[magicalprince]

Even if I have problems... do I matter?

Even if I don't appeal to some people, do I still deserve to exist and take up space? If people don't like me, or if people judge or criticize me, do I still deserve access to resources to get my needs met?

Do I deserve to be allowed to solve my problems if doing so will cause other people to have to see me while I'm struggling?

Do I deserve to be allowed to ask for help if it might turn out that that person doesn't want to help me?

Or should I hide and isolate myself so people don't have to be burdened with my seemingly subpar existence?

Do I matter? Intrinsically? Or do I have to earn my right to "be?"

Why can't I feel like I matter?

[MickeyCheeky]

You matter. We all do if someone doesn't like you, that's their business. You can only decide to ignore them and move on (or, if you really feel there's some truth in it, try to change).
But never say you don't matter, please. There hasn't been any person on this planet like you

[eskielover]

Why can't I feel like I matter?

Maybe because no one made you feel like you matter in the earlier years of your life?

YES, you matter & you are entitled to matter.

We need to learn skills to deal with our NOW. We need to learn how to validate ourselves when no one else around us is capable of validating us.

We all have problems.....we all matter!!!!

There will always be someone we don't appeal to....that's just life, but if we aren't around others we will never find those that we do truly connect with & even then there will always be differences but not critical.

You have more than a right to solve your problems. What I found out that solving my own problems pointed out the problems that others around me had......thus comes the problems of determining how to deal with that.......sometimes we need to remove them from our life. In my case, my parents died years ago & I finally left my bad marriage 9 years ago. Only then was I able to truly sort through & understand the problems that I had & was dealing with enough to truly heal.

We are always entitled to ask for help....what I found is that it wasn't that the person didn't want to help me it was that they were incapable of helping me....until I finally found the right help.....just takes patience.

Sometimes hiding during the worst times isn't a bad thing especially if we are surrounded by unsupportive people. Better to be alone than around people who hurt us.....but if you have a good group of supportive people or even one person, it's always best to not hide because sometimes talking (but not overwhelming them with our problems) is good.....T's are a different story....they are paid to be overwhelmed because in reality, their job is to help us with those things that are overwhelming us.....& to teach us skills to deal with those things on our own.

We earn our right to be......because WE ARE!!!!! Everyone matters!!!!

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

You matter. We all do if someone doesn't like you, that's their business. You can only decide to ignore them and move on (or, if you really feel there's some truth in it, try to change).
But never say you don't matter, please. There hasn't been any person on this planet like you

Thank you thank you thank you.

Originally Posted by eskielover

Maybe because no one made you feel like you matter in the earlier years of your life?

YES, you matter & you are entitled to matter.

We need to learn skills to deal with our NOW. We need to learn how to validate ourselves when no one else around us is capable of validating us.

We all have problems.....we all matter!!!!

There will always be someone we don't appeal to....that's just life, but if we aren't around others we will never find those that we do truly connect with & even then there will always be differences but not critical.

You have more than a right to solve your problems. What I found out that solving my own problems pointed out the problems that others around me had......thus comes the problems of determining how to deal with that.......sometimes we need to remove them from our life. In my case, my parents died years ago & I finally left my bad marriage 9 years ago. Only then was I able to truly sort through & understand the problems that I had & was dealing with enough to truly heal.

We are always entitled to ask for help....what I found is that it wasn't that the person didn't want to help me it was that they were incapable of helping me....until I finally found the right help.....just takes patience.

Sometimes hiding during the worst times isn't a bad thing especially if we are surrounded by unsupportive people. Better to be alone than around people who hurt us.....but if you have a good group of supportive people or even one person, it's always best to not hide because sometimes talking (but not overwhelming them with our problems) is good.....T's are a different story....they are paid to be overwhelmed because in reality, their job is to help us with those things that are overwhelming us.....& to teach us skills to deal with those things on our own.

We earn our right to be......because WE ARE!!!!! Everyone matters!!!!

