Do you feel your negative emotions are ok around others (still feel good enough)?

Hi,

I am a 38 year old Norwegian man who can feel pretty great around others when feeling energetic, or when I challenge my fears socially and get a high from it, and can "give" this positive energy to others, but when I have negative emotions (sad, tired, etc), I feel worthless around others.
As if having needs of my own makes me worthless/needy.

My question is: If you don't feel this way, how do you view your negative emotions around others? How do you still feel as worthy with them as when you are happy?

I can highlight some more elements in this, but any answer to the above question alone will help me a lot:

• Generally don't feel good enough, less than others
• Don't feel that my needs are as important as others'
• Withdraw from people when having neg. feelings - "nobody wants to know of me then"
• I can get nice glances from girls, but if I were to approach them, I am too afraid they'll see I'm needy and reject me "when they find me out"
• Normally I have a method, some cognitive idea to follow trying make it work anyway
  • e.g. "If I have social momentum, have a high social state, then they will like me", or
  • "If I show vulnerability, then they will like me".
  Following a concept like this gives a feeling of control, as opposed to approaching someone without knowing what I am doing,
  being totally exposed (I guess, actually vulnerable).
• If I am dating someone I really like, I may look for confirmation that it's too good to be true, they don't really like me and push them away, to my great frustration/sadness right after.

This is how I feel when I am going through a period of depression.

Good habits, joyful experiences and people that care help me come out of my depression, when I feel good about myself and have noticed people enjoy my company a lot more. Happiness is attractive.

My good habits are: Exercise, sunshine, favorite foods like coffee/chocolate, eating healthy (if I overeat then compensate by skipping a meal or eating lighter the next day), a hot bath everyday, have goals and accomplish something that furthers your goals everyday, take time everyday to plan and reflect, get up early and go to bed early, be grateful for things everyday--the first thing in the morning--I am so grateful for my coffee, shelter and all the conveniences I have (mankind has not had washing machines, computers, AC, etc. that long!!), hug a lot, smile a lot!!!!

It seems like you suffer from self-esteem problems. Do you see a therapist?

You are an articulate and intelligent man as shown through your writing skills. I imagine this translates to the same when you socialise. Perhaps you don't realise this. This is a great deal going for you.

You are definitely not alone; in fact, what you describe I think many people experience. I am good enough? Will I be accepted? Gee, my life is run by such thoughts.But I plod my way forward wearing a mask of confidence. Perhaps this isn't the best thing to do as it just covers up what I am truly feeling but it does get me through the day and awkward situations.

CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) has helped with this. It may be helpful for you. The problem - my problem - is that you need to keep up with it everyday. I do it for a while, my life improves, I slack off, then realise things are difficult again. I start it up, do it for a while, and etc. So while CBT is a great thing, it is only as good a solution as the commitment you make towards it.

CBT teaches us there are a number of thinking styles that get in the way. Once we recognise those that affect and trouble us the most then we can apply learned skills to combating the thinking. We can't erase the negative thoughts but we can cope by stressing to ourselves alternate more positive thoughts.

For example, I think you and I both have a tendancy to 'negate the positive'. We put aside all the positive things we are/do and concentrate or obsess on what we interpret as not being good. The solution is to consider in what way such thinking is actually an advantage to us. What then actually is and how can we recognise this, etc.