[troubled86]

Took my meds like I was supposed again this morning. I had to stop taking the topomax at the beginning of the pregnancy, but once he is here I can start it again. I'm not planning on breast feeding due to this. Right now, I am feeling excited because my baby boy is turning two today. He keeps me grounded and I am so thankful for him. This morning was my older sons meeting with his mobile therapist and TSS and it didn't go well. He was defiant and threw tearful tantrums. Looking at him as he acted this way just gets me so overwhelmed. At first I feel disappointed, then it leads to anger and I just want to run away. I have to remind myself that I know what it's like not to be able to control certain things, but that is so hard! I know what it's like to wake up in the morning and just feel angry when nothing has happened to make me feel that way. Why does the brain have to be so complex? Why couldn't I have born normal? I wish I smiled and looked forward to the day. I looked forward to today because of my youngest sons birthday. I looked forward to his reaction when he saw his decorations when he woke up and I still look forward to his joy from opening his gifts, pizza, cake and ice cream later on when guests arrive. A lot of mixed emotions today, but the excitement stands out the most. Yesterday I felt empty for the most part. I was also disappointed in myself because I didn't handle a situation as well as I should have. We live and we learn right? So many things send me on edge pretty much immediately. I hate that I can be happy and chill for one minute and the next I'm just unbearable to be around because I am just downright mean. I wish I could blame the pregnancy hormones, but unfortunately, I am like this when I'm not pregnant. Do I need more meds or what? I am utilizing every source I can to get help. Some things I'm afraid to tell my psychiatrist about what's going on in my mind because I'm afraid he will see me as unfit and take my kids or have me committed in a state hospital. To be perfectly clear, I DO NOT abuse any of my kids. There is just a darkness in my mind that I don't feel I can tell anyone about.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. You have a lot on your plate...2 young children and 1 on the way with one of your sons needing treatment. I think your changing emotions and the way you are feeling are normal. I just wanted to lend my support in case you need to talk. When you see your pdoc please be as honest as you can be so they can be most effective and provide you some relief. I've always been honest with mine while raising my daughter and shared some pretty dark things. I've never had her taken away or been put into the hospital. If you are this way when you're not pregnant then yes, I would think a med review after you give birth would be a good idea. Best wishes and I'm here if you need to talk. You're not alone. Hugs coming your way.