[fiercekitty]

Hello! I am brand new to this forum. I’ve been trying to find somewhere to ask for some advice on my current life circumstance.

It’s such a long, complicated situation, so I’ll try and condense it.

I’m 27 and until 2 years ago, i hadn’t heard from my Father since I was about 9. I had moved to the States with my Mother when I was 9, stayed there for five years and then returned to the UK. During that time my Father had remarried and I had been told that my Father didn’t want me and his new wife didn’t want a ‘package’. So I had basically grown up thinking that my Father didn’t want anything to do with me, despite him living very close to me. Bear in mind that I had been told this information by my Grandmother, whom I currently live with

Anyway! What the issue now is that 2 years ago, I got back in contact with my Father and turns out I had been told lies. I had been a child that was caught in the middle of adult problems. He had always thought about me, and it was probably a very hard time for him.

I think I am struggling with processing all of this. To go from believing your Father didn’t want you, to finding out he did and he still loves you, is strange. It’s lovely, but strange. I also have to meet him in secret because my Grandmother would hit the roof if she knew I had see him. And, my Mother died when I was 15, so I am pretty alone in this situation!

I am happy that I can finally start to have a relationship with him, but I don’t know how to properly process all these emotions. How do I learn to love someone that I believed stopped loving me?

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, if you do. Hopefully this is the right place to post it :-)

[*Beth*]

Welcome to the forum

It will be great if you eventually have a relationship with your dad.

A couple of questions: Over the years did your dad try to contact you? Are he and his wife still together?

[fiercekitty]

Thanks, Bethrags!

It will, and we definitely can. Yes he is still with his wife, and he didn’t because in the end he also thought that I didn’t want anything to do with him...probably because of the lies I’d been told and believed.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to the forum, fiercekitty

[Bill3]

Why does your grandmother have any influence on whether and how you see your father?

To learn to love him, spend a lot of time with him, speak honestly about your feelings, and ask him to do the same. It will take time. You might want to have a therapist help you process the feelings that you have.

[MickeyCheeky]

Welcome! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about taking your time to REALLY get to know your father! i also agree with seeing a therapist and of course feel free to post here as Well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @fiercekitty, your Family, your Friends, your father and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[RoxanneToto]

This sounds tough, I’m guessing you feel like your grandmother may try to prevent you being able to contact your father if she found out? It’s really your choice whether or not to try having a relationship with him, as you are an adult (as you have chosen to, I sincerely hope it goes well for you!). I can understand why she might not want you to, but I don’t agree that you shouldn’t be allowed to.
I also think it’s better to aim for a healthy relationship with him rather than strive to feel familial love for him, however. I only say this because I know you can’t force yourself to love anyone, and it’s horrible thinking you “should” love someone but realise that you don’t. Hopefully you will grow to love each other as father and daughter should, over time, though.

[Mendingmysoul]

You are an adult now.Your grandmother can't forbid you from having a relationship with your dad.I am glad that you found him and he loves you.