[insideoutside]

I didn't know where to post this so I'm trying here.
Situation: single mom, son w/ aspergers age 15, physically abusive to me, with sexual abuse history on dads side of family. He was diagnosed at 12. After several years of waiting, we are on support services through the county and he is on DPA with juvenile justice for battery. His counselor thinks he has RAD. For several reasons, I alienated myself from other people and my only support network is my parents and these contracted team members.

Current: I functioned before by detaching/compartmentalization or something. I am training in circle of security and have found it to be emotionally eviscerating. I used to struggle with depression, anorexia/bulimia in high school, and risky behavior in college. We went through my childhood and my own abuse history. The person who is doing this training is not a LPC. I went from OK to malfunctioning. I started struggling with bulimia again in September, if he hit me and i didn't call the police i punished me. Then I got sick of throwing up so now I don't eat much and am having difficulty explaining the obvious weight loss. I'm having nightmares much of the time, if i can sleep. My mind is constantly spinning trying to keep up with all this stuff. I'm emotionally needy instead of standoffish. On top of which, I believe I'm dealing with transference towards his counselor, who offered support/partnership/strength in counseling all of which I apparently want in life, but haven't allowed myself to pursue and seem to be emotionally incapable of tolerating. The negative voice in my head is louder than it has ever been, and guilt has been overwhelming (for not being a better mom). And then I'm being weird, cutting my hair, dying it red, wearing my nose ring for the first time 10 years. While this hideous mirror/process has been challenging, it has been enlightening, but i seem to have lost my self regulation and would like to retreat to safety. It hurts and I don't know how to make it stop.

[eyesclosed]

wow I have no clue except u might be going in a risky behavoir mode u seem caught in a circle of try this try that u can't help your boy before yourself i have sympothy for u