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Trig Feb 02, 2021 at 10:31 AM
  #1
First, let me start by saying that I will be ok. I just need to vent what I have been feeling lately.

The tumultuous ocean is ravaging my soul and I feel like I am drowning, yet only to surface and find myself struggling to stay afloat. I have come to hate where I am in my life, alone and in despair. I weep and my broken heart bleeds, for when will I find the peace I crave? Perhaps that is a myth that I must no longer pursue--my faith in hope.

To hear my daughter beg me to return to mommy rips my soul apart. It puts my soul in a state of despair that I cannot give this desire to my little unicorn. Her begging drowns my feelings of hope and I can only tell her I am sorry so many times. I cannot give her what she wants. I would give her the stars if I could, but this is one thing I cannot give her. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that her innocent heart is being trampled by the reality of life. I did not want this for her, but then again I am the monster. To know it was my fault for what happened, tears my heart and drains my soul of hope. When my little unicorn discovers this, how will she look at me? Probably with disdain, like most others who have mattered to me.

There is a monster that was incubated by my mother a long time ago, due to years of emotional and psychological torment. She broke what could have been probably a bright soul. In time, the monster that I created within is so savage, it has ripped my innocence from me. This monster has destroyed everything in my past, most ex friends and girlfriends want nothing to do with me. I don't blame them, since I can be pretty gruesome. I just don't know the antidote. I have tried therapy and have yet to discover an answer to this rage, this seething rage that can come out of nowhere. This rage that destroys everything I value. It is a miracle that I survived this long, since it also seeks to destroy me.

When will it stop? Is there an antidote? I hope it doesn't appear at my innocent daughter. I blame myself for bringing something so beautiful to this world, knowing that within me lies something so dark. How could I? Where is hope? I am beyond frustrated and the seething monster rages inside me. This isolation is ripping me apart and I just want to be at peace. But, I am constantly reminded by my past and haunted for what I am--a monster.

--sarc
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Default Feb 02, 2021 at 11:26 AM
  #2
Even though i don't know exactly what happened, i am rather confident that you're not a monster. i am sure that, whatever happened, it was something you did not want to happen and that you only want the best for your daughter at least based on what you wrote. Please don't be hard on yourself: everyone makes mistakes and we can only do our best to repair them. i don't think you did something unforgivable. Everyone deserves some empathy. Hopefully your daughter will accept and understand things with time. Please do keep writing if it helps you. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @sarcgeo, your Family, your Friends, your daughter and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Feb 02, 2021 at 08:10 PM
  #3
I don't think you're a monster. I think that if you were, you wouldn't have written this post. I think that you deserve empathy

Please keep posting here if it helps

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Default Feb 02, 2021 at 11:52 PM
  #4
You are one of those people who selfreflect.You are not a monster.You said you were abused by your parent.It looks like you are in a lot of agony.Are you seeing a therapist?Please practice a self care routine.You have a wounded soul because of abuse.You need to heal my dear.You can pick soothing techniques that suits you.Hope you feel better soon.Hugs.
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Default Feb 03, 2021 at 04:13 AM
  #5
With compassion for your emotions, and in the spirit that there is always an option for the better— Is it possible for your daughter to ‘return to her mommy’?

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Default Feb 04, 2021 at 11:11 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
With compassion for your emotions, and in the spirit that there is always an option for the better— Is it possible for your daughter to ‘return to her mommy’?
Sorry if I was a little obscure. My daughter is with her daughter the majority of the time. What my daughter wants is for mommy and daddy to be back together.

--sarc
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Default Feb 04, 2021 at 11:12 AM
  #7
I wanted to say thank you to all the responses...

Appreciated,

--sarc
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Default Feb 05, 2021 at 06:53 PM
  #8
First of all, you are not a monster. Maybe you made big mistakes and behaved bad, ok. But, there are few people who are what we can call real monsters and the only fact that you mention it, takes you away from that category.
I see lots of despair, feeling of guilty and frustration.

