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Elder
Member Since Jan 2010
Location: Where? US
Posts: 5,621
14 101 hugs
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#1
Emotions lead to change, or so I've read. I'm not sure I believe that. I stuff emotions, and now I need to unstuff, fast! Knowing what each emotion feels like inside me is hard, I was never taught about emotions growing up. It's an unspoken language that is totally new! Yet I want to be a counselor, and help others. I want my weakness to be come stronger. But it's hard work, and I have a lot of ground to cover before the next term starts at the end of the month. I also have my sister coming in to town. Will I have enough time??? And that brings up a feeling inside my body that is preparing for action, and extra energy, I think that's anxiety. I'm angry with my parents for not teaching me about emotions. Why did they hide so much from me??!! They thought I needed protection. And yet it led to 15 years of ****, and many hospital trips, and anguish that I wasn't normal.
The real truth is my parents held me back. Stunted my growth, created a weakness. One that future clients and others can see. Something to be used against me and cause hurt, like before. And the hurt continues, because I live with my parents. I feel the need to save money to move out. To work as much as I can, to change my situation. Or the other approach is to help them see the lack of discussion of emotions has harmed me and from what I can see our family. Then when I felt too much, I didn't know what to do, so I tried stuffing it down. Those emotions came out when I was 17 as suicidal thoughts. I felt like I had to run from them. The running has led to trauma. If I didn't run from them for so long, I believe that this "depression and anxiety" wouldn't exist. And now my scalp itches, and my feet want to move. I've got extra energy and I don't know what to do with that energy. It's 5:21 am what can I do? I feel stuck in my room, but the truth is I can leave my room, but then I go into an environment that seems to control my behavior. Ok, I know that isn't true but that is how it feels. I've gone downstairs before but then I come back up, into a comfort zone. Like my environment isn't safe, because of that stupid TV and computer that is always on. I have to be guarded because showing emotions is weak, and something to hide from. This post is huge!!!! What I mean is I've discovered a lot, and I don't know what to do with this knowledge. My digestion is turned off, and it is starting to hurt. I've gone in to flight mode, I need to get the energy out. |
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