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Rincewind
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Trig Dec 27, 2020 at 05:47 PM
  #1
I don't know whether this is the right place to post this, so feel free to move the post or delete it.

My feelings are so over the place now. Since I've been kicked out of therapy it seems like all my system of values gets destroyed every couple of weeks. Each time, I embark on a thrilling spiritual journey to find a new meaning of life, but nothing lasts more than a couple of weeks.

First, I discovered that the only true values in life are power and money (both were of basically zero value before that). So I decided to focus all my energy on building a career and winning affection with money (understanding that my failure will lead to death). Then I chickened a bit and decided to just buy everybody a nice Christmas present and launch some fireworks on New Year Eve, so I could look up to something.

I planned so many tasks at the same time that I was falling apart from anxiety and exhaustion. And when I got them done, I started falling apart. One day I'm celebrating with my friends, joking and drinking.
Possible trigger:
The next day everything's fine and I go to group therapy. Once I come back it's misery again and I can't imagine how I will last to New Year, let alone live after that. I can't find anything to live for. Then I was walking through the suburbs and it dawned how stunningly beautiful this place is. Black skies, full moon, silvery clouds, dark forest in the background, snow, and complete desolation. I felt so calm. So I took the most logical decision I could - cut out all the people from my life and roam wilderness until I die. This lasted me a couple of hours but now I can't sleep because of overwhelming sadness.

The thing that triggered me this time was that I apparently fell in love with a person who will never be able to love me back (which is exactly the thing that happens to me every time). I spent almost all year isolated at home but we managed to cycle a couple of times together and it was really the best part of the year. Then she got sick. My therapist suggested me to give her some friendly care so that we could become friends and maybe later she'll like me back. But the girl refused my gift saying she already has some fruits at home. So my therapist told me that she clearly doesn't like me and that I should stop talking to her and accept that I will forever be lonely or I instead could start dating a chatbot because I'm just too unattractive for real girls.

This basically broke me. I didn't stop talking to this girl (she's my coworker btw). We both liked going to a gym and skiing before the pandemic, so I thought I could arrange something to spend time together. I have no idea whether she likes chatting with me (which is likely a sign she doesn't). In the end, she refused both proposals citing COVID and I basically plunged into full despair mode.

P.S. as I was writing this post, she messaged me back after 2 days of silence, so I'm confused as hell. It just goes to show how unstable I'm at this point.

Sorry for such a long post, wishing you all the best

Last edited by bluekoi; Dec 27, 2020 at 08:14 PM.. Reason: Apply trigger code.
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Default Dec 28, 2020 at 12:51 AM
  #2
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. Have you been diagnosed with depression or anything else? Have you seen a psychiatrist? Taking medication? I feel that you need more help than what you are getting especially if you feel suicidal. Please talk to your doctor.

Don’t talk to a therapist who suggests you talk to robots or chat bots. That’s bizarre.
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Default Dec 31, 2020 at 06:30 AM
  #3
Thank you for the reply. I just wanted to say that I'm much better now (at least as long as I work and can go to the office). I've had something that resembled sub-clinical depression for 4 years but was never officially diagnosed because I basically ran away from the doctor
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Default Dec 31, 2020 at 12:50 PM
  #4
So, I need to vent again. All of my friends are spending New Year Eve (which is much bigger here than Christmas) with their families.

It's the first time I'd have to spend the holidays all by myself.

No problem, I came with a plan on how to have some fun despite the circumstances. I've spent the whole week picking presents for my parents whom I haven't seen since March because I was afraid I'd infect them with the corona. I planned to go up to their house and organize a little firework show. Today I've spent half the day cleaning my rooms and packing the presents. I was ready to depart when I realized that I've lost my keys.

So now I'm stuck at home.

The whole house is ****ing trashed because I've spent at least two hours looking for my keys in places like the fridge and trashcan. My fake Christmas tree is lying disassembled on the floor and I have no will left to assemble it. We say here that you'll spend your whole year the way you've been celebrating New Year Eve and I'll apparently spend 2021 alone, locked in my house rummaging through the rotten remains of last week's meals.

