Intense anger

Today I received an email that my chosen reference for a job application turned me down. Basically, she doesn't believe that I can do anything related to mental health. I applied for a manager position at a residential treatment home. I've had three dreams taken from me, and I'm beyond angry. It's been 14 years of mental health issues, and a lot of people hurting me by saying I am not fit for this, or my body says nope, not this path. I started a graduate program and had many challenges because of not being emotionally stable. I withdrew in November. Yes COVID didn't help but my past was held against me.

I can't take this crap from people not believing that the past doesn't define who anyone will be. I've seen it so much. And people are stuck in the past, being help hostage from any chance of success. I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way.

I'm also angry that I haven't done enough to get free of the past. I've done all I can except change habits and thoughts and behaviors. I've relied purely on meds. And have only gotten worse.

Now when I establish a vision for the future, I'm overwhelmed and don't know where you start. And without the gym for an outlet, I'm doing nothing. I get sucked in by TV and my parents. I'm 32, I need my own space but my finances don't allow me to move. I feel so stuck. And now I have to deal with IBS, and pain in my shoulders and arm. All caused by stress and putting too much pressure on myself because of shame. I don't want to be on disability because then my past would hold me back father. I want to scream. And throw something at every person who had doubted me and caused trauma.

I understand how you feel. I feel like this all the time.