Vent of Emotional pain that became physical pain

With no time or place to express my emotions, they cause me physical pain. Realizing this, I think again and again, the phrase, “I have no mouth and I must scream.” I have to get negative feelings off my chest because I am in pain.

Vent: I’m afraid I’ll never shift away from discomfort. I see silver linings, perspective, and I’m grateful, but I am full of sorrow and anger. I try to accept things that feel bad. I need a mother, a father, a physician, a therapist, a higher power...yet I’ve lost them all. Even my best friends can’t commiserate now because they let their lives fall apart and must hunker down to save themselves. I think I’m going to be alright, because I am resilient and I do have love. But I’m not feeling good. I feel pain and grief.

My efforts do not satisfy me lately. I just feel trapped in obligation, and ashamed of what I lack. I’m fed up with petty stuff at work. I am FURIOUS that I feel like I’m walking on eggshells at work. I imagine cursing out the boss, or throwing petty snide and tacky comments back at the bosses. But, I’m trying to be positive and a bleeping professional instead. I feel like I’m being pushed into showing my claws and baring my teeth. I don’t want to risk that. The Office policies describe a positive, mutually respectful environment that is present and fostered in the company. Must be boilerplate language they fetched from the internet. I’ll try to stay positive and to be a straight shooter. One of these days though....I want to be treated like an adult and a valuable person. I don’t want to be nit picked or scapegoated. They’re like bad parents. And I’m no child.

I saw my mother in my dreams. She was wearing a royal blue sweater and she looked healthy and confident. She was thriving without me. I was lost and looking for my husband. She was buying plants.

Because I got a job, we make too much money now and lost my special cancer insurance. I have to pay 400 a month now, plus medication that isn’t all covered and is expensive, plus find a new oncologist. I lost my therapist too. I can’t afford to pay out of pocket for her, and I don’t want to find someone else in network even if I could afford them. I’m losing the very people who saved my life for a job that makes me anxious and susceptible. But, I need a job because it’s more money for us overall. I just don’t have my security blanket of healthcare and therapy anymore. I will need to pick and choose what I can afford..determine what I must do for treatment to fight recurrence. I feel like I’m being stripped bare, though I think that’s not the case.

I’m back to craving...I want to build something beautiful. I want to be cherished. I want clear airways and clean streams. I’m crying a lot while writing this, and I can feel my pain dissipating. I guess I’m grieving. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself or ungrateful, but I am feeling so stripped. I’ve lost and I’m losing all my mother figures. I’m not sure what the remedy is. I won’t go cold. I’ll just stand around metaphorically hugging myself and crying out to strangers for comfort as I’m suffering through growing pains.

Aoo' you are suffering from growing pains. In your dream, your mother represents You, in a royal blue sweater looking healthy and confident. You were buying new things to grow. Just keep on growing, and you will do well.

Thank you. I agree that my mother represents me in the dream. It felt that way.

I understand about fit to be tied....I am right now! The pressure , the trying, the feeling overwhelmed...here in my home and even with family not here....the trying to please and yet constant challenging situations......way too much!

More mega venting... I couldn’t expext anyone would read

My boss rolled his eyes at me yesterday. He was moody in general. Lately, he can act like a punk; he is clearly stressed and tense. This morning, he approached my desk quickly, and said he was sorry that he acted frustrated with me yesterday. He said it’s because he WAS frustrated with me, but that he shouldn’t show it, because that’s not professional.
It felt like a sucker punch. Though I guess he thought he was berating himself? Or was he being defensive? Passive aggressive? Thinking out loud? Thoughtless? I don’t get it.
Then he goes on to say that he just doesn’t understand how I make certain mistakes. But that he doesn’t expect me to be perfect, that we’re human and he can’t expect me to never make mistakes. It felt like a bad dream.

He is six feet tall, and stands over me as he says this, while I’m sitting at my desk. He’s in my bubble. It’s uncomfortable. I can’t say anything during this weird speech, because I don’t want to make things worse. He’s chastising me, and the only reaction I want to make is to puff up and tell him to back off. Can’t do that, so I eventually lower my eyes as he shames me. He walks away and I felt tears welling up. Went to bathroom and cried on the toilet. Went back in after a few minutes. He comes by again...says “oh by the way...that Christmas garland right there that I put it on your desk...it fell down. Please tape it back up when you have the time.” (The bosses decorated the office).

Five minutes later, the phone rings. I answer the phones at work, so I start to pick up the receiver, when I notice the caller ID shows that the call is coming from our second phone line. It’s the boss mistakenly calling us instead of a client. He says “oh! Um I picked the wrong number... um” and hangs up. I thought...huh...HOW did he do that? Hmmmm....how DID he make that mistake? I don’t understand how he makes mistakes (often). I’m glad that happened, to remind him that he is not perfect either...sometimes people make stupid mistakes when they’re flustered. Go figure. Likely the irony was lost on him.

I don’t respond well to this type of smug. I have to remind myself that I’m not a hopeless idiot after he made me feel like one. I once had a boyfriend that would say, “I don’t make you feel. You make you feel.” I can hear it in my head, that I’m blaming my boss for making me cry, when really I just made myself cry. I’m telling myself that my boss is stressed and projecting, or that he is trying to train me in his own way to be the best assistant in The whole wide world...or he’s desperately afraid of ruin, and thinks my mistake would crumple his biz...Or that he is defensive of his own performance.

I want to keep growing professionally in this field, and I do believe I am getting a crash course. But man I would love to tell my boss to eff off sometimes. They are having severe growing pains I guess, growing their business and balancing their partnership. They can’t seem to keep people working for them. My spite is getting unbearable for me. I want to be in a positive mind frame.

I’m really worried that I’ll become unstable from the stress of someone criticizing the smallest things I do. I don’t like being treated like I’m a child.

I’m losing my counselor.

I’m feeling quite vulnerable and I just need to feel some confidence and appreciation. Then I think, it’s not my bosses job to...do anything for me...it’s my job to make their life easier. I think I should be using my time at home to organize every aspect of my job into a comprehensive fool proof list. But that’s not what happens..I cook, clean, care for my family, and struggle to sleep instead.

I do want to be perfect so I can escape and avoid more ridicule. It’s triggering and brings up parental issues for me.. and then I think eff my parents for being so...abusive and damaging. I don’t want to go cold. I don’t want to be ungrateful, or hateful, or prideful. I can’t tell if there’s something wrong with me, or nothing wrong with me.

I know what I need, but I understand no one is entitled to it...I need warmth and safety.

Sounds like you're under a lot of stress. I feel bad for you. It can be hard to stand up to abusive people. Especially when it's a boss or supervisor or older person who throws there weight around.

Thank you. Today was better. My boss still seemed annoyed in general, but at least today I made little to no errors, so he didn’t have much criticizing of me to do. I think his frustration is money related, and he could be resentful for paying employees. I’ll just earn my keep and keep the target off my back. I’ll get as much experience as I can from this job, then down the road I’ll look for a different job.

I appreciate the

Good idea.