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Here we go again
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Default Jan 06, 2021 at 07:01 PM
  #1
I feel so empty, so numb. He cheated and everything changed, we patched things up for two years, them out of the blue he says he doesn't love me and that he has a divorce lawyer appointment (today). I was gaslighted and did not expect this.

I am crushed. He still in the house as he I am sure is waiting for a place to move out to. I am trying to be civil, supportive and amicable, because we have small children and I don't want them to hear fights. But he acts as if I'm trying to come up to him, he is so cold and distant. This hurts because I love him. I've been working towards acceptance and letting go, but I love him and I feel so stupid for loving him.still.

He has said things like I don't love you, it's not like I don't want to do those things, it's that I do t want to do them with you, paying a comment shouldn't be so hard, I've faked it for years etc.etc.etc. So... So mean. Two conversations like this, amontmongst 15 years of love, devotion and respect. I don't understand.

At this point I made the decisions you believe him and accept, but this is hard. I felt depressed today, haven't been depressed in 30 years. Maybe it is like hesate says, that I deserve all the things that he is not willing to give me, that he was not a good husband or father, that I deserve happiness. But I was happy!! It was him the one that wasnt. After some soul-searching and consults with his boss, it appears that he made the conclusion that he is manic depressive/bipolar, which I have known for the past year. So..now I'm clinging to the idea that he would actually seek help for his depression and connect to the world again, so I'm.stupod again, full of love and compassion for a person that fell out if love, cheated and now is leaving again to go seek what he wants.

I'm confused and feel stupid.
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Default Jan 06, 2021 at 09:48 PM
  #2
Dear Here we go again,

I wish I knew what to say to help. I am so sorry you are in this situation but I just don't have any good ideas. You deserve a life where you can have peace of mind and joy of living! It is so inspiring that you are really there for your kids and care deeply about them. I admire you so much for that.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jan 07, 2021 at 04:52 AM
  #3
It's a very tough and painful situation, and my heart goes out to you.

As you stated, one person cannot be the only one fighting for the relationship. Also, you cannot push him or force him to get help. I would trust him at his word at this point, as painful as it is, and as you are acknowledging must happen.

Cheating often times signifies unhappiness - not always, but often. And if he says he no longer loves you? Ouch - yes, that is like a knife in the stomach, but you cannot force or convince someone to love you when they no longer do.

What I worry about for you is I think you are clinging to your past happiness.

We often put on love blinders to what we don't want to see or accept, and I'm afraid you may be experiencing a bit of that and denial about what is happening.

HIs past cheating says a lot about him and his state of mind, but you forgave him and carried on. And now, he is running off to sleep with other women while he still lives with you.

I worry about your own level of self respect in this equation. You want to cling to a marriage that has broken down and you wish to cling to a man who is repeatedly disrespecting you. Yet, you love him to the moon and back, despite his mean words and despite his disrespect.

I don't mean to sound hurtful by being so honest and blunt. But I think the sooner you accept the current reality, the easier it will be for you going forward. And the sooner you see his actions as being disrespectful of you, the better off you will be. If I had a husband doing those things to me, I wouldn't want to be in the marriage any longer.

I wish for healing for you and strength through this most painful process.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 07, 2021 at 06:39 AM..
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Default Jan 07, 2021 at 07:03 AM
  #4
You are NOT stupid. You were honorable and loving. He chose to be DIShonorable. xo
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Default Jan 07, 2021 at 09:17 AM
  #5
I lurk on a blog for people who have been cheated on (married people and people who had/have a partner with questionable behaviour that could indicate cheating or a hidden other life, etc. I’ve only been cheated on once, that I know of, and while it was very painful - the guy also got arrogant and discarded me cruelly, saying he couldn’t believe I actually thought we’d been dating. It’s funny looking back because there’s nothing else you could have called it! - I know it pales in comparison to a marriage being broken up by similar means), and the things your husband said that you wrote in your post, I’ve read a hundred times over in the comments section. “I never loved you”, etc. It’s like cheaters come out of a factory.
This will probably sound harsh, but he was likely never the person you thought he was. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, because it’s all on him. You were the faithful, loving and above all, authentic one, be proud of yourself for that at least.
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Default Jan 07, 2021 at 09:50 AM
  #6
i must agree with the other wise posters. he clearly hurt you and you deserve to be treated MUCH better than this. Please do move forward and also consider seeking therapy for yourself if you feel like you need it. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Here we go again, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Jan 07, 2021 at 10:38 AM
  #7
To add to my earlier post, @Here we go again, it seems that you may suffer from codependency, which is when a person sacrifices their own needs and self respect in order to fix and resolve someone else's problems, when that someone else is hurting you and is harming your own mental health. This man is hurting you and your mental health suffers, yet you are still willing to help him and you want to save him from himself and from his mental health issues. That is codependency. It may benefit you to get a therapist, if you do not have one already, and to perhaps join a codependency anonymous group for support and help. I used to be codependent. There is no shame in this.

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Default Jan 07, 2021 at 11:25 AM
  #8
I agree with everyone, thank you. In fact, thanks to your encouragement I put my foot down and set boundaries, asked questions and said a lot of stuff that I was afraid to say, such as we have kids and you still havevtesponsibilities around here, and that you are not going to saddle me with all the pain and responsibilities while you go play.

What I said I believe made him see me with respect for the first time in a while. I felt empowered again, evennif just for a minute, it felt good.

It's going to be a long year, but at least we got a plan and a promise to communicate, and to be able to live our lives without worrying about, and be supportive of each other, most just one way!
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Default Jan 08, 2021 at 05:08 PM
  #9
I wish you the best in your healing. He was unkind and disrespectful in his words and actions. You deserve the best and it’s so commendable that you are staying civil and behave in a kind manner. Stay strong and empowered on your journey.
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