[BornTheOutsider]

I'm not sure whether I should put this here or in the self-harm forums, so there is reference to that here if that's alright. I've begun to feel distant from myself, incapable of higher thought. I used to be a pretty emotional person and it's not as though I don't experience emotion now, its just that I can't show it. I feel the sensation of sadness, like a very deep sadness, but am unable to cry and it's been bothering me immensely as it feels like I'm less human. Just now I've suffered from one of these points where I can feel a sudden torrent of emotion overcome me but show no outward expression. I primarily feel despair, terror, loneliness, and anger but I simply lie in bed and try to hold on to it, to be able to feel it and think it all the way through, because I can feel it slipping away, as if I'm shutting off from the emotion. This pent up emotion has led me to begin to act out impulsively in order to release it, I guess since I'm no longer able of sharing it through any other means and I've begun to strike myself as a result of it. The left side of my face is all swollen now. Once I'm done I begin to calm down and I'm back to being empty. I just desperately want to know how to resolve this and to be able to feel something real again and why this has started so recently, maybe if it ties into the history of abuse.

[ElizaD]

Are you taking any medication or are you in therapy, or both? Or is this something that just began? And, if you don't mind me asking, what is your general age group?

Best,
ElizaD

[BornTheOutsider]

Thanks for the response. I'm not on any medications or in therapy. I'd say it's a progression. The depression has been growing more severe for the past 7 or so years, I only began to become emotionally numb about a year ago and I've started harming myself within the past six months, growing more severe in how much damage I've done. I'm in my early 20's.

It sounds like you may be a victim of abuse. Taking the abuse from others out on yourself by hitting yourself is not the answer. You are NOT responsible for their actions. Please channel your energies into ways to change your life for the better. Make a plan to start a new life that does not involve your abusers.

[MickeyCheeky]

[Fuzzybear]

[BornTheOutsider]

Thanks t' everyone for the responses n' advice. I've been trying to get out of the situation but every day is a constant reminder of the fact that I can't. The urge to do this always hits me whenever I'm tryin to get out a' the situation and I fail. Last time I did it I was lookin for jobs.