i cussed at my bf's mom

i cussed at my bf's mom today and almost got into a fight with her.

well this morning, my bf was like "i'll make us some breakfast after i get out if yhe shower" and i asked if i coulf have the rest of the pasta in the fridge cause the other day he told me to finish it before it goes bad. but then he took it the wrong way when i asked if i could eat the pasta and thought i didn't want to eat his food. he kept yelling at me and i told him to stop, i told him i was sorry. then he was still mad cause i said i didn't really know what i did wronf, i wouldn't shut up so he pushed me into the shower and i fell. i got up and he said "you're so dramatic." and i asked if i could get a bagel from the kitchen (we live at his mom's btw) and she noticed i looked pissed off and we both didn't say anything to her, but wheh i went back into the room. she asked him what was wrong and he told her that he wanted to make breakfast for me but i refused. so i opened the door, i didn't even brush my teeth and i hadn't taken my meds abd i said "why are you talking about me" and his mom was like were not talking about you and she was like imm really close to him. and i tried to say something and i just felt like she kept taking his side and i was like "just be quiet you always take his side. this isn't even about you' she told me i was disrespectful and i called her a ***** and she yelled at me to leave. i brought up to her that he always puts his hands on me and she was like then leave, you don't pay rent anyways. i was gonna pay her and him but recently my bf hasn't been lettig me cause he knows i'm broke and i had to take out a loan to take care of myself. i'm so stupid. i can't believe i lashed out like that. my bf brought up how i got into a fight with my mom not to long ago too.

my bf told us to say sorry to each other but i could tell she hates me cause she gave me this ****** hug and said "im sorry that this happened," i think i'm going crazy.

i hate seeing my face and i can't forgive myself for how i act. i ended up just telling my mom what i said to his mom i told her that my bf and i have still been arguing and she was like "does he hit you" i just couldn't answer her. it's no excuse to cuss out his mom. she hates me, idk what to do. i mean, he says she doesn't hate me but she just is letting me stay there cause of him. my mom said that i need to leave and come back home, like to her place. im scared. i told a friend about it and she said i need to leave, and she said i shouldn't feel bad and saud that him and his mom are mean and it's ****ed up but i can't forgive myself. no matter what i'm always gonna hate myself.

((((foster))))

Your friend is right. Don't balme yourself too much. You clearly live in an abusive environment.. you have to get away from those people as soon as possible. You have to take care of yourself..

I'm so sorry

Your bf was yelling at you, pushed you until you fell, and said you were too dramatic just because of breakfast? This man (I would say boy because adult doesn't act like that) is clearly abusive. Yes you shouldn't cuss at his mother, because we shouldn't cuss at anyone, but you should not stay with this kind of people as well. I assumed (correct me if I am wrong), that his mother knows that he often does physical (and mental of course) abuse to you and she does nothing about it? And she always takes his side? Is that the type of family you want for the rest of yourlife?

Your mother wanted you come home. Why you care so much about someone else's mother who is not even care about you when your own mother loves you? I'd leave him and his mother, and if I couldn't do that for myself, I'd do for your mother who I believe in constant hurt from worrying about her daughter's safety and happiness.

Please stop blaming yourself, please forgive yourself, please love yourself. Making us feeling bad for defending ourself is one of old tactics from abusers to trap us in their abusive behaviours.

but i can't. he's my only real friend and he's my best friend and i just know i'll be alone and i don't know how to leave him. i was doing that in the beginning of our relationship, but not anymore. my social anxiety and depression have gotten really bad, i should sought help, but i didn't. i stopped talking to people i used to talk to.

i've even been pushing my bf away cause i've been so depressed, we just got into another argument cause he thought i was shutting him out. i told him that i still think his mom hates me and thinks i'm the problem. cause that day after his mom and i argued, he was saying something and i kept interrupting him and they both told me to stop talking and shut up. his mom was like "shut up, let him talk," and then she said "i can see why you're always arguing with her" i really do think that this is all my fault still. idk

but then my bf said that she doesn't mind if i'm over here. i just feel like a bother. it's hard not to blame myself, this is my first real relationship with a guy and i just messed everything up. i can't even have normal relationships with people. i've fought with my mom before, i've been really disrespectful towards her, i've cussed at her. and i never payed her rent when i was living there.
and i don't even pay rent right now to my bf's mom. the only thing i usually say to her is "hi" cause i haven't been talking to anyone cause i've been so upset with myself and my social anxiety got much worse and i didn't seek help. i know i'm a mean person, everyone just thinks i'm rude. and even if i'm in a bad environment, i could leave at any time, no one forcing me to stay here. and i should have handled it differently instead of cussing out his mom. she told me to leave, and i'm still here. i don't deserve it. my bf doesn't want me to go live with my mom and i don't either. i get into argument with my mom too, it's not gonna be any better. we've gotten into physcial fights and i've gotten more bruises when i eas living with her than i did when i'm living with my bf. there's no point, i'm just the **** up. my bf said that if i just get another job (i quit my recent job cause i couldn't handle it anymore, all i would do is show up, try to hide and cry where no one could see me, then clock out) things will be back to normal and i won't have to live with my mom.

foster the human, do you see a talk therapist? Do you get your medication from a psychiatrist?

(((((foster the human)))))

I'm not currently talking to a therapist. I know I should be. And I don't get my medication from a therapist, it's just from a psychiatrist

it's not the kind of family i want to have, but i still love him and we had to end up making amends that day, and i just kind of want to be forgiven, idk. i know it's stupid. my mom said i could write her a note/letter better explaining myself and what happened. cause if maybe she doesn't know the entire story, it might help her to better understand. like even if my bf and i break up, i just don't want that situation in he back of my head or feeling like i could have done something else. but i honestly don't know if it's a good idea.

I'd talk to a therapist if I were you. A therapy will help you in understanding yourself better and it will teach you how to control your emotions. When you can control yourself then you will have a clearer insight to any relationships that you are in right now. What needs to be fixed in those relationships, should you stay or not, etc. If your depression is getting worse lately, maybe it is time to get some meds adjustment? Could be the meds you are on right now are not the right ones for you or you need a different dosage.

i've tried therapy and there were a couple times were the therapist told me that i had been going to their session with the same/similar questions/concerns and it wouldn't get anywhere and that they're trying to help me. one of them sounded upset with me before and got annoyed with me. i deserved it anyway, i was acting hysterical, crying and not taking her advice. she told me to stop throwing a pity pit, it was also our last session, so i chose a wrong time anyway. so yeah, i've been pretty reluctant on seeing another therapist. i'm just embarrassed about how i acted those times, i've been trying to work on my reassuring questions, but it hasn't gotten better. but i'm not ruling out other forms of help