Denver Imax

Warning: disjointed ramble ahead

Yes, watching even clips from movies I watched at the theater that houses Denver's only "regular" Imax makes me really depressed.
So why do it? I didn't intend to watch those videos, it just sort of happened.

I guess I should try to explain. It's hard to because it's not very logical.
Last year, I lived in Denver, Colorado, USA for 4 months. They felt like longer than 4 months. I went to college there. I failed my classes and went back to Norway, and ever since, I've done nothing. I've been on disability money, lived in a miserable apartment for a while where I went crazy, then moved out and lived interchangably with my mom and my dad.
Now I'm moving into a new, nicer, not depressing apartment.
But I'm still stuck here, with no future, no employment, I don't have a university education and I don't think I can get one because it involves directing my attention towards subjects I don't care about and writing "analytical" papers and research papers (not happening).
I'm sick and tired of my city, of its depressing, familiar streets, of the impossibility of making friends here. I need friends on my level and they just don't exist in this country, certainly not in this city. Only way to find them would be something like meetup, but meetup Bergen is dead.

I've never had any real life friends. Other people may say they have no friends but they're greatly exaggerating. I mean it. Not a single one. All my facebook friends are family except one online friend who I barely talk to. I have no one to do things with.

I have a tendency to write very long posts, so I'll skip ahead.

The reason this clip of a movie I watched in Denver upset me is that, while in Denver, I was alive. I went there, it was 100% my idea, I changed up my life and did something no one would ever expect me to do, it was MY idea, and I saw the results of my choices! So I was alive.
I went hiking there, in Boulder. Chautauqua. It's so beautiful there. I was alive when doing that. If I'd followed the path set out for me by "the system", I'd stay in Bergen, Norway forever, I'd be alone forever, I'd be unemployed and uneducated forever, and my life would have no purpose. Instead I went to the other side of the planet and was alive again.

I had so many feelings... it's a weird thing to stress but ever since I got home, my emotional spectrum has been extremely limited. Acutely depressed-unbearably lonely-suicidal-distracted by things like the US Democratic primary or the death of Elisa Lam.
But there, it was a full spectrum. I felt alive. I was excited about things. ugh this is getting long, let's skip some more things, I'm depressed but still tired.
I went to the cinema there a few times. Took the light rail, watched a movie by myself...I don't know why the cinema thing is such a big deal, it's the least adventurous thing I did over there, but it's really powerful.
When I realized I'd have to go home by November 30th, I spent the money I was going to spend on a full year of studies on 3 trips: New York City, San Francisco, Chicago. And it was the best time of my life. Spontaneously booking flights and a day or two later getting on those flights and going to those awesome places. (well, NYC and SF were great, Chicago was kinda meh [no offense, people from there, I was only there for a day after all, whereas I had 3-4 days in NYC and SF]). And the airports were cool too. I love DIA. Airports are so cool.

While in Denver, I also had online friends. Talked to them every day. One of them I made jokes with and had happy, superficial (as in non-deep) conversations with. The other was a (sort of, at least?) close friend who I talked with for hours nearly every day about everything that was going on in each other's lives, they were with me through everything. This last friend was a tremendous comfort to me, don't know what I'd done without them. Thought we'd be friends for a long, long time.
When I left the US, the "tremendous comfort" one cut contact out of nowhere, and shortly thereafter I had an argument with "happy, superficial" that led me to delete them.

I'm so lonely now, and I've gotten so much worse at talking to people, even online. Gotten worse at expressing myself in writing. Worse at everything.
My life has no purpose. I don't want to live in Bergen. I don't want to be on disability. I'm not disabled. I can work. I just need work that's meaningful and makes me happy. Not pointless jobs in Bergen, Norway. And I need friends. These are the things I need to be happy.

I went back to New York for a full week, 23rd of August until the 30th. That one week was the only time I've been happy all year. I forgot all my problems and it was like coming home, like no time had passed at all since I lived in the US. Though I was reminded how alone I am, I went to the Late Show all alone and got the impression that's not a normal thing to do. I saw restaurants by the riverside that I wanted to go to with friends. But I don't have any, and it looks like I'll never have any.

And now I'm stuck in Bergen, Norway, seemingly forever, with no way to make friends, get a meaningful job or have any sort of purpose to my life.

I'm so sick of being miserable. This has been the worst year of my life. I'm so sick of not getting to sleep because I'm too depressed, because there's this awful "quiet" feeling, because I have nothing. It's torture.

Don't know if this is the right section of the forums for this. whatever "this" is.

You stated that being in the U.S. made you happy. Why not move here? Is that feasible? There's nothing worse than feeling trapped.

It's not feasible, I'm afraid. I'd love to live in the NYC area or San Francisco.

I just reread my post and wow what a ramble that was.
It'd still be hard to make friends abroad but a lot easier than in Bergen.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I can relate to how you feel.

Dude, ramble all you want. Sometimes just typing it all out helps get it of your chest. Lord, I was born a ramblin' man...so you are good.

Since it's not feasible to move to the U.S right now, then make it feasible. Maybe channel your energy into that. If you feel like you are at rock bottom, then what do you have to loose?

I bet you could.

It seems that you are really into feeling bad about yourself, and are fishing for even more reasons to feel bad about yourself. It is like an old friend to you, that you brought back with you from Denver. This all goes with depression quite well. See a Therapist if you can. Moving around will not help. The 1st step is to start feeling better about yourself.

That's a long road, even longer if I'm looking for a work visa instead of a student visa (and I'm so done with school) but maybe!

Sorry to hear that

I guess! Though feeling better about myself when I have no friends and nothing to do with my life and stuck in a city I'm sick of doesn't seem like it'll come natural

You came here for school & that was one way to stay with a student visa. Why did you fail your classes?

Sounds like you have other serious problems going on that a Therapist might be able to help you with

I failed partly because of what I said, "it involves directing my attention towards subjects I don't care about and writing "analytical" papers and research papers (not happening)."
I'm just not built to write like that, let alone 3 papers like that a week. So I dropped out. I'm not going back to college.

I doubt a therapist could change things but I'm currently seeing one, well saw her 1 time and will talk to 2 more times