How to handle grief without lashing out? ...

I can't say too much because officially my friend died of a heart attack. I hate his choice, I hate how much he hurt his mother. I hate grieving.

You don't know me and I don't know you and that's fine. Suffice it to say I let myself feel hate without admitting it. But my pain is so....literally, physically painful that I'm only hurting the people who care with my words.

He was a first responder. He cared so much about saving people that, in my eyes, the job took his life. But nobody saved HIM. I didn't save him. I barely talked to him. I was so busy running from my pain and my hate that I forgot it's okay to feel love too. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to say "I need help". But the people I hurt with my words, my anger, and my grief....were the people who cared enough all along. My family. Like it or not, the people who raised me are here and instead of turning to them, I hurt them too.

Please help me. Not because I'm asking but because snow sucks and the subpar mental health professionals I've allowed to wear down my insurance without actually helping me are on holiday. I can see through my pain long enough not to hurt people who help. I have a beautiful voice, I'm human and hurting but I won't let my pain hurt people who try to help.

Psych central was my family once too. I'm gonna be okay. I won't hurt myself or turn to any drugs except smokeable plants that don't cause rehab. I care. I care enough to say "help me see past my pain long enough to get help". I just need to talk to someone.

Your friend didn't "die" on purpose...no matter what he was doing that caused a heart attack...many lessons learned here...never forget to stop and smell the roses.

Do what you can to make yourself and others happy...yourself first.

Have you investigated supports like groups, grief counselling, etc? Was PTSD involved in this? I just kind of read that between the lines. Are you in the same line of work?