I'm finding myself in a really deep funk that I actually feel has 'always' been in me, at my core, ever since I was little.. I used to 'play life' on top of this dull feeling, doing what was expected of me because I didn't know what else to do - but my life and living have always felt fake, like I'm not present..

The funk feels like a reluctance to 'live'. I don't mean I want to die physically - it's about me not knowing that it's OK to feel 'bad' emotions! All I've ever seen around me is people pretending they're not doing badly by numbing their pain with addictions, or somehow distracting themselves. Whereas I've always wanted to face my pain - I just never learned it's acceptable because no one around me is doing it!

Now I feel that instead of pretending my pain doesn't exist, or only revealing it in secret, I'm going to walk through it - no matter what anyone else thinks. One of my core values is honesty - emotional honesty. I can't live my life pretending. That's a kind of death to me! I'm going to go forward and be honest about what I'm feeling. That's the only way for me..

Thank you for reading.. Just needed to share

[Skeezyks]

"Confess your hidden faults.
"Approach what you find repulsive.
"Help those you think you cannot help.
"Anything you are attached to, let it go.
"Go to places that scare you."

(Advice from her teacher to the Tibetan Yogini Machik Labdron)

The Places That Scare You, Pema Chödrön, Shambhala Publications, Inc., 2001

[RainyDay107]

Living honestly is living an authentic life, good for you. Your post was interesting...I'm in no way suggesting you "need" therapy....I immediately thought your thoughts and beliefs would be interesting and fulfilling to explore and process with a therapist.

[Pinky12]

Originally Posted by not.dead.yet

I'm finding myself in a really deep funk that I actually feel has 'always' been in me, at my core, ever since I was little.. I used to 'play life' on top of this dull feeling, doing what was expected of me because I didn't know what else to do - but my life and living have always felt fake, like I'm not present..

The funk feels like a reluctance to 'live'. I don't mean I want to die physically - it's about me not knowing that it's OK to feel 'bad' emotions! All I've ever seen around me is people pretending they're not doing badly by numbing their pain with addictions, or somehow distracting themselves. Whereas I've always wanted to face my pain - I just never learned it's acceptable because no one around me is doing it!

Now I feel that instead of pretending my pain doesn't exist, or only revealing it in secret, I'm going to walk through it - no matter what anyone else thinks. One of my core values is honesty - emotional honesty. I can't live my life pretending. That's a kind of death to me! I'm going to go forward and be honest about what I'm feeling. That's the only way for me..

Thank you for reading.. Just needed to share

That is a really good attitude to have, not many people want to feel bad emotions including me because it gets overwhelming. But one needs to feel pain as it is part of our human emotional experience. Just like how we feel happy, it is also necessary to feel pain, although easier said than done.!

[MickeyCheeky]

It's hard to acknowledge bad feelings and embrace them. You're really strong.

[Open Eyes]

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...ou-as-a-child/

The above is a good article in case you have not read it yet or received it in your email. It goes along with what I have been telling you with my posts, especially when it comes to how your mother probably did not provide for you because it wasn't something she got herself and unfortunately this "void" can get handed down.

It's important that when taking the time to evaluate "self" on a deeper level that you take into account that some of what you may not have gotten doesn't mean you did not deserve it or that you were unworthy of having your needs met. Instead, unfortunately, what often happens is that a parent genuinely "lacks" in understanding the significance of filling a need in their child because it was not done for them either. Keep in mind that a lot of individuals struggle with a "lack" in nurturing and you are really not as alone as you may think or feel you are.

Taking the time to explore your own unmet needs and articulate them is a step in the right direction towards grieving and healing and finally working on understanding "voids" in self and working through them. It's always a good thing when someone is taking that time to finally "heal" and understand "self" better.

[Thunder Bow]

You are a brave Warrior.