[ADeepSandbox]

I have recently come to realize I have a great deal of anger about losing my grandmother to Alzheimer's and the five years I spent helping care for her at home. It is anger wrapped up in grief and it isn't directed at anybody. I'm a believer but I don't find myself angry at God. I'm angry at my mother for being cruel to me during those years, but that is separate.

It's like I'm just frustratingly, ragingly angry at the many painful memories I have of what it was like to care for my grandmother, all the pain she suffered, all the hospitalizations, watching her lose control of her mind and body over such a long time. I'm angry at the long years I spent being unable to do anything to stop her pain while she suffered, and angry at being so helpless and even angry at myself a little for being angry in the first place.

I guess I'm really on edge sometimes especially when I have a nightmare about it or when I am put in a situation that's too similar to that time in my life. (She died May 2015). I think I get a little short tempered and it's definitely adding to my anxiety and depression.

I know I don't have to do anything with this anger, and part of me wants to be angry as long as I need to be angry. But I also feel like it would be good to do something outward to express my anger. But since it's not directed at anybody, it's kind of hard to figure out how.

I've thought of ripping up paper, or breaking some cheap dishes, or...I don't know, what's something harmlessly destructive I can do? Something I can tear up or completely destroy that will help me get some of this anger out? There's an element of wanting to destroy to it, I guess my anger feels very big and I need to make a huge mess to show how big it is or it won't feel right. But it should be something that won't be harmful or dangerous. I'm also pretty shy so if I could do it in private without getting anyone's attention, that would be good! (That rules out just screaming till I'm hoarse, although I think that would probably help.)

[Artchic528]

Journaling!!! I don't know if sitting down to write everything out is your cup of tea, but it sure helps me to purge the anger from my psyche.

[ADeepSandbox]

Thank you! I do write a fair bit, but I don't think it's what I need for this. This kind of anger would just have me fill up pages and pages of nothing but "I'M ANGRY" and "F___ THIS" and maybe just break open the ink pen and smear the ink all over the pages so it's illegible and all over my hands. This anger is so deep that words just can't express well enough to help. I need something more physical to match how ugly and horrible it is.

[Artchic528]

Well, an old therapist of mine once said "Destroying something feels good, but that feeling only lasts for a short time and then the anger comes right back again."

You need to find a constructive outlet, maybe go out and join Habitat for Humanity in your area to build a home for someone in need. Plenty of pounding, sawing, and hammering going on there. I see you're in NC, like me. Our state was hit pretty hard by Hurricane Matthew. Maybe you could find an organization that helps take out damaged parts of houses, and even build them back up again. That is, if you live anywhere near the eastern part of the state. The tearing down will fulfill your urge to destroy something, but you'd be doing it for reasons other than just to get anger out. Who knows, helping others might help you to feel better about yourself!! It's a win/win!!

[ADeepSandbox]

Thank you, again, and you have a good point. With nearly anything else I would agree with you very much. But at the same time, I just...I don't WANT to be constructive? I don't want to build. I want to destroy. Alzheimer's is destructive and ugly, what I went through was destructive and ugly, and I want an outlet that can let me get those rage-feelings out in an equally powerful (but still not dangerous or harmful) way.

Hammering nails just isn't going to do it. I think I'd just end up frustrated. It's not expressive enough. It would be a good distraction, on the other hand, but not a release. Not for this.

But I might get involved with them anyway, I know the local Habitat director. They're very slow and only build one house every year or so and I don't know if they're at the construction phase right now or not. I do volunteer work with another group right now but my term on the board is ending this December so I'll have some free time to dedicate to it.

[Artchic528]

I feel you're not only hanging on to anger, but a deep seeded resentment towards things like Alzheimer's and how it affected your Grandmother.

[ADeepSandbox]

That's exactly the case, yes. I'm very, very angry at what my grandmother went through and I'm also very angry at what I went through taking care of her. I have never been able to express that anger to anybody or in any way. I'm looking for ways to express it in a satisfyingly destructive, but not dangerous or harmful manner.

I googled around and found a pdf: http://www.vsof.org/articles/express...ger_safely.pdf

I really like the suggestion about beating up a trash can with a baseball bat, I might try that one if I can find an old trash can.

Something I wrote up above about breaking open a pen and smearing ink all over the place actually made me think maybe that's an option, but on a big thick sketchbook. I could call it a loveletter to Alzheimer's, and then go out and burn it in my fire pit. Maybe just writing angry curse words all over a sketchbook and then burning or tearing it up would be good. I like that idea.

Maybe rub coffee grounds all over the paper for all the bad coffee I drank all those times I was at the hospital with her, and maybe see if I can get some hospital visitor bracelets that I had to wear so much and burn those too.

To me, it sounds like you have a very healthy approach to how you want to deal with your anger - in a way that's not harmful to anyone! Good for you

I've had a lot of pent-up anger and rage from childhood neglect and abuse, and I actually once thought of going to a flea market and buying some cheap plates or something that I could smash at home to release my anger.

My former therapist found that 'her thing' was screaming in the car while driving - obviously, you shouldn't get so upset it'd affect your driving!

I feel sprinting might do it for me, but as I'm physically so exhausted I can hardly get out of bed, I've made do with journalling - though sometimes, I have ended up hammering the pen through the paper and ripping some pages up..

I've also used mental imagery where I've confronted my childhood monsters and acted out killing them.. I know that probably sounds totally crazy, but it's just a reflection of how angry I've been. I'd never do anything to hurt anyone for real.

The most helpful way for me has probably been sharing with people who can just listen - who don't try to deny my anger or change it into something different. Sad thing is, such people arent that easy to find.. But if you have (a) trusted friend(s), you could tell them you just need to share, and for them to just say, 'OK, thank you for sharing. I hear you.' Whatever it is you need from them

I hope you find a way that works for you It's so important to get your emotional energy out so you can feel better!

[ADeepSandbox]

Thank you, notdeadyet! And I'm sorry for what you went through. I like your suggestions!

Last night I seized on the idea of using angry art and just completely destroying a sketchbook with angry painful memories, and I went and got a couple sketchbooks and some supplies to pour my heart out with on the page. I filled two pages with two of the worst memories and cried the whole time, in private. I think I used up an entire sharpie marker and a whole lot of watercolors.

It felt very good to take my anger out with color and by taking scissors to the paper and cutting the pages into jagged edges. And I take comfort in looking at the book and knowing that when I'm done, I'm going to burn it and it will be gone.

[eyesclosed]

I don't know your age or man or woman but it doesn't matter. I used powerlifting as my outlet I would take my anger out on the weights. another thing is a heavy bag to punch that would be more private or u can kick it scratch it bite it call it names and everything.

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

another thing is a heavy bag to punch that would be more private or u can kick it scratch it bite it call it names and everything.

Great idea... ideally you could find a local boxing gym that could teach you how to properly hit a heavy bag (even better: a speed bag). It won't take you long to pick up, and it's enormously cathartic. You don't necessarily need to insult it.

[ADeepSandbox]

I would but unfortunately I have joint problems and am unable to do high impact stuff. Believe me, I would love to go for a hard run and then beat the crap out of a punching bag, but I will be limping and in severe pain for weeks afterward. I do swim though!

[JadeAmethyst]

Physical energy movement, has been helpful for anger releasing, as such floor scrubbing, window washing, lawn mowing, digging in the dirt, and planting new seeds. A yoga exercise I learned was slapping the floor, and yelling at the floor....I hope this is helpful for your wellness, and way of expression. I'm sorry for your loss, take good care.

Jade