[Marylin]

I saw a film Babyteeth today about a 13 year old girl and her family,the girl dies of cancer.The film showed me what grief is and I saw that I needed to grieve.Firstly I never was allowed to grieve my father's death,he died of cancer when he was 46 and I was 16.He was a controlling possessive father and I couldn't be myself while he was in my life,he told us what to do ,was a strict christian,no sex before marriage,no male friends allowed and he was violent if we disobeyed him.I saw him hit both my mother and my sister as a child.I was frightened to express my true self around him so we ended up being baggage of our parents wherever they went we went we weren't encouraged to be independent or develop skills or friendships.When dad was home we walked on eggshells as he would explode with rage at us at a second's notice.I loved him which was confusing as I showed him love and he gave back abuse and demanded obedience.

I was seriously mentally,verbally,emotionally abused by my sister for 39 years,she was nasty,controlling and argumentative and so very jealous of me,she undermined my independance,made me mentally ill and sabotaged my life so I'd never be well enough to have a family or life of my own.I thought I loved her too but the times she showed me love were only to seduce me back into her cycle of abuse so I'd never leave her.She needed my intellectual property and used me to kickstart her own life by taking over my interests and hobbies through which she met her husband and started a family,she managed to do this while making me dependent on her and turning me from a confident woman with personal power and success into a frightened ,powerless,low self esteem person in a state of learned helplessness.
I have to grieve for myself having gone through those phases.I have to grieve for what I missed out on and also grieve for what I could have been.I have to grieve for my sister who I lost and never had cos any love she showed me was all in order to influence me,have me under her thumb and have a hold over me for her own selfish reasons.She never really loved me she tried to drive me to suicide many times in order to inherit my estate.She saw me as a cash cow.I am on speaking terms with her but only via text,I don't trust her to meet up regular we haven't met up for over 6 years.I have to grieve the self that I lost because of this demon creature sister and forgive myself for forgiving her and letting her in again even if only by text.

I have had several dreams where I feel the animosity,jealousy and hatred my sister had in real life for me and dreams where she tries to kill me,once by pushing me off a cliff,setting fire to me,knifing me,drowning me.One dream I tell her she is the one I loved,helped gave my all to and she just took and took from me ,never gave back and even tried to take my life from me.Why then I ask her do I still allow you to pretend you love me and care for me,when in fact you don't and never have?

I do feel like a hypocrite,knowing she tried to kill me but letting her act like a real sister that cares.But the alternative is to cut all contact when she has in certain ways helped during covid with bringing me things from the shop via my niece and helping me when Ive got stuck financially.

I do have to grieve a messy pile of regret and mistakes over my sister.That I looked up to her when we were young,that I failed to realise she hated me and used me when my dad died and that she has used me ever since,I failed to see she was selfish and only ever cared about herself and I am probably still not seeing it now,it's probably still the truth.I have to grieve for myself and for the sister I thought I had but didn't.

Finally the first time I ever loved anyone he was a malicious scumbag who thought of women like my father did,hated fat women,saw them as virgins,mothers and *****s,used porn and he aimed to use me for sex.I didn't see this he made me fall in love with him then brutally discarded me for not giving him what he wanted.I saw him through rose coloured glasses.I need to grieve for the years of lost relationships that I didn't have cos this scumbag and my father put me off men and made me fear them and left me emotionally wounded.

So I need to spend time reflecting on all this,to grieve ,let go and heal.

How do others here feel they have been affected by grief and losses in their lives?Does anyone want to share their story?How have you dealt with the losses in your life and moved forward.Has anyone abused you badly,violently,drove you insne and to the brink of death and you've been able to forgive and rebuild.I am talking sibling or mother or father not spouses?

[unaluna]

Marylin - im surprised we have similar stories, but maybe i shouldnt be - we have similar food issues too. Like almost identical.

[Marylin]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Marylin - im surprised we have similar stories, but maybe i shouldnt be - we have similar food issues too. Like almost identical.

Similar,stories,how so?Do share if you are able to.Has grief impacted your life.I think food issues are common with women,we are under pressures to conform to the media view of body image and we are self conscious and encouraged to compare our bodies with each others.Diets are marketed as the solution to our problems when in fact we need to love ourselves more and this leads to healthier food choices.