The part about removing people from your life... I struggle so much with that.

I am very aware of the problems of people around me like I'm very aware of my own problems. I just tend to think, if only I gave them another chance, if only I tried harder, did something different, then they could grow with me.

But I end up sacrificing my own growth by staying around because those people don't want me to grow. Because me growing pressures them to grow as well.

I even had this happen with my former T. She wouldn't let me grow. I tried anyway and things fell apart. We had this running joke that I was the ideal client. I could barely even bring my problems into my own damn therapy because I was so ashamed of them.

So in the end I felt so worthless that I couldn't even pay her to tolerate me anymore. I know it wasn't really about that, it was about her anxieties but the point is it felt like even with a T I can't overcome this problem. And that made me feel more helpless.

It feels like I've always surrounded myself with exactly the people who don't want me to grow. Because I wasn't honest enough in the beginning so they learned to like someone I'm straining myself to be.

I stopped being fake but then just isolated instead.

I guess this is me trying to take a baby step. I didn't even feel like I was worth posting this thread....

So I just want to say I really appreciate your reply and there is a lot of wisdom in it. It sounds like you've been where I'm at right now and it feels surprisingly relevant. Thanks so much for sharing that. And for telling me that I matter.

[Fuzzybear]

[Thunder Bow]

I blessed you with cedar, and with my eagle feathers, because you do matter.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

I blessed you with cedar, and with my eagle feathers, because you do matter.

Woah, that sounds really awesome! Thank you!

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

The part about removing people from your life... I struggle so much with that.

I struggled with that too....33 years in the bad marriage before I finally left

I am very aware of the problems of people around me like I'm very aware of my own problems. I just tend to think, if only I gave them another chance, if only I tried harder, did something different, then they could grow with me.

That's exactly what I thought with my H. Even at the end I gave him one more chance to change by coming to my new farm in a new environment that had been so positive for me the previous 6 months. I fought rather than trying harder because he was too much like my parents who I fought with also.

But I end up sacrificing my own growth by staying around because those people don't want me to grow. Because me growing pressures them to grow as well.

I sacrificed my own growth too. But in my case after researching the behaviors of my H after leaving, all his behavior points to him being on the Autistic Spectrum (previously known as Aspergers), I didn't buy his inability to change until I understood what I was really dealing with....then my Dad's behavior started to make sense also....same traits..neither was capable of change. Now I understand why my only option ended up being for me to leave.

I even had this happen with my former T. She wouldn't let me grow. I tried anyway and things fell apart. We had this running joke that I was the ideal client. I could barely even bring my problems into my own damn therapy because I was so ashamed of them.

I understand not bringing in problems but for me it wasn't due to shame....it was because everything that was wrong, I thought was normal. I didn't even know I never experienced emotional connection all my life. I knew the connections all felt superficial but no one really noticed that what I was experiencing wasn't normal....part because my intelligence hid a lot of stuff. I just souted out 60 years of my life in the last 3 after finally having outstanding psychologists & an awesome DBT group leader.

So in the end I felt so worthless that I couldn't even pay her to tolerate me anymore. I know it wasn't really about that, it was about her anxieties but the point is it felt like even with a T I can't overcome this problem. And that made me feel more helpless.

I was sure the problem was mine because I was the one who fought with my parents, then my H....my logic said the commonality was ME, I had no idea until researching that it was them with the common issues. I had a H who looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language when I communicated with him. I thought communication was my problem, not his inability to comprehend what I said. He wouldn't do things I asked when I thought I asked clearly & he could never handle problems... They always ended up more of a mess if he tried & it was more work for me

It feels like I've always surrounded myself with exactly the people who don't want me to grow. Because I wasn't honest enough in the beginning so they learned to like someone I'm straining myself to be.

It's important to be yourself even if not honest in the beginning. It never works trying to be what others want

I stopped being fake but then just isolated instead.

