[dwr3]

I think I need to list the things I'm struggling with currently and share it by the way.
- Frustration. I should be studying for THREE years now, but - due to my never diagnosed learning problems - I cannot pass the obligatory Maths exam, which is very unusual, because it only takes 30%. And that's despite having the highest possible grades in other subjects such as English or Polish (I was a pretty gifted, although troublesome, student in high school). Had private teachers, lost any motivation. Not passing any obligatory exam makes you look like the biggest idiot walking this Earth in the eyes of others. I'm gonna know if I passed the one I took in May on the 5th of July. I'm also underachieving in different things. Can't drive a car, for instance.
- My terrible social skills made me - again - ending up completely alone, even drastically shunned from the local society. Not the first time, not the last time.
- Financial problems. Since I was fired from the job I held for a year (Not exactly fired, I was a trainee from this government programme now used in my country as a basic form of employment, and they just had to replace me with another one) I cannot find another one. I live in a small town, the only possible job I may get at some point without a degree is as a sales assistant. Huge struggle for me. Very overwhelming due to my sluggish cognitive tempo. I tried working in a huge supermarket for 10 hours in February and lasted, like, four days. Oh, yes, I've run out of my savings.
- Family's financial problems. I have no support from my family. Not like the people I know do. My grandfathers have a lot of money, but one gives it to random people he drinks with and generally drinks it all away, and the other one...too weird to talk about this now. My father cannot keep a job for more than a year or so because he either gets bored and depressed or has to have a break due to his health issues (believe me, this man has worked everywhere, from nightclubs to private drivers to supermarkets, here or in another country, etc) and my mother has a stable one, but very exhausting and also not well paid. We rent a two room flat and that's it. We cannot afford anything else and the complains about money are neverending. I used to give them money while I was working, they refused to take it then, and now - when I'm looking for one - they want the money.
- My father's depression. He's very much like me, had mental issues throughout his life (well, it's hard to not have them being born in our family- another story) and cannot manage his emotions. Every day for years and years I hear him being mad and jealous of others, commenting other's lives with hatred, feeling both guilty for not making it right and making himself a victim of circumstances. He's frustrated all the time, as he was since I can remember, but maybe now it's more intense. He complains about having no money and not being rich: each day for several hours. He comments the groceries my mother is buying, though he never went shopping himself. If you ask him to give you a ride- he will shout at you for being lavish and acting like we live in the luxury. He's just like his father, obsessed with cash to the point of complete tight- fistedness. He's not a bad guy, but has zero coping skills and lots of negativity. I hear him talking about it "being time to die" (like he does since I was little) and how sad he gets looking at me and thinking of the miserable life I'm gonna live. I have no power to help him. But he's right, I won't make a career on working in a shop and will have a hard time getting self sufficient, if I ever will. Most of my friends already are, but with their family's help. My whole life I was just listening to the talk about the things I will not have.
What's more, his parents are both sick and take his constant help for granted, so it's like he cannot really go some place else to work for a longer amount of time. His father, a nasty, abusive, aggressive man for whom I have zero respect, has lost power in his arms and it cannot be cured. He "cures" himself with cheap beer. He needs help with dressing up and eating. His wife, my grandmother, has heart problems which gets worse due to her overusing medical drugs such as strong painkillers and mild ataxia, which makes her lose her balance from time to time, then sometimes fall. She keeps ignoring it and puts herself at risk of falling, doesn't use her medical equipment. They eat badly, stopped washing themselves long time before they ilnesses started, don't do anything, just sit in the dark with the windows closed (you can't believe how much this house stinks) and wait for death. If you ask if they need any help, they will say no, they won't let you do groceries for them, because my granddad would be furious if we would buy something not for the lowest possible price in the whole town. Or if we'd decide to use the water heater. Or washing machine.
- Health. I have some health issues. I'm soon gonna visit a neurologist to see if there's anything wrong with my brain due to the past injuries I had. I also have a bad working adrenal glands, hypothyroidism and other stuff.
- Anxiety about health. I live in a constant fear of AIDS (not impossible due to some things I've done in the past), schizophrenia and psychosis/ mania. Especially the second one.

So I'm generally stuck.

[Skeezyks]

Hello dwr3: I'm sorry you are struggling with such difficult circumstances! I hope that you can figure out some way to overcome all of these obstacles. I wish you well with regard to your upcoming neurology appointment. Perhaps you can also get tested for AIDS so that you at least no longer have this worry on your mind...