advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
ShadowGX
Poohbah
 
ShadowGX's Avatar
ShadowGX is rawr
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 1,114
5 yr Member
754 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Trig Feb 09, 2021 at 02:14 AM
  #1
Been a while since I've been on here. Was able to say I didn't really need to vent like this anymore for a while, but alas, here I am again getting punted back into a pit of desperation with no way out in sight.

Gonna be a long post. tl;dr at the bottom.

Last year around the middle of the year my hours dropped at work for months and in September I ran out of money and had to move back in with my parents. The loss of hours was not Covid related due to me being an essential worker, it's just how the cookie crumbles in this profession sometimes. I was already living paycheck to paycheck, sometimes needing to borrow money from my parents to cover the last little bit of expenses, so the loss of hours killed it. I tried to find a new profession, but with a lot of other people doing the same due to Covid there's just too much competition and not enough good paying jobs for people without degrees and experience. I also maxed out a brand new credit card with all the moving expenses to further add to my money stress. I had 5 years of freedom and it's gone now.

Worst part about being home with my parents? Being home. As in, there's not one good thing about it except that I save a little money. It's triggering a lot of bad memories for me of all the emotional and physical abuse I endured from both of my parents. They're treating me ok right now, but it doesn't change the memories, and issues are already starting to creep up. For instance, when we were discussing terms of my move-in I agreed to $200 rent which was supposed to cover the added expense of having me there, not for them to make money off of me. It was said explicitly that they were only going to charge me what they thought I would cost, this isn't me picking and choosing words or something. Now, I do not cost $200 a month in utilities and other stuff, but I agreed to it anyways because I knew negotiating would be difficult. I also agreed to pay half of the internet bill, which is a separate $50 a month. The other day my mom caught me refilling my toilet paper supply and said "I hope you're going to replace that". So, we had a discussion on how I thought that was included in my expenses and apparently the terms do not include toilet paper or any other products I'm forced to use because of how sensitive they are about everything, even though I explicitly remember that coming up in the discussion before. I then brought up how I don't cost $200 a month, my highest utility bill ever while living on my own was $121 one time during the middle of the summer heat wave, but usually was $50 or less, I buy my own food and soaps and everything else already... But no, she's right and there's no room for negotiation, as always. She can change the terms at any time and I get no say in it.

Ok, so being home is bad enough, but it gets worse. I don't know how much longer I can stand working at my current job. I'm a caregiver for an elderly woman who is dying, and she refuses to go peacefully, despite saying nightly that she wishes God would just take her because shes in so much physical pain. She has turned from the nicest most awesome lady into this monster who one second can be cooperative and relaxed and the next is trying to bite or hit or push you away and doing things to harm herself. Most of the time this is her state, completely uncooperative and unable to communicate properly, refusing help and insisting she be left to do whatever she wants uncaring of consequence. Of course we can't just let her do what she wants, so that's where she starts lashing out. Because of this refusal to cooperate she has fallen 4 times in 4 days, one each day. The meds she's on for pain now have forced dementia upon her essentially, plus her physical capabilities are worse than they've ever been. She used to walk with a walker and was even able to drive, but now she has to use a wheelchair and is confined to her house. Still, despite this, she tries to walk without a walker and do things like she used to which leads to her injuring herself. One of these days she's going to have a serious fall and that is what will kill her, not her heart failure or any of the other things that were supposed to kill her before she turned 50. She's 82 now, so that shows what doctors know. She is on hospice, but there's only so much they can do. Hell, I dare say they made her worse because they are the ones who gave her these drugs. It might seem cold, but for both her sake and the rest of us (caregivers and her kids) I wish she would just go peacefully in her sleep on the rare occasions she allows herself to sleep.

I'm beyond stressed with no way to release the stress. Home is generally where people can go to relax, but for me it's hell there too. Sure, I have space, but they can come and go whenever they want in said space, the walls and doors are paper thin so I hear everything they say and they can hear anything I say, not to mention the constant tension that is this temporary truce we have making every interaction tense. Brief reprieve is shower time where all I can hear is the water running or when I manage to pass out from exhaustion. I have nowhere else to go and I'm about to break.

The cherry on top is one of my good friends who I was going to play some games with this week after not being able to for a while has picked up an important contract job and had to cancel, further saying he will be extremely busy for a few months because of it. So, the one thing I had to look forward to has been ruined. I have another friend to play that same game with, but he's not the same. This other dude just has a way about him that cheers me up no matter what and I really needed that. It's far less about the game and more about hanging out with him again.

