Really struggling right now (long)

This is long. So if you read this and reply, I will appreciate it a lot.

I don't know where to begin, but it feels shameful to say that here, that I'm really struggling right now. because sometimes, I'm doing really well. I guess this just isn't one of those times. I think I have been struggling for a while.

I'm having a hard time accepting trauma, and the way I feel now.

I'm alone a lot of the time. It feels that way, anyway! My mom shows no interest in helping me through this. Though she says she cares, when I start to tell her, she says "have you talked to your therapist?" She always is doing other stuff while I talk to her. I practically have to follow her around the house. I should just give up. She is not present. It hurts a lot, and I think I deserve better.

My therapist, is new. I decided to see her because it would save money. But I don't feel like I connect with her. I feel badly about myself in her eyes, though she doesn't say that. My last therapist was really nice. But she is gone. Our time together is over.

I'm thinking about going back to my old psych nurse. She wasn't perfect. And I had to pay out of pocket. But I'm terrified to see this new free doctor, after I had a really bad experience with this clinic's psych nurse. She was really rude to me. I'm poor though. So we'll see.

I feel terrible in this moment. I've felt terrible all morning. I feel terrible every morning.

I don't really have any friends. I am in the process of cutting certain people out of my life who treat me badly and who I feel badly around and take advantage of me.

But honestly, I don't think anyone really cares about me. I think that if I killed myself, some people would not be surprised, and those same people would say "oh, she had issues."

All of this overwhelms me.

I felt like this yesterday too, and felt better after leaving a message for my therapist (maybe she does help a little?), going for a walk, and taking a bath.

I am on disability for mental health issues. I feel like this brings me more shame. I'm so sick of feeling ignored. And looked down on. and pitied. Like, "oh, it must be really bad if you're on disability for it. Glad I'm not like that. Oh excuse me, we can't be close friends now but I will like your posts on Facebook from afar."

My mom wants me to go to her sister's for easter with the rest of my family. But you know what? They're rude and downright mean people, and I'm not going. The fact that my mom tries to get me to go, is so selfish of her. She's not thinking of me. She just doesn't want her sister to be mad at her. Or feel alone herself. The thing is, if she doesn't like her sister, she shouldn't try to have a relationship with her but she does. When I had a breakdown in 2006 and was in the hospital, it spread through my family like wildfire, and they treated me differently after that. They ignored me. For years I felt like a freak at family parties. and they didn't care. They made me feel weird because they are weird. I can't handle them this year. i don't care that I have stood up to them and that things are better now. I hate them.

I try to be positive, and I feel like I'm putting like, 5x the effort in than the average person needs to in order to pick themselves up, and its not helping.

I think the main issue I'm having, is that I feel like I have no one to really talk to. And I feel like, I bother people. Because I do need to talk. A lot. Apparently that's a really bad thing.

Hi starrysky, I'm so sorry you're having such troubles these days. My first thought is that you might benefit from joining a support group. I don't know where you're located, but in the U.S. we have NAMI groups, which are free to everyone.

I'm sorry there's no one in your life to listen, right now.. if it can help, we'll always be here.

I am so sorry your mother can't be more supportive or at least not make you feel ignored, that is rough and I have a similar situation with my mom being unable to understand me about certain things. It does understandably make you feel extra lonely.

You shouldn't feel bad about needing to talk, it's normal to need support from more than just your therapist. Is there anywhere you could go to maybe meet some people? A support group, meetups, anything you might be able to attend?

Starrysky, I am so sorry you are feeling like this right now - you are a gentle soul who feels and thinks about things deeply, at least that is how your posts appear to me. I am sure there will be lots of people who would like your company - and I really relate to trying to reach out and make friends but struggling with that.

If you don't want to go to your aunts for Easter then I don't think you should feel obliged - you are an adult woman after all. Can you give a legitimate excuse why you can't attend, some other commitment maybe? Some times a white lie is okay if it's to keep the peace. Holidays certainly can be stressful that's for sure.

One thing that always impresses me about your posts is your positive attitude, you always push on and try new things, and I know that's not always easy - you are also very good about self-care - keep that up, it will help.

Lastly you can always 'talk' here and of course PM me anytime you like.

Stay away from family, they are worse off than than you. I think the thought of opening up and healing scares them. Keep having the courage to heal.

Dear everyone, thank you. Thank you so much for the support.

Short version of what happened after I posted this: I told my mom in an email how I felt. She read it while at work. I think she panicked a little. Later on she said she felt like she had wanted to come home. Her response was weird, and left me feeling like she still cared more about housework than me. But she also apologized, and said she cares and loves me, and she said she felt like she wasn't being clear. I was very clear that I'm not doing well, and wish more from her, but that I don't want to pressure her. She came home after work (I live with her). We talked for about 40 min. She admitted that she had not been doing what I needed to be supportive, and she said we should meet everyday for 30 min to talk. I love this idea. I felt better after talking to her. I said, how about 3x a week, because I was concerned that she might get worn out. She said how about every other day. So we will see. I do think my mom cares, but shows it in really weird ways sometimes, and I'm really glad she admitted that she felt like after talking to me, she wasn't being supportive, and that she wants to be. Ok, it's turning into the longer version, and there's more. But I'm really tired and don't feel up to posting about it. Thank you Thunder Bow and Prefab for the advice about family. Prefab, you are right that I am an adult and can do what I want. *Christmases* have been hard because my mom has them over to our house. I've been working on moving out for the past couple of years and I think I just need to work harder at it to be honest. I forget and then Christmas comes and I'm like oh ****. But since easter is not at home... Thunder Bow, that is like the best comment what you said. My family really is strange. I really don't like some of my extended family. They have hurt me so much and I think you are right about them.

I just want you all to know I have some things in place now kind of. There is a helpline that I am able to call and talk. i volunteer in their office, but I can still call there and really, don't know anyone (the helpline volunteers) there so its ok. I feel kind of weird about that, but I like volunteering there, so I'm going to continue.

I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about all my concerns, about depression, trauma, that I don't always feel I connect with her, and about my concern about seeing the psychiatrist there. I think she will be receptive.

I also want to say, I know I'm depressed, and I do have some social things I do. I don't know why thats not enough sometimes, but its not. Maybe I need a med change. Or a total life change lol. I don't know.

Thanks for the update, starrysky. It sounds like you have created a good support system for yourself, and that is so great! I agree about checking on your meds.