Someone very kindly told me I have become more resilient.

I have been resilient all along. I don't know why showing more hesitance in the past means I was not resilient. Maybe I was young and didn't have as good of a polish. But I kept trying, and it is only due to that early resilience that I don't always show hesitance now. Maybe my social skills--and I was alone my entire life--had not been polished enough to hide hesitation.

I have ALWAYS been resilient, I got through whatever I had to get through. Whatever failings I continue to have are my own fault, I understand, but I am trying. No one can say I was weak, ever.

But they have a point. I am supposed to be better than this. I am supposed to know how to show the right amount of enthusiasm so people don't think I'm ungrateful or hesitating.

I'm not normal. I am just like my father. Useless, angry, antisocial, and too prideful to be anything other than a waste.

I have no idea why I'm like this. Why I turned out like this. I should be excellent. There should be no room for personal weakness, error, and failings. I'm just weak and need to grow up. I should be better. There is no time to take a break! I shouldn't need one. Yet all I want to do is find someone safe to come home to, and throw away all ambition for safety. Because I am scared of everything. Because I think everything has been too much for me, when it hasn't been that much at all. I have failed to make myself strong.

This isn't going to make much sense, but as far as I'm concerned, this is my online life, my only crutch, and I don't have to explain myself. I don't really care what you all think of me. This is my space to vent.

I hate people and how they try to contain you with words. Saying I'm an introvert.

That sounds innocuous, but what is their definition of "introvert"? Ffs! I can't work a room? I can't do this and that? I don't like this or that?

Like royalty, I don't need labels or a last name. I am simply me. And naturally, I'm better than everyone else. Anyway, I refuse to use my father's last name, or my mothers.

If I am overly entitled, that is because I was raised to be. If I'm meek and undignified, that is because I was raised to be.

I'm spoiled, I'm a brat, I don't deserve love. I'm the only one who can love myself.

Frankly, I am too depressed to continue. It will always be like this. I am too prideful to submit myself to how healing everyone says love is. I am not capable of it, anyway. I want to destroy people the way I was destroyed. It's all an exercise to me.

I have had no traumas or misfortunes. Everything about me is my own fault. I am simply a very destructive, ungrateful, antisocial person.