The only thing keeping me going is my cats. I know exactly what will happen to them if I die, they'll be tossed out in the cold and left to fend for themselves. One has a missing eye, the other has urinary tract issues requiring prescription food, and and both of them do not have experience fending for themselves, so they won't last long. If one of the other cats around here doesn't beat them to death, they'll die of starvation or other medical issues.

tl;dr - Hitting my limit with both home and work life, no relief in sight.

__________________
ShadowGX is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
AzulOscuro, MickeyCheeky, Open Eyes, Purple,Violet,Blue

advertisement
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 09, 2021 at 04:10 AM
  #2
It's understandable that you feel stressed and need to vent. We all like to feel we have a degree of control, even that elderly woman you are taking care of. It's not uncommon for someone elderly like that to forget their limitations and get up and walk without their walker. My mother did that, and even got up at night to go to the bathroom forgetting she was limited. This is what contributes to elderly people falling. Our brains form deep patterns of navigating and much of that is engaged subconsciously without much thought. It's rather quite easy for the mind to forget the body is older and it's harder to do things one used to without thinking about it. It's also common for someone to get angry and frustrated when they become consciously aware of their physical limitations.

Think about how freely you move around at your age, so many things you do that you don't think about. Now picture waking up and your body is suddenly old and you can't do all you do anymore, you see the mind is the same in so many ways, it's the body that begins to fail the most. Actually, ShadowGX, if you lived in that woman's body for one week, you would look at your own life VERY differently. You would appreciate being able to drive, to be able to work and even have a chance to think about what else you may do instead of what you are doing now.

It's actually very common for an elderly person who is losing more and more control to wish to pass in their sleep. It's normal to experience the frustration of slowly losing one's self. It can be VERY hard to accept the path this woman is heading down. She isn't pushing you away on a personal level either, it's the fact that she is requiring more assistance that is bothering her. This is especially hard on a person that was independent and happy to be just that. It's not all that different from how you feel having to move home and not having the privacy you enjoyed when having your own space away from your parents.

This woman most likely defied what doctors thought because she was strong willed. Actually, you should give her credit for making it to her age of 82. She hung in there for thirty years despite having health challenges. Can't blame her for getting frustrated and depressed about having to live in pain and experiencing less and less control.

Moving home is hard, hard to have to share space, hard to do that for both you and your parents.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky, Purple,Violet,Blue
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
ShadowGX
Poohbah
 
ShadowGX's Avatar
ShadowGX is rawr
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 1,114
5 yr Member
754 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 09, 2021 at 05:46 AM
  #3
Yeah, I get all that, I've been in the field for a while and dealt with all sorts - but understanding why she is the way she is doesn't help lessen the stress of it and she's not going to change for the better, she will only get worse. Heck, she even forgets about her injuries sometimes and makes them worse. Her brain has lost the ability to reason even the most simple of concepts. It's like if you were trying to tell someone 1+1=2, which isn't something you can dispute, but they insisted it equaled banana for no other reason than because that's just what their brain has them convinced of at the time. They can't even tell you why they think it means banana, but it definitely is to them no matter how hard you try. Then, the next minute suddenly 1+1=5, so at least it's closer, but still not on target so cooperation still doesn't occur.

The major issue is when this lack of reasoning occurs for important things that can't just be left ignored, like using the bathroom. For her, the bathroom process is already complicated for many reasons... She has a prolapsed bladder, which essentially means she can't empty her bladder properly and the best way for her to pee is standing. Most of the time, if she sits she cannot pee at all. Further, she has a huge hole in her left foot that refuses to heal because she not only has heart failure leading to bad circulation but diabetes that is poorly managed, especially now, and the standing constantly on it is making the hole bigger. Oh, and the multiple infections in it... She's also morbidly obese, so when she does stand it's difficult to begin with, then she has all that extra weight on a foot that she should be off of. Sometimes she gets up 3-4 times in a short span because she can't fully empty her bladder in one go. Now add in the fact that she can't understand basic reasoning... getting her to pee is sometimes an impossible task. The safest method we have currently is to stand her up in front of her recliner (this is where she sleeps because her back is messed up bad), put a pad under her while she holds onto something sturdy, then let her pee right there. If she starts to go backwards, she can fall into the chair. If she goes sideways, I'm right there to hold onto her.

So here's where the reasoning comes into play. I make it very clear what the plan is, but the words don't connect for her. I can hold her hand and guide it to where to push herself up to help me like she always has, very routine, but she will insist on grabbing the wheelchair to pull herself up. This is very unsafe because the wheelchair is not good leverage and easily tips back, so she falls backwards and is too heavy for me to fully lift her when she isn't helping me properly. I explain in many different ways - vocal tones, body language, using different words, etc - she still insists. I have to then wait for the words to somehow sink in, or else keep her sitting. The good news is in this scenario she can't just pull herself up by herself, so the only danger is her growing frustration in that she can't do it exactly how she wants to. Eventually she cooperates and I can get her standing, then the problem is getting her to pee. I figured out on a whim that calling the pad a "pee catcher" seems to help it sink in for her, but not always. I can show her visually and by touch that she is covered and it's safe to pee. Still, more often than not, it's a battle to get her to understand that she has something there to catch the urine, it just doesn't register. We've had hour long or more battles on her worst days, just to get her to do something she so desperately wants and needs to do - pee.

