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So I have been really down on myself lately due to some terrible conflicts that occurred at my previous employer and now between myself and a consultant I'm supposed to be collaborating with.

I had begun to think I was failure or a terrible person to work with and that all I do is have these confrontations...someone had even chastised me trying to put all these problems on me, like I was the cause.

But I did some fact-checking to look at the whole picture. And the picture isn't as negative or faulty as I thought I have held down most of my jobs for multiple years, and successfully built great working relationships and even friendships with co-workers. My performance reviews are typically very positive, and I'm often praised and congratulated for the work I do. Only in my last two full-time jobs have I had any real conflict. At the first job, I became senior staff, which brings with it a great deal more responsibility and managing people, which means there will be conflict. But the conflict did not become hostile or confrontational, and it was able to be resolved.

In the last job, there was a lot of confrontation, but i also have to look at the kind of work environment that was encouraged there. That people were encouraged to back-stab and throw people under the bus. The CEO was having affairs with young women and giving them favors and promotions because of his sexual relationships with them. And there were a whole host of other problems, including the finances being in complete disarray, ongoing discrimination against people of color, people over age 40, the disabled, women...it goes on and on...So, yes, I had a hard time being there, but it was also a toxic environment and toxic environments (that also break the law) will promote confrontation. Certainly I see instances where I could have protected myself by behaving differently; I'm not flawless or perfect by any means, but I'm also not going to beat myself up for trying to survive in a survival mode environment.

Recently, I have been having some communication issues with another consultant that I collaborate with for a client. I work for the client, to be clear, but I have to work with this other consultant as part of the contract. After numerous harmless email interchanges with this consultant in which she has become passive aggressive or outright hostile for no good reason, it's dawning on me that she is very insecure, maybe threatened by me, I'm not sure.

I don't know if the recent issues with the employer and the consultant are the result of living in Southern US city and dealing with the conservativism and cultural biases.

But I had thought the problem was me, because growing up, my parents blamed me for everything. I was responsible for all their emotions. If they were angry, if they were sad, it was my responsibility to fix it. Well, it is not my responsibility to fix this woman's insecurity for her. I refuse to. Acknowledging that she has some insecurity or issue with me helps me figure out the best way to communicate with her to protect myself, but I realize, I'm not doing anything wrong. I've been successfully raising money for this client. So far nothing she has done has produced any results.

I'm not going to let two negative experiences color my view of my work ability or my likability. I have plenty of clients who love working with me and find that I make the process so easy for them. Why do I discount all the praise and kudos I've gotten for doing good work over my career because of one totally toxic employer and one insecure, bizarro consultant? I'm sure the people I look up to who mentor me, in fact I KNOW, that they have had far more bad experiences than just two. I don't think they let it affect their opinion of themselves and make them think that they are bad people or bad at what they do or failures because of a few negative work experiences.

But that's the problem with anxiety...it robs us of our self confidence and self esteem. It makes us doubt, even when history and the evidence say otherwise.

I'm not sure I'm looking for any advice. But writing this has helped me overcome these negative thoughts and emotions.

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