annoyed and anxious

I posted on FB about a speaker that's coming to my school for commencement, because frankly she is cool AF. And then one of my high school friends commented, "is this going to be your graduation?"

and it just makes me remember how I have to gather myself up to not be self conscious about not having had my graduation photos up on FB the same time the rest of my class were.

yes, it's my fault that I couldn't learn to deal with my depression in a productive way without f'ing everything up first, and therefore didn't graduate on time. but it's unnerving that one of my high school friends was actually looking for my graduation photos and remembering that they weren't there, and then following up on it.

guess the problem is that we both, as underdogs in that high school, have a little pathology about school and status. she wanted to go to my college but it didn't work out (and frankly, I celebrated that because I didn't want to have to awkwardly avoid her). so maybe this reflects just as badly on me, but I feel like she's looking for ways to express her jealousy by knocking me down a bit.

I liked her comment, but didn't respond. I tried not to make the post about my failings, only about the cool commencement speaker. I guess I will remain a mystery to her, because I'm not going to be attending any commencement whatsoever for this degree. That's a bit funny to me. Life goes on and so have I. I'm sure she's doing very well for herself, she is smart and has inherited life knowledge from her mother, but I just wish she wouldn't drag me into her feelings like that.

Unrelated, but I'm finding that some anxiety won't go away. I did a lot of things to try to get rid of it--I went for a run, I took a shower, I ate, I went for a walk, I tried to work--but I just can't calm down and do what I was planning to do tonight.

I'm finding that I can't process some new events and I am very annoyed at this and how anxious it's making me. I really want to self injure because it would help me process.

Perhaps a new gameplan would help. I dislike it when my plans change.

I am not confident in the direction my career is heading, that is, I don't have one in mind. I'm just applying around to places that sound cool. I'm really worried that I'm not putting in the work to see which subfield would be best for me in the long run, financially and within the industry. I have a lot of naivety about things.

Maybe I should just try to sleep and start over tomorrow. I'm now anxious over having wasted the day over this anxiety.