The medicine forced dementia is getting worse all the time too. The last few days she has accused us (caregivers and kids both) of tying her up and not letting her walk. Of course we don't do this, and when she says she is actively being tied up there's nothing around her that could be tangled, sometimes she says this while completely naked. She has also forgotten all of our names, calling her son Mark (which is her brother's name) and any of us caregivers Barbie (which is what another relative goes by). She has been forgetting where she is, asking for people who are dead, seeing things that aren't there, it's awful. I feel so bad for her, but there's nothing I can do but try to keep her from hurting herself in these cases, which sometimes just pisses her off and gets me hit.

The falls have all occurred during these instances of confusion and stubbornness, but she doesn't remember falling when we remind her that doing it her way gets her hurt. Still, we can only fight her so much. If she decides to and is able to get up on her own, I can't pin her down. All I can do is try to provide her the safest way of doing what she wants to do. Sometimes there is no perfect way that she will allow, then she hurts herself, like falling. =/

__________________

Last edited by ShadowGX; Feb 09, 2021 at 06:07 AM..
ShadowGX is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky, Open Eyes, Purple,Violet,Blue
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 09, 2021 at 06:16 AM
  #4
It's very, very hard to deal with dementia alone never mind all the things you have shared. God bless you for having any patience to deal with all that you are describing. It's no wonder you are thinking about a different career path. I don't think people really appreciate how hard the work is for some caregivers. You are right in that it gets increasingly challenging and more difficult to manage as medications for dementia don't stop the progression of the disease.

Certainly not an easy job for what those who do it have to witness and deal with that progressively gets worse. I am sure it gets scary when someone gets out of control like you describe. Yes, I know that sometimes a patient can get delusional and accuse the caregiver of doing things they are not doing. Sounds like her mind is really going. You must be worn out after your shift with her is over.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Feb 09, 2021 at 06:31 AM..
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky, Purple,Violet,Blue
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 09, 2021 at 06:58 AM
  #5
So Sorry that you're struggling so much and so sorry about that elderly woman as well! i agree with the wise and wonderful Open Eyes. Unfortunately sometimes it happens to go through moments like this. Hopefully it will only be temporary and you will be able to find a better-paying job and be able to move out. In the meantime have you already tried to contact a therapist? That may be difficult since you're tight on money right now but if you can afford it Please do consider it. Please do try to respect yourself and others as well. Hugs. Please be kind to yourself and others. You all deserve that. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @ShadowGX, your Family, your Friends, that elderly woman and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Purple,Violet,Blue
ShadowGX
Poohbah
 
ShadowGX's Avatar
ShadowGX is rawr
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 1,114
5 yr Member
754 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 15, 2021 at 02:12 AM
  #6
Ugh, another extremely draining couple of nights.

Last night her big thing is she wanted to "go to bed" - she doesn't have a bed, she sleeps in recliners, so we tried every chair in the house including her wheelchair and none of them were "bed" to her, she still kept repeating "I want to go to bed" no matter how we explained that she was in bed already. Eventually she decided she wanted to lay on the floor... but that, yet again, is just something she can't do, so we (her daughter and I) had to fight with her to convince her that the recliner on her deck was bed. She kept trying to slide out of the recliner and onto the floor and nearly made it twice. If she gets to the floor, we have to call the fire department to get her up, and she'll be screaming in pain the whole time because of her back and butt being in awful shape. She doesn't understand floor = bad, for some reason her mind has her convinced that the floor is super comfortable.

Tonight was the same deal with the wanting to be on the floor thing, but on another level. She kept trying to slide from her chair to the floor again, but one time she peed all over, so I had to change her bandages. I did a ****** job because she wasn't cooperating, but at least the wounds are covered... While trying to change her bandages she kept trying to slide to the floor and almost did so with her bad foot completely exposed.

I'm so glad her kids are here to help in times like this. There's no way I could do this on my own, she would have had to be put in a home by now and drugged out of her mind. Hospice tried to drug her out of her mind while at home and the one drug instead of knocking her out it just gave her a boost and she got vicious. They tried the same drug a couple nights ago just to see if it was a one time thing, and nope, it turned her into a demon. Like, she was actually making demon voice noises at them and trying to attack them. Big yikes. Glad I had that night off, to say the least...

__________________
ShadowGX is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:06 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.