[simu62]

at the very beginning - i'm 17 years old male and english isn't my native language so i'm sorry if i made any mistakes.

since november 2015 to december 2016 i had the best year of my life and since then i don't feel like i'm alive anymore. basically i created myself from a scratch back then - i chose the way i want to act, my priorities and i made 2 new friends while cutting all the friendships i had before. i was fit, the best student in my school and i was able to FEEL. everything in my life seem new and i saw life in general as a wonderful adventure with a huge amount of possibilities. i had hobbies and i was always doing something, i loved science and learning. but at the same time i was battling some kind of eating disorder - i was really afraid of unhealthy foods and i was "adddicted" to exercising (i was exercising at least for 3 hours a day but during summer it was sometimes more that 5 hours...).
after december 2016 i gained a lof of weight, almost 20kgs. i was still slim because before weight gain i was definitely too skinny but even though when i got bigger i felt disgusting. since then i stopped living. for most days i was just laying in bed and watching tv series, occasionally going to school. i barely passed that year. from the best in school i became the worst in my class. i changed my behaviour, lost those 2 friendships because i was too tired to keep them. basically i stopped existing. i was just laying in my bed eating untill september 2018 came. i went to a new school (learing system in my country is a bit different), started taking antidepressants. i stopped self harming and drinking, i really wanted to move on with my life and start a new chapter but it seems impossible. I CAN'T STOP MISSING THE PAST. my biggest wish is just to time travel and go through the best year of my life again. i miss those 2 people so bad, honestly the best friendships in my life and no one even is half good as them. i don't feel like myself, i'm a whole different person. i don't study well anymore, i just don't see a point. i don't have a single person to talk to. i'm just constantly missing the past, reading old messages, listening to old songs, going through the memories in my head. i know it's impossible to recreate it but that's all my heart wants. my head says i need to start the new chapter but i can't.
the worst thing is that i don't feel anything. every single moment is so dull like i'm always behing some curtain. i'm not depressed anymore for sure. i'm just so empty... life seems so shallow, people seem shallow. everything lacks the deph that i saw before. i don't have any hobbies, plans, dreams. i don't have anything to do in my free time. each month reminds me of the same month in the november2015-december2016 peroid and i just try to feel like it's not 2019 but the time before to go through the memories in my head of the things i used to do at the same time a few years ago.
at the time i don't have the possibility to go to the therapy because i'm underage and my parents don't approve it. i'm losing years of my life and i feel so helpless.... i changed so much and i hate it....

[Skeezyks]

Hello simu: Thanks for sharing your concern. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. Since you're in school the School & Study Issues forum, here on PC, may be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/school-and-study-issues/

You wrote in your post you're not depressed. However everything you wrote sure sounds like depression to me. It's so unfortunate you can't see a therapist. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support for you though.

Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Teen Depression Symptoms

8 Tips for Teenage Depression

Techniques for Teens: How to Cope with Your Emotions

Teens: Coping with Being Unwanted, Unloved and Unhappy

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...-what-to-do-2/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sext-...eling-nothing/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Open Eyes]

Hi sumu, welcome to Psych Central. It's important that you understand that the age you are talking about is when boys change dramatically and can go through some gaulky stages while their bodies change a lot from the horomones that are taking over that bring about manhood. Also, your brain is still developing as well, won't totally mature until you are around age 25. Horomones can change how a young male feels until their horomones begin to level off. Yes, you are changing but this doesn't mean you are failing at life etc.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're going through ALL OF THIS and that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY! I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH WHAT THE WISE AND WONDERFUL SKEEZYKS AND OPEN EYES HAVE ALREADY KINDLY, GLADLY, WISELY, BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! I can deeply relate, @simu62. I, too, long for the past that I will never have again! So yes, I COMPLETELY understand what you mean! Since yo're saying that your parents won't let you see a therapist on your own, is it possible for you to see a School Counselor? I feel like that may REALLY help you! If you can't do that either, are there ANY family members that may help you out with this? Any friends? Perhaps your teachers at school? ANYONE in your Life? Please do try to seek help from WHOEVER CAN HELP AND FROM WHOEVER YOU DO TRUST! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to! I am SURE plenty of others will also KINDLY, GLADLT, WISELY, BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY help you out as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @simu62, your family, your friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're going through ALL OF THIS and that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!