Insecurity

Hello everyone. New to the forum here and obviously I came aboard looking for some answer to an existing problem. A little background, I'm divorced (back in 2010), then was in another 3 year relationship that ended in (2013) and now in month 6 of a current relationship. I'm very, very happy with the girl that I'm with currently and can genuinely see myself marrying her. I also know she feels the same, as she's told me so.

Unfortunately, we keep having this reoccuring issue when we go out with her friends where I feel neglected, almost unwanted and I become closed off and rigid and it has lead to a argument or small fight every time we go out.

The first time it happened, her, a girlfriend and I went out all day and then later to a club to meet more friends. I wasn't really feeling like I was there with her a various moments and so I started these feelings of anger and hurt. Like I didn't matter and was just a accessory. She came to hug me towards the end of the night at the club we were at and I clearly pulled away from her in front of her friends. After nice long quiet ride home, I explained to her that my feelings were hurt and I didn't respond maturely and I was sorry for the way I acted. She said I was right next to you the whole time. I told her she was just completely different from every other time we had been out. On every occasion before she couldn't keep her hands off of me or me her and we were so in lust over each other. Now that her girl friend was there, she was 100% different. She explained that she has a few girlfriends that are single that she doesn't want to be like that in front of because it makes them uncomfortable. She doesn't want to rub our relationship in their face while they're sitting there as the third wheel in some respects. I get it. I get not wanting to make your friends uncomfortable. Do I like it? Of course not. I like the emotions and feelings of desire we have when we've had a few drinks and we can't keep our hands off each other; but I shouldn't react the way I did. The second time, we went out. I again felt neglected. We started with dinner and sat together. She didn't introduce me to anyone. I introduced myself and I took this kind of personally. She was overcome by everyone coming in at once and just didn't have the change to introduce me; but I was really bothered with it. I did't say anything; but that's when the feelings of anger and hurt started. We finished, I secretly bought dinner for 12 of her friends from out of town, who we were visiting and when we got to the club she was hanging out with them and taking photos with them and posting them on social media and I wasn't included in anything. At the time, I was furious. I didn't take it out on her or her friends, but internally; I was fuming. Why? My feelings were hurt; but I couldn't communicate this without sounding needy. And the fact is, I was being needy. I know she hadn't seen her friends in years and of course she needs to hang out with them, take photos with them, etc. As the night progressed, she could tell I was acting stiff and rigid as I had done before; but we just swept it under the rug and went home and slept it off. The third time, this weekend, I really consciously tried to do better, because I do realize i'm not acting rationally. It was for her best friend's birthday party. We were running late, so I rushed over to pickup her and 3 of her friends up, to drive to dinner. I arrived at her place and all 3 friends came to say hello; except for her. She doesn't come and say hi for at least 10 minutes cause she's doing her makeup. So what? I know; but I was butt-hurt because I had spent 6 hours that day, cleaning her place, hanging up pictures, hanging up drapes, etc, etc; not because she ever asked me to, but because she was constantly stressed about never having the time to get it done. So I just did it for her and I really felt unappreciated. So my feeling are hurt again, I get rigid in front of all of her friends and I make some backhanded remarks about meaningless things. We pulled each other aside and she please don't start the night like this and I explained why I was hurt and she apologized and explained she was super stressed out about getting her friends thing together, and her work day stressful that day and a whole host of things that she was dealing with. But we talked it out and we both understood that we misunderstood each other and we were fine. We went to dinner, everything was great. They forgot to get the cake in time, so I had the staff make her friend one as a surprise and everything was perfect. She was happy, her friends were happy. Mission accomplished. Then we got to the club and I just got to so uncomfortable and rigid. I guess anxious about what the night was going to bring and I was going to act. Would I make an *** of myself? Could I loosen up at some point and just have fun? I was consciously trying not to have those feelings and yet, I'm sitting here, hands in pockets, stiff. She stopped to take a pic with me, then with her girls and then she was back and forth all night. Friends, me, friends, me, etc. Coordinating with other people where we were, saying high to people who arrived and introducing me, etc. I started to loosen up after a few drinks and was having some fun talking to her friends and lightly dancing; but I was still just angry inside and she hadn't done anything. I was trying so hard to let it go; but I was just so anxious that something was going to happen to set me off. And I was trying so hard to hide it and it just wouldn't stay. Her friend saw me sneak the bill away and pay for the bottles at the table and started whispering all of these, well, things she should do to me later and I made this snarky remark, "i wouldn't worry, she's not that kind of girl." Then she approached me and I kind of aimed her over and nudged her over towards her friends and said, "go play". She looked at me and said, "we can't go out together anymore." Ouch! We got home later and she was angry and I was angry and I asked if she wanted some time off, she said no. Did she want me to go home, she said no. But I was just so upset that I just walked out and started to leave, got to the garage and realized, things were honestly too good to for us to be fighting over this and I know we can fix it and went back. So we had our little pow wow and it was late, so we decided we don't just leave when things get tough (well.....I shouldn't leave) and that we're just in a little rough patch. So now as you can see, it's becoming a theme.

