[annxo]

I had a dream last night that I earned 3,000 dollars on my paycheck. I was so happy because it meant that I could pay off my debts, get my car fixed, and do a little shopping for myself. I was so happy until I woke up to my boyfriend waking me up asking me to go buy him lunch. I put on my clothes lying on the floor from yesterday and got him lunch. As I was listening to Free bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd I just couldn’t help imagining leaving my body and being free. I imagined leaving my body in a very gruesome shower scene where I slit my wrist and squirt blood all over the walls. As I was eating lunch with my boyfriend I was thinking about myself without him though I never want him to leave my side I was thinking about hurting him emotionally as much as possible for my own pleasure. Almost as if hurting his feelings as well as mine would feel good. I feel as if I break up with him I will hurt myself, not from heartbreak but out of pure evil and I’m afraid the result will remain the same even if I stay with him. These thoughts of blood never go away. I don’t wish to end my life or hurt myself. However, sometimes it feels like an obsession rather than depression. I'm not on this website for help, I simply believe typing my feelings and thoughts out will help put my mind back into order, like trying to get a song out of my head. It's already working, I'm going to go get a sun tan now.