[Fuzzybear]

Please post in this thread with your thoughts re healthy boundaries. Thanks to all

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Good question.

It depends where you mean...

I'm not too bad with irl friends. I'm pretty much the same as I am here on the forum.

But in the workplace, my boundaries often turn to jelly. I feel trapped there, and react strongly to hostility or criticism from bosses (but not colleagues, fortunately). It's a violent father thing.

So, I suppose I define healthy boundaries as being able to make yourself feel safe.

[CuriousWin]

Only tell your personal business to a trusted friend. Must be careful who you inform your personal business too.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Good question.

It depends where you mean...

I'm not too bad with irl friends. I'm pretty much the same as I am here on the forum.

But in the workplace, my boundaries often turn to jelly. I feel trapped there, and react strongly to hostility or criticism from bosses (but not colleagues, fortunately). It's a violent father thing.

So, I suppose I define healthy boundaries as being able to make yourself feel safe.

Thank you for sharing dear Purple, good post.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Good thread, Fuzzy!

[Have Hope]

What are healthy boundaries?

1. Saying no without guilt
2. Asking for what you want and need
3. Taking care of yourself
4. Doing things out of interest/desire, not out of obligation or to please others
5. Behaving according to your own values and beliefs
6. Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and have disagreements
7. Pursuing your own goals
8. Taking responsibility for your own happiness
9. Not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness
10. Being in tune with your own feelings
11. Knowing who you are, what you believe, what you like

[WastingAsparagus]

I would say it differs from situation to situation. I don't think there are hard and fast rules: but self-respect is a big one.

Respecting yourself enough (meaning as it pertains to your physical health, mental health, social health, or any other area of your life) is the key for me.

[Thirty shades]

Healthy boundaries are essential to wellbeing.

I thought that I struggled to set them. Later I realised that I had set some boundaries but I had a tendency to accept people into my life who did not respect them.

I guess we all have our own triggers that people need to understand and respect but many boundaries are universal and are just human kindness and respect for all.

I think I have room for improvement.

Hugs and respect to all

[LilyMop]

For me, I think it boils down to good communication skills. My intuition is good. I tend to know what is the right thing for me at the time. It’s like the words to that song: Say what you need to say.

[Gfofaddict]

I have a question about boundaries that I can’t find Info on. I’m curious, if someone has a boundary, a limit for acceptance of something but it conflicts with someone else’s boundary how is that worked out, or is it?

For example say someone doesn’t want a partner who looks at porn, it just doesn’t work for her. Then she unintentionally find out her SO uses it a lot. He knows it doesn’t work for her in a relationship and so because of that fact he’s always hidden it and lied about what he’s doing. He tells her he has stopped but obviously she has no way to verify that or to know if her boundary is still being broken or not or if he’s still hiding it and lieing. She can’t know whether the relationship is what she wants or not.
So his boundary is that he wants total privacy, so if she looks to see if her boundaries are being violated she is then violating his boundaries. Is this what would be an irreconcilable difference or what can be done in a situation like that.?
It’s usually easy to know if your boundaries are being violated becuase it’s visible. But what about those such as cheating, going places or with someone or doing something that can be hidden from you? Or is the boundary really that of being dealt with honestly so the minute someone does that they are breaking the boundary because without it then there is no way of knowing if the other things are happening?
I’m new to this boundary thing and am confused!

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Gfofaddict

I have a question about boundaries that I can’t find Info on. I’m curious, if someone has a boundary, a limit for acceptance of something but it conflicts with someone else’s boundary how is that worked out, or is it?

For example say someone doesn’t want a partner who looks at porn, it just doesn’t work for her. Then she unintentionally find out her SO uses it a lot. He knows it doesn’t work for her in a relationship and so because of that fact he’s always hidden it and lied about what he’s doing. He tells her he has stopped but obviously she has no way to verify that or to know if her boundary is still being broken or not or if he’s still hiding it and lieing. She can’t know whether the relationship is what she wants or not.
So his boundary is that he wants total privacy, so if she looks to see if her boundaries are being violated she is then violating his boundaries. Is this what would be an irreconcilable difference or what can be done in a situation like that.?
It’s usually easy to know if your boundaries are being violated becuase it’s visible. But what about those such as cheating, going places or with someone or doing something that can be hidden from you? Or is the boundary really that of being dealt with honestly so the minute someone does that they are breaking the boundary because without it then there is no way of knowing if the other things are happening?
I’m new to this boundary thing and am confused!

Sounds like irreconcilable differences to me.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Gfofaddict

I have a question about boundaries that I can’t find Info on. I’m curious, if someone has a boundary, a limit for acceptance of something but it conflicts with someone else’s boundary how is that worked out, or is it?