I've sat and really thought about this and read tons of articles in the past 48 hours and I realize that this has been something that has always happened when I've got serious in a relationship. I start to feel needy and I hate it. I know it's toxic, I know everything that I do is wrong when I act out on these emotions; but I get so hurt and in turn angry and make sly remarks in passing. I lock up. I withdraw and measure everything she does. If she spends a long time talking with her girls and ignoring me, I feel unnecessary. If I see her talking to another guy or just a guy friend, I wonder why she's not introducing me. If she expresses complete excitement to see someone she hasnt seen in a long time or has just walked in the room, I wonder why she doesn't react that way when I walk in. When I see other couples dancing together, making out, loving on each other; I wonder why that isn't us. I wonder, why is it only when we're out with her friends that it's like this? I'm starting to realize that I've been this way in every relationship and it's only when we go out and only after we've been together for some time. I start feeling insecure and needing to constantly reaffirm that "we're ok". Fortunately, (I think) I'm smart enough to know there's a problem. To realize that she's not doing anything wrong; but that doesn't just make these feelings go away from here on out. She's obviously chosen me to be with. She says she loves me all the time. We stay together every night and she can't stand it when I'm not there. So why am I not secure in us when we're out. So yesterday I told her I needed to send her something in writing so she could read it, uninterrupted and think about it. And I basically told her that I'm a big bucket of insecurity right now. I'm trying to pinpoint why and fix it and that I know she didn't do anything wrong. That I knew having me there was important to her and that I'm letting my emotions get the better of me and that this will not be a habit every time we go out; but I realize now that has been a reoccurring problem in all of my relationships and I need her to kindly support me while I'm trying to figure this out. When she got home that night, we talked some more and that's when she explained about her past boyfriend. How he never would go out with her and how she told herself she'd never be with a person like that again and that she's afraid that since I've always been like this she was seriously concerned. She said people don't change. I disagreed explaining that people constantly change. That's how relationships adapt. She said I needed to trust her and stop worrying so much about the relationship. That she wants us to be at place where we're just comfortable with each other. I explained how I feel when we're out and that I consciously made an effort to do better this time and was sad that 1-2 minutes of bad, could offset hours of good times. I think we found a happy place after our talk. We both agreed we can work through this. That there's so much good in our relationship to be overshadowed by these few bad occasions; but it still has to get fixed. It's too important to her that we can do these things together, so it's important to me too. Not only for her; but to fix myself.

So now I have to find the problem and I think part of it is, when we first started dating, we couldn't keep our hands off each other when we went out. Now its kind of slowing down, which is normal; but I don't want to let go of that. This transition is maybe subconsciously freaking me out and I'm reacting. On the other hand, I know that this is all me and my doing. I'm letting my mind get carried away. I'm letting my fear and anxiety take over and I'm becoming very doomsday when we're out. I constantly pull away. I don't touch her or acknowledge her. I'm an ***** and I know it's because I'm feeling hurt; but it's all made up in my head and I'm really not sure how to fix it. Other than consistently putting myself in this same situation over and over and letting my mind realize, it's ok. She's here with you even though she's not smothering you. She deserves to be happy and enjoy herself too; but I'm struggling. Maybe I could ask her for the next couple times we're out, we leave a little bit earlier instead of closing the club down. Maybe looking down and seeing we're leaving soon will help the anxiety until I get more comfortable with the situation. But is that fair to her? I don't know. I'm short on ideas right now.

Hello parabol001: From what you wrote, it sounds as though you & your gf are doing lots of things right. So congratulations on that! The only thing I would like to suggest here, though, is that trying to figure this all out by yourself may not be the most effective way to proceed. Delving into how you react, in the situations you describe, with the help of a skilled therapist might be a better way to proceed than to simply keep trying to figure this out by yourself.

But also keep in mind that "it takes two to tango", as the saying goes. You're in all probability not entirely at fault here either. Perhaps there are some ways in which your gf could be handling these situations with more consideration too. So don't just keep beating yourself up over this. For one thing, it doesn't help. Plus it's not likely all your fault.

This appears to be your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Many thanks Skeezyks. I'm fortunate that I have a partner who I can tell these things to and wants to help work on it. It's not something that can't be fixed and I know by working on this together, we build a stronger foundation for us. Some people believe you should figure this out on your own without making it your partner's problem; but I disagree. That defeats the purpose of having a partner. We all have insecurities at some point and I'm just learning that mine are a result of my childhood and past relationships. Neither of which have anything to do with my current girlfriend. But we'll get past this. If it can be learned, it can be unlearned. I do believe that.

Thanks again.

hi!

I've exhibited a similar pattern of behavior in my relationships (you wouldn't happen to be a Cancer, would you? jk). What it took to change, for me, was a partner who could understand what was happening and was willing to make an effort to help me change. After a few fights (that began fairly similarly to what you described), my partner and I made a code. If I say "hold me closer tiny dancer", he knows that I am feeling insecure and he knows to make an extra effort to make me feel loved. Sometimes, I can abuse the system or get too grumpy to use it entirely. I'm fortunate to have a partner who is highly emotionally intelligent, who is willing to point out to me what I'm doing. We have a code for that, too - he tells me "oops, you dropped your smile" and boops me on the nose. That silly little gesture lets me know he sees me, and that maybe I need to take a step back from my feelings. It is not a perfect system, but just knowing that my partner is aware and willing to work with me is immensely helpful. At first, I could get really embarrassed and even more insecure when I realized he could tell what was going on in my head; but once I let go of my ego and just leaned into it with appreciation for his effort, I found that I could laugh at myself and diffuse the mood more easilly. Using silly phrases for code words rather than serious talk definitely helps lighten the mood, and can help keep the issue private in public.

Anyway, even if my silly system isn't for you, I think it bodes very well for you and your relationship that you are self aware and willing to open up and she is willing to work with you. Best of luck!