[lady411]

I knocked on the restroom door to tell him my stepdaughter (SR) wasn’t listening to me about going to bed. But as soon as his 10yo daughter (SR) hears him yell back “what the ****!” She runs for the hills and goes to her room. Unfortunately our 2yo and 10 month old cannot avoid the yelling.

It started off as a very pleasant family night. We had dinner. Kids got ready for bed. I did the usual nightly prayer with my 9yo daughter. My husband told SR she could eat in her room (favoritism) while he went to the restroom which is a no no for me so I told her I’d accompany her in the kitchen so she could finish eating there. Afterwards she didn’t want to go back to bed. So when I went to tell him he just let loose his anger and frustration out on me. Yelling his usual obscenities. I don’t coward and cry about his verbal abuse anymore. I either respond with the same intensity (if the kids aren’t around, which is rare) OR I try to remain calm and respond with firmness in what I believe in.

About 13 months ago we had what I might say one of the worst fights and in all the aftermath I made a decision that I would not be a victim (even tho at times I still feel like one). Since then I might go as far as to say that our “marriage” relationship has improved. But I can’t help to think that the fire in this steaming pot was only lowered so as to not boil over. Without therapy, if things remain the same I fear that it’s only a matter of time before the lid flies off and all hell breaks loose.

[GordenLing]

Hello lady411,

It sounds like a pretty rough situation. I am sorry to hear you are going through all this. You sound like a pretty self-aware person so I commend you for this. You're point about seeing where the future is heading without a therapist is very insightful too.

It sounds like there is a lot of tension and without a change in course it is possible the relationship will only go further downhill. As you stated, going to a therapist would be one way to try to change things up.

Just a thought, have you ever sat down to discuss these concerns with your husband? Pride and honor plays a very big role for many men. A private conversation between you two may really help the situation. Verbal abuse can many times be a way for men to act out due to subconscious power struggles. He may not mean to hurt you emotionally, just establish some control.

You mentioned you both disagree on certain parenting strategies. This seems to come out and affect you both - but also your kids. Kids need to see consistency between their parents as a whole and consciously or subconsciously I believe you both know that. A serious discussion over a nice night out or even at home can go a long way to help create some compromises between you two.

While these ideas are definitely not a quick fix to the overall issue they can definitely help. You both have a long process ahead of you to repair the relationship but if you both try to work on it the benefits will start to show pretty fast.

All the best,
GordenLing

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by lady411

I knocked on the restroom door to tell him my stepdaughter (SR) wasn’t listening to me about going to bed. But as soon as his 10yo daughter (SR) hears him yell back “what the ****!” She runs for the hills and goes to her room. Unfortunately our 2yo and 10 month old cannot avoid the yelling.

It started off as a very pleasant family night. We had dinner. Kids got ready for bed. I did the usual nightly prayer with my 9yo daughter. My husband told SR she could eat in her room (favoritism) while he went to the restroom which is a no no for me so I told her I’d accompany her in the kitchen so she could finish eating there. Afterwards she didn’t want to go back to bed. So when I went to tell him he just let loose his anger and frustration out on me. Yelling his usual obscenities. I don’t coward and cry about his verbal abuse anymore. I either respond with the same intensity (if the kids aren’t around, which is rare) OR I try to remain calm and respond with firmness in what I believe in.

About 13 months ago we had what I might say one of the worst fights and in all the aftermath I made a decision that I would not be a victim (even tho at times I still feel like one). Since then I might go as far as to say that our “marriage” relationship has improved. But I can’t help to think that the fire in this steaming pot was only lowered so as to not boil over. Without therapy, if things remain the same I fear that it’s only a matter of time before the lid flies off and all hell breaks loose.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. Have you enforced boundaries?

[lady411]

Thank you Gordenling for all your very thoughtful advice. I have expressed to him all my concerns. Maybe sometimes it’s just been bad timing because sometimes it turns into an even bigger argument where we’re both just yelling at each other. I’m hoping that we can soon talk about some of our issues.

I agree that children need consistency but it’s just so difficult with blended families. Even tho our daughters are only a year apart, we still struggle to have consistency. Because he works most of the day and I stay home with the kids, I am left with most of the disciplining which is very difficult with my stepdaughter.

We haven’t had an opportunity to talk about it but we made peace with each other. I know we love each other very much. We just need to find better ways to communicate with each other (when we actually do communicate).

[lady411]

Buffy01 I’m not sure what you mean. What type of boundaries are you speaking of: yelling, parenting my stepdaughter, house rules? I have set some boundaries as to what level of communication is okay with me. But that doesn’t seem to work. He still ends up yelling and I end up yelling.

[Fuzzybear]

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by lady411

Thank you Gordenling for all your very thoughtful advice. I have expressed to him all my concerns. Maybe sometimes it’s just been bad timing because sometimes it turns into an even bigger argument where we’re both just yelling at each other. I’m hoping that we can soon talk about some of our issues.

I agree that children need consistency but it’s just so difficult with blended families. Even tho our daughters are only a year apart, we still struggle to have consistency. Because he works most of the day and I stay home with the kids, I am left with most of the disciplining which is very difficult with my stepdaughter.

We haven’t had an opportunity to talk about it but we made peace with each other. I know we love each other very much. We just need to find better ways to communicate with each other (when we actually do communicate).

There is a lot going on here. It might really help to see a family counselor if you can to sort through how to disagree without yelling. It really does take practice (I'm sure there are some good articles here on PC and I know there are people who can relate to your situation and found a way forward)
Sometimes, an outside ear can really help.

[Fuzzybear]

[divine1966]

Yelling and screaming and using obscenities in the house full of young impressionable children is abusive. If you don’t want to leave it’s your choice but I’d get children out of there. They don’t choose to live this way and deserve better. They are enduring emotional damage and unfortunately you set up their lives for them. They likely to choose abusuve partners for themselves. How sad

[sarahsweets]

I second what divine says. The children pick up on this even the young ones. They in turn can grow up to pick bad partners. No matter what your strategy is it is affecting the kids.

[Iloivar]

Does he agree, as you do, that the yelling and such is not good for the kids? What are his thoughts on both of you together, seeing a professional?

Because if he can agree that the yelling that's mostly coming from him, in addition to the parenting inconsistency, is not good for the kids. Just based on that, is reason enough for both of you to seek professional help.

Anyways, maybe that's not needed now since you did mention things cooling down. But perhaps just sitting down with him when both of you are calm and addressing your current concerns (And his, I suppose) is something you can do if you haven't already.

[lady411]

Things seem to cool down when my stepdaughter is not with us for a few days. But there has been some yelling since then. I can’t say that I’m not guilty of it either. It’s possibly a defense mechanism to guard my integrity and dignity. We have also had some improvement even when my stepdaughter is with us. I think what bothers me the most is when I see that he coddles her and allows her to get away with certain things. I believe is because he tries to compensate for working so much and not seeing her enough which I understand but it doesn’t make it right.