You only wanted to put these all out and vent in the thread and I do understand you but how in the earth, we are not gonna try to tell you something since we find your deeply sadness and you being not just hard but implacable with yourself, so palpable.

Who is your daughter living with and how old is she?
And what happened when your wife and you separate yourselves. I mean, in regards to what happen to you kid. How did she live it?

Normally, when kids have a hard time when parents split but they have also an amazing capacity for adaptation when they received and can feel the love from their parents, independently if they are together or apart.

You mentioned that you did therapy. When you were a couple with your wife or now that you are alone? I tell you because many times a therapy may not work for different circumstances but you could give it another go, for you daughter.

My apologise for so many questions that of course, which ones, I will be on your part, whether you are prepare to reply and also if you don’t reply because you are not ready or see it hard.

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Default Feb 06, 2021 at 08:34 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by sarcgeo View Post
Sorry if I was a little obscure. My daughter is with her daughter the majority of the time. What my daughter wants is for mommy and daddy to be back together.

--sarc
A correction on my part. I meant to say that my daughter is with her mommy the majority of the time.
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Default Feb 06, 2021 at 08:59 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
First of all, you are not a monster. Maybe you made big mistakes and behaved bad, ok. But, there are few people who are what we can call real monsters and the only fact that you mention it, takes you away from that category.
I see lots of despair, feeling of guilty and frustration.

You only wanted to put these all out and vent in the thread and I do understand you but how in the earth, we are not gonna try to tell you something since we find your deeply sadness and you being not just hard but implacable with yourself, so palpable.

Who is your daughter living with and how old is she?
And what happened when your wife and you separate yourselves. I mean, in regards to what happen to you kid. How did she live it?

Normally, when kids have a hard time when parents split but they have also an amazing capacity for adaptation when they received and can feel the love from their parents, independently if they are together or apart.

You mentioned that you did therapy. When you were a couple with your wife or now that you are alone? I tell you because many times a therapy may not work for different circumstances but you could give it another go, for you daughter.

My apologise for so many questions that of course, which ones, I will be on your part, whether you are prepare to reply and also if you don’t reply because you are not ready or see it hard.
Azul,
Thank you for your detailed response. I will try to answer some of your questions here. My daughter is only 7, she will soon be 8, and she lives primarily with her mother. I made this choice, since I wanted to give her a sense of home. I could've had 50/50 custody, yet I refer back to my previous statement. In my opinion, a 50/50 custody arrangement is tough on such a young mind, with the constant change. Children need stability and structure, and that constant change could create chaos for her little mind. I know some children do better in 50/50 situations, but I know my daughter and it would have been rough on her.

Regarding what happened between her mother (my ex) and I. We were two very different people, with different perspectives of the world. She and I would get into some very nasty arguments. As I said before, I can get angry and if the monster comes out, I have a VERY HARD time controlling him. I feel I am the hulk, metaphorically speaking. I loved her commitment to her honesty and truth; furthermore, she had a dedicated commitment to morality. I found these qualities to be a guiding force in her and loved her for it.

She also had a son from a previous marriage. I had the rare opportunity to watch how she was as a mother. I loved and cherished how she was with her son, so that gave me evidence that she would be a good mother.

That was my first images of her, full of good morals and a great mother. This was the woman I fell in love with. Sadly, when we got together the monster would come out of me and rage at her. I am not sure if she was intentional, but some of her statements would trigger me. When I felt the monster emerging, there was no turning back, and I would lash out at her. Let me say this, I NEVER hit her. But, my anger is/was terrifying. I terrified my ex so much that it, according to her, made her stop loving me. Eventually, she was done and said the divorce was the only reality for us. I begged and begged for the salvation of our marriage, but she was determined to leave me. There was nothing I could do and I knew who was at fault--me. She would not even attempt therapy. During the last two years of our marriage, she got icy cold and there were no moments of love and in fact, she told me that she was no longer in love with me. This devastated me, since I knew why.