Oh, and my mom is now mad at me for cursing in a phone conversation because such behavior is totally unacceptable. She told me it caused her blood pressure to rise and now she's sick (she has heart problems). So **** this year and all it stands for!
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Default Dec 31, 2020 at 03:41 PM
  #5
So Sorry to hear about your struggles! Is your therapist and/or group therapy currently helping at least a little bit or not? If they don't seem too helpful perhaps it would be good to find a new therapist/group and perhaps a pdoc to get some meds. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Rincewind, your Family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Dec 31, 2020 at 07:26 PM
  #6
New Years Eve is just that one day. I doubt that’s how you’ll spend your year. I hope it will get better. Btw your English is excellent
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Default Jan 01, 2021 at 12:08 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rincewind View Post
I don't know whether this is the right place to post this, so feel free to move the post or delete it.

My feelings are so over the place now. Since I've been kicked out of therapy it seems like all my system of values gets destroyed every couple of weeks. Each time, I embark on a thrilling spiritual journey to find a new meaning of life, but nothing lasts more than a couple of weeks.

First, I discovered that the only true values in life are power and money (both were of basically zero value before that). So I decided to focus all my energy on building a career and winning affection with money (understanding that my failure will lead to death). Then I chickened a bit and decided to just buy everybody a nice Christmas present and launch some fireworks on New Year Eve, so I could look up to something.

I planned so many tasks at the same time that I was falling apart from anxiety and exhaustion. And when I got them done, I started falling apart. One day I'm celebrating with my friends, joking and drinking.
Possible trigger:
The next day everything's fine and I go to group therapy. Once I come back it's misery again and I can't imagine how I will last to New Year, let alone live after that. I can't find anything to live for. Then I was walking through the suburbs and it dawned how stunningly beautiful this place is. Black skies, full moon, silvery clouds, dark forest in the background, snow, and complete desolation. I felt so calm. So I took the most logical decision I could - cut out all the people from my life and roam wilderness until I die. This lasted me a couple of hours but now I can't sleep because of overwhelming sadness.

The thing that triggered me this time was that I apparently fell in love with a person who will never be able to love me back (which is exactly the thing that happens to me every time). I spent almost all year isolated at home but we managed to cycle a couple of times together and it was really the best part of the year. Then she got sick. My therapist suggested me to give her some friendly care so that we could become friends and maybe later she'll like me back. But the girl refused my gift saying she already has some fruits at home. So my therapist told me that she clearly doesn't like me and that I should stop talking to her and accept that I will forever be lonely or I instead could start dating a chatbot because I'm just too unattractive for real girls.

This basically broke me. I didn't stop talking to this girl (she's my coworker btw). We both liked going to a gym and skiing before the pandemic, so I thought I could arrange something to spend time together. I have no idea whether she likes chatting with me (which is likely a sign she doesn't). In the end, she refused both proposals citing COVID and I basically plunged into full despair mode.

P.S. as I was writing this post, she messaged me back after 2 days of silence, so I'm confused as hell. It just goes to show how unstable I'm at this point.

Sorry for such a long post, wishing you all the best
Find a new therapist. This therapist had no right to say that to anyone. She should be reported. Lisa A Romano has great podcast, self help video, mediation and does therapist in NY, Family tree counseling in Pittsburgh has many therapist you can use.. Sound like she the problem and not you.

I do understand how you feel. I been there myself.
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Default Jan 01, 2021 at 07:46 PM
  #8
Thanks for the support. I'm much better now. The therapist I've mentioned actually told she can't help me, so I've found another one. Don't quite like her style yet. The group is also hers. It helps but when I leave it I become a bit more unstable.

I don't think therapists are supposed to lie to make us feel better. She told me what she believes is true. Of course, nobody can predict the future, stranger things happen than finding a loved one. But so far the reality matches her words.
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 04:08 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rincewind View Post
Thanks for the support. I'm much better now. The therapist I've mentioned actually told she can't help me, so I've found another one. Don't quite like her style yet. The group is also hers. It helps but when I leave it I become a bit more unstable.

I don't think therapists are supposed to lie to make us feel better. She told me what she believes is true. Of course, nobody can predict the future, stranger things happen than finding a loved one. But so far the reality matches her words.
some therapist are just bad at their job.
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