For example say someone doesn’t want a partner who looks at porn, it just doesn’t work for her. Then she unintentionally find out her SO uses it a lot. He knows it doesn’t work for her in a relationship and so because of that fact he’s always hidden it and lied about what he’s doing. He tells her he has stopped but obviously she has no way to verify that or to know if her boundary is still being broken or not or if he’s still hiding it and lieing. She can’t know whether the relationship is what she wants or not.
So his boundary is that he wants total privacy, so if she looks to see if her boundaries are being violated she is then violating his boundaries. Is this what would be an irreconcilable difference or what can be done in a situation like that.?
It’s usually easy to know if your boundaries are being violated becuase it’s visible. But what about those such as cheating, going places or with someone or doing something that can be hidden from you? Or is the boundary really that of being dealt with honestly so the minute someone does that they are breaking the boundary because without it then there is no way of knowing if the other things are happening?
I’m new to this boundary thing and am confused!

If the boundary is one cannot have a partner who looks at porn, cheats, etc... and that partner conceals what they are doing rather than complying with their partner’s boundary, then that boundary is being crossed and violated, not observed. The fact he is concealing means he is not respecting the boundary, one can safely assume.

So, then you can either loosen your boundary, letting them plow right over it, and accept their behavior or make firmer demands, or end the relationship when that boundary is truly a deal breaker.

[Gfofaddict]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

If the boundary is one cannot have a partner who looks at porn, cheats, etc... and that partner conceals what they are doing rather than complying with their partner’s boundary, then that boundary is being crossed and violated, not observed. The fact he is concealing means he is not respecting the boundary, one can safely assume.

So, then you can either loosen your boundary, letting them plow right over it, and accept their behavior or make firmer demands, or end the relationship when that boundary is truly a deal breaker.

But that’s the problem, you don’t know it’s being concealed unless you violate his boundary first by checking his activities. That’s the problem I’m referring to!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Thirty shades

Healthy boundaries are essential to wellbeing.

I thought that I struggled to set them. Later I realised that I had set some boundaries but I had a tendency to accept people into my life who did not respect them.

I guess we all have our own triggers that people need to understand and respect but many boundaries are universal and are just human kindness and respect for all.

I think I have room for improvement.

Hugs and respect to all

I also think that many boundaries are universal and are about human kindness and respect for others. Much respect to you dear Thirty shades

[Mountaindewed]

For me boundaries are respecting my personal space. Leaving me alone If I tell you to. I don’t have to be your friend. Don’t keep pushing a conversation when I am clearly uncomfortable with it. No means no. Jump scares are not funny. Don’t touch me at all. I am very creeped out when you mirror my appearance, my values, my views, my likes, my Facebook posts, etc, and not flattered that you want to be like me. My time off work is my time. My job is not an on call type job.

And respecting other people’s boundaries the way I want mine respected.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

What are healthy boundaries?

1. Saying no without guilt
2. Asking for what you want and need
3. Taking care of yourself
4. Doing things out of interest/desire, not out of obligation or to please others
5. Behaving according to your own values and beliefs
6. Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and have disagreements
7. Pursuing your own goals
8. Taking responsibility for your own happiness
9. Not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness
10. Being in tune with your own feelings
11. Knowing who you are, what you believe, what you like

Good post

[TishaBuv]

When people respect you, they have no problems respecting your boundaries.

[Fuzzybear]

Thank you to all those who are respectful of other people's boundaries who have replied

[AzulOscuro]

Interesting thread!
It’s not needed to repeat what it has been already said about respect, safety that I strongly agree with.
I would like to add a different point of view.

Healthy boundaries are something human being begins to develop from early childhood when we begin to understand that we are separate entities from our procreators. I mean it’s a totally social construct from my viewpoint.
There it is the focus of the problem. If you are not allowed to learn it, you will lack of it or at least, you will struggle with it.

[AzulOscuro]

Self- respect as you respect others. Simple but true.

[Have Hope]

To me, healthy boundaries also involve standing up for yourself when need be, and pushing back when someone crosses a boundary.

[CuriousWin]

having boundaries do make you feel safe. Also, it prevents you from setting yourself up for failure.

[niac98]

Hello,
I believe that healthy boundaries are to each as their own, however I think that boundaries are different because people are all different. No two people are alike, I think that healthy boundaries are what makes you most comfortable and obtaining feeling of safeness and security when dealing with whatever it is you are dealing with. Never allow anyone to tell you how to create your own boundaries, and if they are right or wrong. They are your boundaries!

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by niac98

Hello,
I believe that healthy boundaries are to each as their own, however I think that boundaries are different because people are all different. No two people are alike, I think that healthy boundaries are what makes you most comfortable and obtaining feeling of safeness and security when dealing with whatever it is you are dealing with. Never allow anyone to tell you how to create your own boundaries, and if they are right or wrong. They are your boundaries!

That's a good point!

boundaries should include acceptance of others and knowing what we ourselves are willing and not willing to accept. Learning how to solidify boundaries without imposing on others is a challenge I feel most do not meet.