That's ok for awhile. It takes alone time to sort through & figure out who & what we are, not in relationship to others but to ourselves.

I guess this is me trying to take a baby step. I didn't even feel like I was worth posting this thread....

Glad you did post. One thing I learned in the 2 years of group DBT if just how important being validated is in our growth & healing process

So I just want to say I really appreciate your reply and there is a lot of wisdom in it. It sounds like you've been where I'm at right now and it feels surprisingly relevant. Thanks so much for sharing that. And for telling me that I matter.

I'm glad that what I said & have experienced myself has been able to give you some help....& the most important thing to KNOW is that you matter in spite of what anyone else makes you feel!!!!

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I struggled with that too....33 years in the bad marriage before I finally left

That's exactly what I thought with my H. Even at the end I gave him one more chance to change by coming to my new farm in a new environment that had been so positive for me the previous 6 months. I fought rather than trying harder because he was too much like my parents who I fought with also.

I sacrificed my own growth too. But in my case after researching the behaviors of my H after leaving, all his behavior points to him being on the Autistic Spectrum (previously known as Aspergers), I didn't buy his inability to change until I understood what I was really dealing with....then my Dad's behavior started to make sense also....same traits..neither was capable of change. Now I understand why my only option ended up being for me to leave.

I somewhat understand this. I've been in a not so mature r/ship for... 8 years now? I mean it gave me a badly needed escape route from my toxic family situation. But now I am dependent on my partner. We live in a place I would never have chosen myself. It's semi-rural and it's hard to get the help I need, even without my not insignificant MH issues.

Well, that's one thing, but the real problem is my partner either is unwilling or unable to respect my needs or wishes and has next to zero active interest in my feelings or what I'm going through in my life. I know I shouldn't put up with that but I feel trapped in a bad cycle with no way to leave.

He has claimed he has Asperger's too and I didn't believe him. He's not oblivious to what I'm feeling, he typically knows my mood, he just isn't interested and treats it as an annoyance. Definitely reminds me of my critical and rejecting father in a lot of ways.

Well fortunately I know what I need to be working on to be more independent, but also I'm so starved of human connection and affection that I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. I would not be so sensitive to rejection if I was not so alone. Catch .22. I'm just slowly trying to learn to depend on myself and meet my own needs and be assertive. In my FOO all these things were neglected, discouraged or punished. Those wounds are so hard to heal.

I understand not bringing in problems but for me it wasn't due to shame....it was because everything that was wrong, I thought was normal. I didn't even know I never experienced emotional connection all my life. I knew the connections all felt superficial but no one really noticed that what I was experiencing wasn't normal....part because my intelligence hid a lot of stuff. I just souted out 60 years of my life in the last 3 after finally having outstanding psychologists & an awesome DBT group leader.

This does make sense to me as well. When I met ex T I was in denial about how bad things had become. We had an intense connection that made me totally rethink myself and my view of other people. It healed half of my broken whole. The self-alteration and covering up the truth. The other half is more authentic self-expression/individuality and my ex T would not tolerate that because expressing MY authentic self made her come into contact with HER authentic self.

It's weird, I don't feel ashamed of my problems with a T I don't feel personally connected to. But with ex T, since I felt that connection, I felt more ashamed, like caring was something that had to continually be earned rather than just a way of being. I can't automatically feel connected to people. I have to feel desirable and needed first, and I think it shouldn't be that way.

Wow, that must have felt like such a relief though. After 60 years, to finally just unburden yourself of all those stressful limiting patterns.

I was sure the problem was mine because I was the one who fought with my parents, then my H....my logic said the commonality was ME, I had no idea until researching that it was them with the common issues. I had a H who looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language when I communicated with him. I thought communication was my problem, not his inability to comprehend what I said. He wouldn't do things I asked when I thought I asked clearly & he could never handle problems... They always ended up more of a mess if he tried & it was more work for me

This part I really do relate to. And then he gets mad at me for not wanting to involve him in it, as if I am insulting him. but it doesn't matter how clear I am because he doesn't feel an obligation to stick to things we agreed upon.

