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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,331
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#1
I was wondering if any others who have been “conditioned” (and forced ) to be people pleasers irl have been tragically misunderstood and mislabelled. (irl) I was reading some stuff in the DSM... yesterday and wish I hadn’t
I don’t have meds to numb the pain. (allergies) And that too, is “my fault” I apologize for the “whine” Respect to all __________________ |
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2019
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#2
My circumstances made me a people pleaser.I think I developed it as a coping and surviving skill. It was the only way for me to make my self visible or gain attention. People asked me favours,I did chores for parents siblings ,relatives,or else I didn't exist. It's pathological but I had to.It became my second nature.
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Buffy01, LilyMop, MickeyCheeky
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,331
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21 81.2k hugs
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#3
I suppose it is a coping strategy . That isn’t really how I think of it though. it invites more abuse . I suppose being a “people pleaser” in childhood is why I am still alive
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LilyMop, Mendingmysoul
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#4
Yes,of course. It attracts more abuse.The people who are enjoying the favours actually disrespect you or demand more favours once they know you are a people pleaser. Once I was sick and could not stay alone.I asked one of my uncle who took a lot of my favours if I could stay with them for a couple of days.He said sure,come over.I went there anticipating rest and a little attention. My aunt bought groceries and asked me to prepare meal for a family of five from scratch. Chopping salads,entry ,main course and desert.She said she was excited that I visited and wanted me to stay for at least one week,so that they will be able to enjoy all the recipes,I can cook expertly. She bought all the necessary ingredients and had a big menu planned for each day for one week.Everyone in my family knows I am a good cook.I had to comeback home the next day.I felt so sick and tired.When I said I would like to go home,my uncle was very upset and pleaded me to stay because my aunt put an effort to buy groceries. If I didn't cook it's waste of their money as well as energy.I returned home anyway because I needed to rest.
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LilyMop
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: UK
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#5
I'm not and never have been a 'people pleaser'; I tell it how it is, but at least being kind about it. It's just that I refuse to pander to other peoples' whims. To do so would be a false statement to my core beliefs. I am what I am, but love helping others see the direction they are going in and gently steer them onto a safer path. What they do with that advice, of course, is up to them.
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LilyMop
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Magnate
Member Since Jan 2013
Location: Midwest
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#6
I am a people pleaser, this is helping me understand myself better. I don't like rocking the boat, I'm not a fighter even for myself. I asked to return to DBT therapy because it does help me stand up for myself better. I restart on Monday.
__________________ Son: 14, 12/15/2009 R.I.P. Daughter: 20 Diagnosis: Bipolar with Psychosis. Latuda 100 mgs. |
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bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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bpcyclist
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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
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#7
Very interesting topic. I was most certainly a people pleaser through college. Still kind of coming into my own persona and identity. Once I sort of settled on a career path, that stuff sort of fell to the side. I realized I was, in fact, quite good at something and I damn well didn't need anyone else's approval to know that--I just knew.
There is a fine line between being solicitous and kind and generous on the one hand and obsequious on the other. I do think for some people, it is difficult to know how to traverse that line. Oh, man, Fuzzy-- I try really hard not to look in the DSM5. I'm afraid I will give myself another illness!! __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Fuzzybear
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Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
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#8
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Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,533
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6 9,711 hugs
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#9
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Mendingmysoul
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#10
No I don’t consider myself a people pleaser. I used to be when I started my job 2 years ago. I’d say yes to everything they asked. Now I’m the complete opposite and I have no problem saying no. There’s this one coworker I do stuff for just because he’s an incompetent jerk who doesn’t understand anything and I hate talking to people so I just help him out. But yeah I can say no to family gatherings and basically everything. I just say I’m sorry I can’t make it.
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#11
I'm a podcast addict and this podcast from the UK, hosted by an Irish gal Caroline Foran is awesome. It's called Owning It: The Anxiety Podcast. She did an episode about people pleasing. Here's a quote from her website that describes the episode. You don't have to have Apple iTunes to hear it either. You can listen to it on multiple online streaming platforms like Stitcher etc.
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
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#12
I was conditioned by my family and by all of society to be a people pleaser. I came of age in the 70's and everyone knew that a "nice" and well-bred young woman always, always put others (especially men) first. Oh, how well I excelled at being a people pleaser!
Now at almost 57 I'm going to therapy twice a week to learn how to be cared for by someone else, and to care for myself. __________________ |
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Mendingmysoul
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