[seesaw]

I have debated about posting this because I am worried what people may say. I'm usually a very compassionate and empathetic person, but over the past year a situation has arisen in my family with a family member that I honestly don't feel any compassion for them about...and my whole family acts really upset about the whole situation, but whenever my mother, for example, brings it up, I don't really know what to say. So here's the background...

Last year my brother was in a terrible motorcycle accident in which he nearly lost his leg. Over the past year he has had approximately 20 surgeries to save and repair his leg, and he's going into what may be his final surgery, and he has two options, and there's a 1 in 3 chance that he'll lose his leg from the knee down.

So I should feel really upset by this and feel really badly for my brother...except that I don't.

My brother was a MONSTER growing up. His way of dealing with our extremely dysfunctional family was to become a drug addict, and he acted like a raging drug addict. He repeatedly threatened to kill me (being like 10,11,12, and a teenager while your older brother is threatening to kill you on a repeated basis is pretty scary and part of the reason I have PTSD and depression). He would grab me by the throat or by the collar of my shirt and stick his fist in my face (sometimes I did get hit). Either my parents never noticed or didn't care. They never talked to me about it. Just covered it up and pretended like it was normal sibling rivalry. Then the other thing is that once he tried to molest me.

He grew up eventually, got straight, went to ITT, got a degree, for which I was forced to attend his graduation even though he never attended my HS graduation, college graduation or MFA graduation. He had the gall a few years ago to ask why we aren't close, cause his girlfriend at the time asked why he and I aren't close, and I was like, well I don't know. Except I did know. I grew up with a monster for an older brother and once I got out of my family and went to college, I didn't really want anything to do with them.

So no, I don't feel any compassion for him. And if he loses his leg, I guess in a logical way I'll feel some sympathy for him, but it won't make me cry or anything. I've spent my entire life dealing with PTSD from my family of origin and major severe depression because of the **** they did to me as a child. I understand it's my responsibility to deal with my own issues now, but I certainly don't think that includes offering forgiveness to people who never asked for it and most likely never will.

One thing is for sure, when my family starts remembering childhood stuff and acting like it was all roses, I'm going to call their **** on it.

So, I guess my question is, am I a bad person for not feeling all that bad that my brother might lose his leg?

[packleader2]

Hi see,
No, you're not a bad person. We don't owe abusers, especially those of our families of origin, anything. But I have learned they can hold us captive to the pain if we don't free-willingly let go of them by forgiving them and their deeds, even if they don't ask, and even if we don't tell them we forgive. That way, we free ourselves of the attachment to the memories of abuse, but gradually.

Maybe later you will develop a relationship with your brother and through his experience he might ask you for forgiveness.

In my experience, family members who have wronged me and later interfered with my own kids, have never owned up to their messed up dealings. I tried to invite my sister to therapy in order to discuss offenses, but she always had an excuse.

Visiting your brother is a pretty nice thing in itself.

Peace,

[Yzen]

My opinion is you shouldn't feel any guilt about not sympathizing. Don't believe there is a flaw in you because you feel this way. You should decide your attitude towards him. I'm sure your family would want you to forgive, but that is because it will make them feel better. You were the one hurt. Be compassionate to yourself and to people you want to feel compassionate towards.