Always feels so much easier to take the blame than to accept that not everyone can give what we need. But I guess that is selfish too.

It's important to be yourself even if not honest in the beginning. It never works trying to be what others want

Glad you did post. One thing I learned in the 2 years of group DBT if just how important being validated is in our growth & healing process

I'm glad that what I said & have experienced myself has been able to give you some help....& the most important thing to KNOW is that you matter in spite of what anyone else makes you feel!!!!

You're absolutely right. I'm learning to live with myself in any shape and form but still struggling to let others back in/believe anyone will want to know me anymore. I just keep telling myself what I logically know is true and challenging the fears. I guess that is how you build the sense of KNOWing.

It really does help though. I really appreciate your input and getting this validation that it was a good idea to share what I was feeling.

I also feel like having a personal healing space is one big thing. You mentioned your farm and I think that must have been so important as well. I don't have something like that, but at least I created a room of my own that felt uniquely calm to me and I know that kept me sane in a lot of times I would have otherwise lost it. Along with validation I think people desperately need their own space. Just sometimes that is hard to find because of ongoing survival struggles.

I wonder if I matter every day. You worded it better than me though. I wonder if I do because I don't have anything to offer this world, if I'm even supposed to be here or it's just some big accident. I feel like only people who are slaves to society get "rights", while my life probably isn't valued at anything.

So I do think you matter and deserve to feel like you matter, but the world the way it values someone better than another is to blame. It is unfair and wrong in so many ways.

I'm sorry you have to feel this way

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

I wonder if I matter every day. You worded it better than me though. I wonder if I do because I don't have anything to offer this world, if I'm even supposed to be here or it's just some big accident. I feel like only people who are slaves to society get "rights", while my life probably isn't valued at anything.

So I do think you matter and deserve to feel like you matter, but the world the way it values someone better than another is to blame. It is unfair and wrong in so many ways.

I'm sorry you have to feel this way

Thank you Anna

That's sort of how I feel too.

But it's like, does society not want me, or is it that I think society doesn't want me so I don't participate enough? And since I don't participate, naturally I don't belong. It's just a big question mark.

When really it's just that my parents didn't want me enough, or in a lot of ways, I didn't, probably still don't want me enough.

Well, true, I don't have enough to show for myself and society doesn't want that. It doesn't have time to understand me unless I find a way to make myself understood. It doesn't have time to incorporate me into its system if I'm rejecting all the things the system is built on. Everybody has "adjustments" that they make to fit in. But behind that they still have all the same types of flaws and vulnerabilities and conflicting feelings as me.

I guess when I'm asking "do I matter" I'm asking if it's too late for me to change. To reverse this process of self-rejection and create myself again. Can someone get too far gone or waste too much time and actually no longer be allowed to participate in our society? Because I was empty before, will people scoff at me and prevent me from becoming full?

Or, is there hope... do I begin to have value again as soon as I begin to create value? I know it is the latter even when I'm afraid it is the former.

I'm trying my best and I guess I just (do greatly) appreciate the validation that it's true. And I know from my perspective, I mean obviously I don't know who you are but I would never say, oh, you don't have a long history of great achievements, pah! I wouldn't think that either. It would be more like, hmm, I wonder where Anna72914 is going to go from here?

I think the focus I'm trying to take is that really, it's like that with everyone. Even if they've already made it, they already have all the great relationships or memories or achievements or possessions or they're the picture of perfection, even those people, the truth is that we're all still asking, "yeah, but where are they going next?" It never stops. That is the part that actually matters so it's like anyone can opt-in at any time, right?

I think all this time when people have rejected me it's because I wasn't going anywhere now, rather than the fact that I hadn't been much of anywhere before. Because I kept gazing sadly at the things I never had instead of moving forward.