[NickPMill]

Hello , I'm new to the forum. I came here looking to gain some knowledge on the things I am experiencing. I guess I'll give some insight on my living situations before I dive in to talking about my symptoms.

- Lived with grandparents my whole life
- Mother and father never around , never married , separated
- Physically and emotional abuse at younger ages
- Abandoned when I was 12 years old
- Bullied severely in school ages 13-14
- Diagnosed with anxiety and depression , prescribed medication ( the important one is Xanax )
- Ages 13-17 I self medicated ( abused ) Xanax by getting high quantities not legally

I'm now 17 , but have been clean from Xanax for about 4 months. I feel like my whole life has had a second side to it , like a mask I put on and off without controlling it. I control what I say , but I have a huge layer of lies that surround my real self in every situation. I feel no empathy , but I understand it. I used to be a complete empath , but now it's the opposite. I have a job , good work environment , I have quite a few friends , but I don't seem to enjoy any of it. I've isolated myself and I have the overwhelming sense of loneliness , but when I'm more social I feel like I'm faking all of my emotions. I experience short term emotions frustration, happiness , and anger for the most part , but they all seem to fade away within the hour. I feel like the mask I've put on has gone on for so long my brain thinks that these emotions are real , and it's to the point where I don't even try to fake them throughout the day , it just happens. I'm somewhat sexually active , but never feel real pleasure from it unless everything goes my way , which is barely ever. I'm not a narcissist though , I can go on perfectly fine without being the center of attention. I'm not interested in long term relationships unless it involves the idea of me completely owning and dominating my partner. I self harmed when I was 13-15 but stopped out of losing the pleasure in doing so. I never did it to try and kill myself , but for the feeling of pain. It got old to me and I just kind of dropped it. Being off Xanax hasn't made me change much personality wise. I feel about the same mentally as I did while I was on it, but it definitely helped with sleep and being less stressed throughout the day.

There are probably a lot of things I haven't put down and a lot of context I should've given , but I was just jotting down how I experience emotions and how I think. I'm not looking for someone to diagnose me over the internet , just some advice on how to not have a mask on all of the time.

Not exactly sure how this forum works , but if any of you have any advice , please comment / message me ( if this forum has a private messaging system ) and I'd be more than willing to talk about anything.

Have a great day.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC.