[JanusunaJ]

I have a weird way to express my emotions. Sometimes, it seems I'm inappropriately expressive and for the majority of other times, it's like they don't exist.

I think it stems from my childhood when I'd get in trouble for being too emotional. Admittedly, I had psychological collapses when I was very young as I'd become emotionally overwhelmed. And I got in trouble for it. I don't know if that is why I'm so emotionally "quiet" these days, that is until the dam breaks.

Years ago, I'd found myself stepping through the door to attaining a childhood dream. I was accepted at a pretty prestigious school for graduate school. The director of admissions called me and when I spoke with him, he seemed surprised that I wasn't excited. He even asked me why I wasn't more excited. I made up an answer.

More recently,

Possible trigger:

a friend died in a murder/suicide. But, at the time, I struggled to feel anything at all, which made me "feel" like absolute crap and like something was wrong with me. I was extremely depressed before his death and for quite a while after, but I still felt numb when he died.

I do remember being really upset when one of our mutual friends bailed on plans that she and I had made the following year to celebrate his life. We made those plans a month in advance; a few days prior to the day of our plan, I talked with her to confirm the dinner. She told me that she'd made other plans a couple of weeks ago. That's fine, but it's weird to me since we talked pretty much every day. Why couldn't she have told me that she'd made other plans? I was so upset with her, but when she told me that she'd made other plans, I just told her something of the lines of "oh, okay" and continued on as if it didn't bother me because I didn't want her to get angry or I didn't want to start an argument. A couple of months later, I was talking with one of our friends about it and they said something along the lines of her impromptu cancellation was fine and I was overreacting. I guess I was?? I wasn't yelling or anything, just stating that I was angry with her.

I suppose I have this feeling of being rejected, admonished, or criticized whenever I display the slightest bit of emotion. But, then maybe months or years later, something happens and I put forth a deluge of strongly and sometimes incoherently worded emails or texts regarding my inner struggle.

I guess I just don't know what emotions are okay to show to which friends because it seems to me that I can't "be myself." Now, this isn't on my friends, this is all on me, I know.

[Sunflower123]

My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. This is a pattern that you learned in childhood that is not serving you well now. I encourage you to see a therapist to label, acknowledge and feel all your emotions in an appropriate fashion. Good luck and best wishes.