I have been receiving a lot of negative input lately, from different directions... from friends and from work.

I was insulted at work by a colleague, in front of other colleagues. A close gf of mine talked down to me the other day on the phone, repeating to me "do you understand?" as though I am a 5 year-old. Then a new gf told me and my fiance, just before we're getting married "I hope it works out".

I feel flooded by negative input and need to emotionally distance myself from all of it.

How does one accomplish that exactly?

Right now, I am totally sick of people and don't even want to be around anyone. I want to hole up by myself in response.

But I still have to work, and we're going out this weekend, so I will see friends.

But honestly? I don't want to see a single person.

[TishaBuv]

I’m working on the same issue, trying to not let others negativity put me into a bad mood.

I’ll try to take a deep breath, step back, not confront, and try to put it out of my mind. It’s their problem, not yours.

Thanks, Tisha! I actually DID confront the one woman on her comment to me and my fiance. I wrote about it in the relationship forum. That helped me a little bit. I wasn't going to let it slide. But yeah, typically, I will allow negative input from others to eat me up inside for days on end. I don't want to do that right now. I want to learn how to distance myself from it and not allow it to effect me so much.

[TishaBuv]

I let it eat me up inside, too! We gotta stop this!

I saw your other thread. People tend to say such thoughtless things. It’s a reflection of what is in them, not of you.

Omg, they do!!!!!! Yes, so how do we stop it? I's easy to distract oneself, but for me, the thoughts & bad feelings inevitably come back. We need a method!!!! lol. Hmm... so how do you stop yourself from feeling bad from negative input from others? The million dollar question of the day!

[TishaBuv]

Radical acceptance. People are what they are. They say and do hurtful things. If we have nothing to do with them, we are lonely and isolated and very unhappy. If we have enough to do with them that we feel connected, we need to protect and control ourselves to not fall into their crap.

I don't know about that. I don't accept the unacceptable. When people do and say unacceptable things, I cannot just radically accept it.

[sarahsweets]

I agree with @Trishabuv. Radical acceptance helps me. Its really hard not to let people who say nasty things to us to let it go. Part of what helps me is to acknowledge to myself that there is no truth to what has been said. I seriously think about it too. I think about if there is anything I did to encourage such unsolicited advice and usually there isn't anything. One attitude I have adjusted which is really freeing is...a I'll try to be PG here but its the F**k off attitude. If someone has an opinion about me or says something to me they can go f**k themselves. I am not saying that telling them that is the best choice(although I admit I have said it to someone before and the shock value is priceless) but its very freeing. Even said to yourself is freeing. Seriously, who asked for the comments? Who are they to say crap to me (especially if they need to take their own advice)? I find that some people say to me what they do not like or fear in themselves. Isn't it easier to criticize people then turn the lens inwards sometimes? I am very flawed and far from perfect but in no way am I going to give someone else's useless, baseless, stupid,ignorant, insignificant, unhelpful, nasty, any power in my life. Easier said then done of course. You got this girl!

[TishaBuv]

But, I have found they all do, somewhat. Even my kindest friends have uttered something not so thoughtful one time, maybe.

Definitely eliminate people who are often too negative though. That’s self protection.

[TishaBuv]

“people say to me what they do not like or fear in themselves.” True! And what makes us reel over the comment is that is is somewhat true about us and we start obsessing over them getting under our thin skin.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I don't know about that. I don't accept the unacceptable. When people do and say unacceptable things, I cannot just radically accept it.

“Radical acceptance” doesn’t mean you accept or allow bad behavior. You accept the fact that this person is a mess, it can’t be changed, they are who they are and you just not going to be influenced by them. Their opinion doesn’t matter

You distance yourself (emotionally or physically) or break up or stop friendship or whatever you need to do but you get them out of your head. You don’t spend your life ruminating why they they say this or that. Accept that you can’t control them. You can only control yourself. Radical acceptance isn’t being a doormat. It’s a bit opposite actually.

[divine1966]

Don’t place importance on people’s opinions. Especially people who aren’t particularly that important. Why does it matter what some new so called friend says or a colleague?

Could it be related to confidence and self esteem issue. Usually when you feel confident, other people’s opinion don’t mean as much. Do you talk to your therapist about it?

[TishaBuv]

Take your friend’s comment, “I hope it works out.” It was a rude comment. It was motivated by her prior experiences or by her jealousy. It certainly had nothing to do with you, in this case. It means nothing at all.

If I had much good connection with this friend, I may have overlooked stupid comment. Maybe I am a bit of a doormat. IME, more people have made similar faux pas, and I can’t just dump everybody. But, her making such a comment, is probably an indication that she is not a good friend. So way to go trusting your gut there.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, golden_eve! I completely agree with what all the other great, wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots og reat, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you possibly can if you want to! I completely agree with ALL of you when you say that we can't change other people but we CAN change ourselves! It's hard not to let people hurt ourselves with what they do or say, but we have to keep fighting and to try your best! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! Try not to pay ANY attention to their comments if they hurt you! Most importantly, try to surround yourself ONLY with people who truly love you and respect you for who you truly are! Of course even our closest friends and family members can make some mistakes, but if they truly love us I'm sure they'll apologize whenever that happens! Please try to get away from toxic people in your life! Life is too short and there's no place for them in our lives! It's just self-preservation after all! You need and deserve to take care of yourself first and to surround yourself with people that will truly accept you and truly love you for who you truly are! Life is precious and we DO need to use it as well as we ALL can! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I feel like that's VERY important! Sending many hugs to you, golden_eve!

