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Noninde
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Trig Mar 07, 2021 at 07:46 AM
  #1
Hello,
Basically, the title of my post and a vent/rant, because it's been a tough night (month, year, years...) and I'm struggling.

Questions at the end.
And apologies if I'm using the trigger warning incorrectly.

My therapist and I believe I have depression and complex PTSD. I've had ongoing hardships and bouts of trauma these past 6 years.

We had what felt like a respite for about two months, where terrible things weren't happening. Where I wasn't repeating 'if I just get through x, y, z this week, maybe I'll have a day to process, time to think it over and have a good cry'

I've just gotten through two weeks of clockwork triggers and bad things happening. Just getting over the last, it's Sunday night, and after one phone call, it now appears week three will also be dreadful and full of bad things to come.

We've been moved from home to home with little time for stability or to put down roots, in the midst of a very unstable 2020, and multiple close family and friend deaths.

2 of my closest supports died unexpectedly.
My reason for getting through all the bad things - the job losses, attempting to buy a home for our small family, while our landlords keep trading theirs and kicking us out (3rd time's a charm right?), a pandemic, earthquakes, etc, etc - he died. He was my only stability, the one I could go to and not feel like the world was shattering, even if for five minutes.

Even little bits of bad news can feel like a mountain. And this week? Mid to large size.

I should be asleep, I should be crying. I've taught myself to live in the moment. I have developed severe memory loss, because I have no time to process what has occurred, too busy dealing with the next blow.

(It's a whole other post on how much the memory loss rips my heart apart. Two of my closest companions dead, and I can't remember them, to the point I can barely recognize them in photos)

I feel like I'm unable to regulate these emotions. That they're too strong when small things happen, and not strong enough/held-in yet needing release, when big things happen.

My physical health is deteriorating and frankly, I'm tired of not having support when I need it.

I'm on this forum at 1am because no one in my very small support group is awake. Because my therapist blew me off twice in the past two weeks and I don't have the mental capacity or time to leave them and build a relationship with someone else. And because even the only suicide hotline I've found online is unmanned at this hour on a Sunday morning.

I don't know why so many bad things keep happening. I don't know how to stop them. We work our butts off and other people are just cruel. That life and biology are cruel. I wish there were times when the good things outweighed the bad.

------------------------

I don't know how to "work on things" mentally if it's never safe. If it's never stable.

I feel like I need a clean slate in order to clean my slate.

How do you get to working on your triggers if they're so buried under other triggers? If they're so knotted up because you've had one thing trigger another, and that only causes something else bad to happen?
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Default Mar 07, 2021 at 06:18 PM
  #2
I am so sorry you're going through all this. I feel your pain - it comes through in your posts and you express it well and clearly. I wish I had something magical to say to take away your pain. I'm not sure I do. But you deserve better than your therapist who doesn't show up. At the same time, if you are in the grips of depression and trauma, you may be seeing things up close in a certain negative slant. It makes sense and is completely valid how you feel though. I'm so sorry for your losses. Please let me know if there is anything I can say to ease your pain. You have my support.
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Noninde
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Trig Mar 08, 2021 at 03:26 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
I am so sorry you're going through all this. I feel your pain - it comes through in your posts and you express it well and clearly. I wish I had something magical to say to take away your pain. I'm not sure I do. But you deserve better than your therapist who doesn't show up. At the same time, if you are in the grips of depression and trauma, you may be seeing things up close in a certain negative slant. It makes sense and is completely valid how you feel though. I'm so sorry for your losses. Please let me know if there is anything I can say to ease your pain. You have my support.

Thank you for the reply, WovenGalaxy. It means so much to have my feelings validated. It's been a very difficult day and I trust will be a difficult week.

The news last night, threw me back to that week when my boy suddenly died and a few days later our landlords were trying to kick us out/rush other people in to buy the property, only to come to a settlement with people who screamed a lot, and then to get the call that my best friend had also died.

I haven't had to deal with flashbacks and triggers before. It's new and confusing and maddening on top of everything else.

I think it's 50/50 a bad situation and that negative slant you mentioned, assuming it will be worse coming up based on previous, similar situations.

Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

Last edited by bluekoi; Mar 08, 2021 at 11:51 AM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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