lack the tools to fix it. I also hate that I can't seem to start a paragraph with anything other than "I."

I'm writing this for myself; I can't see that there's anything worth a reply. I may take a break from these forums; I usually don't use them for their intended purpose. If I can get some sleep, I might change my mind.

"Goodnight you princes of Maine, you kings of New England."

And princesses and Queens, too.

[Ocean Swimmer]

You know the morphine can be making you this way.

And the morphine withdrawals too, Cinderguy.
I experienced all of your symptoms while on and off opioids. Maybe a pain management center could help.

Do you have a Pdoc too? You need an antipsychotic imho.

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

You know the morphine can be making you this way.

And the morphine withdrawals too, Cinderguy.
I experienced all of your symptoms while on and off opioids. Maybe a pain management center could help.

Do you have a Pdoc too? You need an antipsychotic imho.

Yes, I am 100% certain that these past three days without my morphine has caused me to have some crazy symptoms. It's happened before. Luckily, one of my neighbors was at the pharmacy at spot on 8 a.m. and she returned with my morphine, insulin needles and various other meds.

I have a 'team' - a doc that I see every three months, a therapist that I'm (supposed to be) seeing every two weeks and my GP - who was my doc in the nursing home for eight years and we're going on twelve years takes care of the morphine.

I'm now on 900mg of of generic seroquel nightly but every time the dosage is increased my hallucinations will decrease only to get worse than before.

I'm certainly in a great deal of pain - I took one of my morphine tablets about two hours ago but it hasn't kicked in.

I need sleep. My last period of 4+ hours sleep was last Saturday. I have had none to less than an hour since. I need to eat something, too.

I'll be fine. But thank you so very much for your reply. My head is all over the place just now and it will take some time for the ER Morphine Sulfate to kick in.

[ablankscript]

It is a cycle, it is hard to end, but once you know its there it is possible. I have been there, not with opioids, but other stuff and my life has been one big loop. the cycle starts early in life and it sets us up for ending up in multiple cycles of how we treat ourselves and others, the morphine is just one part of it. How you say you treated your wife is a cycle of how you were treated by those you loved and were supposed to love you, it can be very subtle children pick up on stuff but now you wouldn't remember what began the cycle unless you were very aware as a child.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by ciderguy

–Nietzsche–

Yes, it's a common phrase. Google and you'll find tens of thousands of hits.

The words resonate with me right now. I haven't been sleeping or eating. I was disappointed to find that I am physically fit.

I don't need anyone to point out that this is negative thinking. I'm aware of that. If you were in my position you would understand why there are no alternate thoughts, no bettering my situation. I cannot find the motivation, or get over the fear, to go outside. I've tried. I've stopped answering the phone out of fear.

I'm tired. "More than tired." I'm tired of these constant hallucinations; they are no longer benevolent. I'm tired of being alone and sad.

My stepmother, were she still alive, would tell me that I'm just weak. But she was the one who blew her brains out. Who's the weak one?

I have always been hard-headed and, as I was told repeatedly, "too smart for my own good." My existential crisis began in grammar school.

I don't know why, but my therapist gave me an appointment 6 weeks from my last when it's generally 2 weeks.

Because of past experience, I'm afraid of entering a psych ward or hospital.

My spending sprees have caused me to be over $20,000 in debt and I cannot make payments on two cards this month.

I would really like to truly believe that the worst that could happen if I wheeled outside would be a panic attack. But the front doors open into the smoking area and the smell makes me vomit.

I loathe the fact that we all have a common dialect. I find it odd that the words that we use to describe our symptoms, as unique as our situations might be, are the same. I suppose if Nietzsche couldn't find a unique phrase then I'm certainly not.

I want to say something such as "my soul has run dry." "I have brain cataracts."

And I want to know why I feel this way, so much worse than the last time. I blame myself, of course. I am ashamed of my behavior that caused me to lose my son.

I'd like to take 10 Xanax and 10 Ambien just to sleep.

I've pain in my whole body because I haven't had anyone to pick up my morphine. So some withdrawal, too.

I don't know if self-loathing is a result of facing up to your most grievous faults, a failure to forgive yourself or even a problem with self-mercy. I do know that the maxim of loving ones self is lost on me.

The punishment fits the crime in my case. I psychologically abused my wife, the only woman that I really loved, for six years. And I suppose that I'm psychologically abusing myself now. I'm not certain why now, though. The punishment fits the crime.

I don't believe that "everyone" makes the same mistakes any more than I believe that "everyone" is a psychopath who revels in evil deeds. My conscious morality is busted and I lack the tools to fix it. I also hate that I can't seem to start a paragraph with anything other than "I."

I'm writing this for myself; I can't see that there's anything worth a reply. I may take a break from these forums; I usually don't use them for their intended purpose. If I can get some sleep, I might change my mind.

"Goodnight you princes of Maine, you kings of New England."

And princesses and Queens, too.

Hello Cider Guy,
I hope you get some good sleep soon.

[handheart]

Well people here can give you advices and you must help yourself if you want a better life
You must fight for yurself and forgive you for all bad things that you make in the past ,go to curch and speak with good to forgive you try to find your peace soul

Originally Posted by handheart

Well people here can give you advices and you must help yourself if you want a better life
You must fight for yurself and forgive you for all bad things that you make in the past ,go to curch and speak with good to forgive you try to find your peace soul

Righto!

Thanks.

[*Laurie*]

Hey ciderguy - hi. Please know I'm wishing you all the best.