Thank you all. I really appreciate your replies and support!

It does not have to do with a lack of confidence or self esteem on my part. It has to do with being very sensitive to negative comments and mistreatment.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I agree with @Trishabuv. Radical acceptance helps me. Its really hard not to let people who say nasty things to us to let it go. Part of what helps me is to acknowledge to myself that there is no truth to what has been said. I seriously think about it too. I think about if there is anything I did to encourage such unsolicited advice and usually there isn't anything. One attitude I have adjusted which is really freeing is...a I'll try to be PG here but its the F**k off attitude. If someone has an opinion about me or says something to me they can go f**k themselves. I am not saying that telling them that is the best choice(although I admit I have said it to someone before and the shock value is priceless) but its very freeing. Even said to yourself is freeing. Seriously, who asked for the comments? Who are they to say crap to me (especially if they need to take their own advice)? I find that some people say to me what they do not like or fear in themselves. Isn't it easier to criticize people then turn the lens inwards sometimes? I am very flawed and far from perfect but in no way am I going to give someone else's useless, baseless, stupid,ignorant, insignificant, unhelpful, nasty, any power in my life. Easier said then done of course. You got this girl!

Thank you for this!

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, golden_eve! I completely agree with what all the other great, wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots og reat, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you possibly can if you want to! I completely agree with ALL of you when you say that we can't change other people but we CAN change ourselves! It's hard not to let people hurt ourselves with what they do or say, but we have to keep fighting and to try your best! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! Try not to pay ANY attention to their comments if they hurt you! Most importantly, try to surround yourself ONLY with people who truly love you and respect you for who you truly are! Of course even our closest friends and family members can make some mistakes, but if they truly love us I'm sure they'll apologize whenever that happens! Please try to get away from toxic people in your life! Life is too short and there's no place for them in our lives! It's just self-preservation after all! You need and deserve to take care of yourself first and to surround yourself with people that will truly accept you and truly love you for who you truly are! Life is precious and we DO need to use it as well as we ALL can! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I feel like that's VERY important! Sending many hugs to you, golden_eve!

Thank you, Mickey!!

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Take your friend’s comment, “I hope it works out.” It was a rude comment. It was motivated by her prior experiences or by her jealousy. It certainly had nothing to do with you, in this case. It means nothing at all.

If I had much good connection with this friend, I may have overlooked stupid comment. Maybe I am a bit of a doormat. IME, more people have made similar faux pas, and I can’t just dump everybody. But, her making such a comment, is probably an indication that she is not a good friend. So way to go trusting your gut there.

I agree!!! She’s definitely not a good friend!

I figured out something, with all of your help with this.

People’s crappy treatment and/or comments says everything about them and nothing about me. I don’t need to internalize THEIR crap. It’s on them to own, not me. I push it back on them.. why were you disrespectful? Because you’re probably feeling crappy about your own self esteem and life. So don’t put that crap on me. Own it yourself. You feel like crap and you’re trying to bring ME down with u. Well I’m not going to let that happen. People need to own their own crappy feelings and not project them.

[Fuzzybear]

The friend who said “I hope it works out” does sound like a rude comment to me also .... was she having a bad day? How to distance from the negative, a very good question. If they are repeatedly negative and rude, they aren’t a friend ... their opinion which they spout out is about them and their insecurities. Could it be this friend is jealous. I don’t know

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

The friend who said “I hope it works out” does sound like a rude comment to me also .... was she having a bad day? How to distance from the negative, a very good question. If they are repeatedly negative and rude, they aren’t a friend ... their opinion which they spout out is about them and their insecurities. Could it be this friend is jealous. I don’t know

Thanks Fuzzy! I think it could be jealousy and/or bad experiences with relationships or marriage. Totally a rude comment! But it’s for her to own and for me not to internalize. She clearly is struggling with something that’s not making her happy.

So, to elaborate further:

My friend who talked down to me on the phone? Who kept saying to me "do you understand?" as though I have no comprehension of anything?? She doesn't feel she has any power or voice at work, so she is trying to have power over me by talking down to me, as though I am 5 and know nothing of the world and how it works. She has done this for ages. She is loud and has a strong presence in a room. She likes to be heard and needs to feel important. So that's her way of feeling important. Well, if she feels crappy about not having any voice or power at work, and if she doesn't feel empowered in her life, then fix it somehow, but don't treat me like I'm a 5 year old. And I don't need to feel small as a result of how she talked to me. It's HER crap coming out in a way that was condescending towards me. I won't be talking to her for a long time, that's for sure. I've even pointed this out to her in the past, mind you.

And my co-worker who insulted me at work in front of my two colleagues? Same thing. And the woman who said "I hope it works out"? Same thing.

It's all their crap coming out and onto ME.

And the thing is? People do this all the time. I don't point fingers and I'm not throwing stones because I could be guilty of it myself at times without even knowing it. But there are certain things I just would never say to someone, such as "I hope it works out" JUST before someone's getting married. That was a really crappy thing to say. I now think that woman is a total A-hole and NOT the nice person I thought she was.

Ok, I'm now done with being on my soap box. lol. Rant rant rant. lol!