I made a commitment to myself to try to not have a marriage like my own parents. They argued constantly, and as I said, my own mother was gruesome to me. I have talked about it in another forum.

I have failed so many times...Most of my friendships and relationships have ended this way, due to my anger....this is the source of my frustration.

The therapy was for myself, as I mentioned that she wasn't interested in therapy.

regards,

--sarc
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Default Feb 06, 2021 at 05:02 PM
  #11
I’m a teacher but not a mother. I felt myself in a similar position than your wife for a time in my relationship, so I understand your wife’s situation, then, I’m not very good at relationships (I mean, handling relationships or knowing people, much less, about relationships functioning, I don’t have a lot of experience) so maybe I’m the last person who can give you a clue or tell you some words.
But, we have in common the thing about the anger and I would like to give you a little of support.
You are being very hard on yourself and it’s not a bad starting point at all. I can read how you are very aware of you not being ready, for X reasons to correspond your wife as she deserves in the past. I want to stress on the past on purpose. You are now a new person. You’re aware of your flaws. Often, behind anger is hidden frustration, fears, insecurities, angriness with ourselves, eventually pain. And we need to put a little of that outside to alleviate a little. To avoid being consumed.
The solution is not easy because it’s a whole process to learn to manage this anger. And if you fail in the process it’s normal and you must see it as a push to go back to your work again.
When you manage this anger you will feel each day better and stronger with more trust in yourself.
So there’s a gratification that will push you to go forward.

I don’t know if your relation with your wife has a solution but with your daughter, I’m so convinced. She is the normal age to feel reluctant her parents separate themselves and she will probably want to fix it up because she may feel responsible but with care and affection on part of you both, she will adapt to whatever the situation may be in the future.

If I understood well, your daughter call for her mommy even when she’s with you? And I’m sure you must feel the worst parent in the world. When you feel that remember that kids don’t have the knowledge enough to express things as adults and maybe through a remark that can sound us as a knife, behind this remark, there is the real message, hidden, like when you have to decode a message.
Always, ask yourself, what she is trying to tell me in real, what does she need? Without you feeling upset or disappointed. Be more open than ever to understand so you will be able to communicate effectively.

I remember my nephew saying to his dad that he didn’t love him. Nah! He was only asking a different treatment, a little more of attention. He is very sensitive and he felt rejected.

Coming back to you. How do you feel when your daughter ask for her mommy when being with you? What do you think she’s trying to tell you?
(No need to reply. I don’t want you to feel forced)

PS: My apologise for the long post but when the thing is about kids, I don’t know what happen with me. I feel touched.

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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 09:36 AM
  #12
Azuloscuro,

Well, I am touched by your posts and interest in my relationship with my daughter. Watching her being born reawakened what I thought was dead in me--hope. Yet hope seems to be eluding me at this moment in life whereby I feel as if I am drowning in a tempestuous ocean.

My daughter asks for me to return to mommy when she's with me and on the phone, also in person when I come to pick her up. I know this triggers me, since I know I was to blame for the failure in the divorce. It causes me to shake my head in disbelief to know that this little innocent mind is already being damaged. I don't know how to help her when I feel like I am up to my throat drowning in sorrow. Everyone around me tells me to be strong, but I am caught in the reality of the situation. I know I destroyed something that could've been a future. I cannot forgive myself due to this and my past, since it reoccurs.

I really honestly don't know what she is telling me to return to mommy. For all it does is remind me of what I did.

Geeze, I realize now that I must sound like a pity party. I don't want pity. I just want the frustration to end, the ability to recognize that I am damaged goods and just move on. I feel like the most horrible human being on this Earth and knowing that my little girl is hurting--kills me in anguish.

That is all I can say on this matter...

--sarc
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 01:26 PM
  #13
Umm! Is it possible your wife has put your daughter against you?

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