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norwegianwoman
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Unhappy Feb 24, 2021 at 08:48 AM
  #1
It has taken me some years to realize this is a real issue for me, that I don't really know how to deal with. This will get long, but I hope some people still read it. Thanks in advance.

Okay, so when I was young I had aggression problems. If I got angry enough it was like I "blacked out" and didn't really have much control over what I did and said. I never really hit people, so it wasn't like people were afraid of me, but I could do things like ruin my own posessions, throw stuff, and go into fits of rage. As I got older many found this amusing, which just made me even angrier, in late middle school people even did things to provoke me on purpose so I would get angry. This was all very shameful and hurtful, too, and I was very embarrassed about reacting like this.

Slowly, as I got older, I got this under control. I can still get very angry but nothing at all like when I was a child, and I manage to keep a level head. It happens still that I say things I know I will regret just to hurt whoever I'm angry at, which I'm not proud of. But I guess everyone does that, at times. Now my anger mostly manifests in that I am lowkey annoyed at small things a lot of the time, lol.

Anyway. Now I am an adult, and I recognize some of the same reaction patterns in me, although not when it comes to anger. I am not really able to emotionally control myself. I very easily get sucked into for example discussions, and I just HAVE to reply. If not, I can lie awake for hours thinking about it and being angry at not expressing how I felt. If I get sucked into a debate on for example Facebook or Twitter I get almost manic. I keep checking to see if anyone's replied, and I can spend a LONG time writing my answers. It has happened that whole work days have really been sucked away by me being unable to tear myself away from some argument or discussion online. And I get so worked up, I feel almost an adrenaline rush, but not in the good way. But in the way that makes me not able to focus on anything else, with my heart rushing and my mind at alert. At the same time, this is VERY mentally exhausting for me. My mood is affected so much by what others write, and I also get so stressed by the entire situation. And I can end up getting depressed by it all if it drags on.

To make matters worse, I work as a journalist, so I should avoid online debates in general. The weeks where I am almost "offline" are much more peaceful and harmonic for me, but to stay connected and pick up stuff online that could be relevant for work I need to be on various social media. People tell me I have no impulse control and just need to think, but it's not that easy. It is almost like a primal drive. I am a very confrontational person, and even though I have always had lots of friends and generally go along with people there are also people who absolutely despise me. It is like something about me provokes people - the way I address others in these kind of debates, the way I present my arguments. Being confrontantional can be good, but sometimes friends let me do their confrontations for them - for example if another friend has treated them badly, and they don't really dare saying anything because they don't want to ruin the mood. I have no problems speaking my mind and ruining the mood.

Now I feel like I am derailing. Either way, this is all becoming such a problem for me. Both because it drains my energy, because I have gotten in trouble at work several times for arguing with people on social media, and because my emotions are so affected. I can also feel sad for days if I feel attacked or misunderstood. I have been the center of Twitter storms a couple of times (again, it is like something about me provokes people, so people get irrationally angry at me for things) and it is awful.

I don't want to live like this, letting these arguments control my life the way they do now. And the impulse to engage in them. It is like back in middle school when I knew someone did things to provoke me but I still got angry. I know I shouldn't fall for the "bait" but I do.

So I guess what I need help with is to control my emotions, to not let them run away with me, and to learn to avoid arguments instead of plowing head-first into them. The only things that help this far is to vent somewhere else - for example, screenshotting stupid things and laughing at them with my friends instead of commenting on them. But I don't really have an outlet and can't expect people to be one. Sometimes I write down all my arguments but don't post them anywhere. It is just this extreme need to express it, in a way. Almost manic.

Sometimes too if I get drunk it is even worse, like I lose all inhibitions and the voice telling me "you probably shouldn't go into an argument with that editor of a competing news outlet or that random neighbour posting stuff" is drowned out entirely.

I sound crazy, I know. And that is the problem. This is becoming a problem for me professionally, it is not doing me any favours socially, and it is exhausting mentally. I hope someone understood what I am trying to express and how I can get some control over it. I am not really a meditation type of person so I don't think that helps. Sometimes I manage to lose everything else when I read and that can be very calming, but if I am in a period where I have many conflicts going at once - like the past few days - I can't concentrate on it.

I have also been somewhat depressed the past few months because of the social isolation and that has made things worse. I feel something in me drives me to seek out conflict because at least then I'll FEEL something.

Any advice?
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Default Feb 24, 2021 at 09:34 AM
  #2
It's definitely a challenge working in the field of media these days. I noticed there is actually a push towards writing articles and not allowing any feedback. I also noticed how discussions are actually monitored where individuals with different opinions than what is desired are actually banned from interacting.

When you were growing up were you expected to go along and keep quiet?
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Default Feb 24, 2021 at 09:51 AM
  #3
Not really, my parents are not the types who think children should be seen and not heard. But I have three older siblings so of course we were four kids all wanting attention from our parents.
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Default Feb 24, 2021 at 11:00 AM
  #4
i don't think you're crazy and i think i can partly relate although i usually end up avoiding confrontation because of my laziness, although that is rather shameful. Are you currently seeing a therapist? i feel like that may help to cope with your struggles. It perhaps won't be easy but it is good to at least try to work on it one step at the time. i'd also suggest to limit your time on social media as they can potentially increase aggresive behavior and if it happen irl try to change subject or move away. So Sorry if this post wasn't particularly helpful but i do Hope that things will improve soon. Do not give up. Stay strong and calm. You deserve much better. Definitely try your best. Hugs. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @norwegianwoman, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Feb 24, 2021 at 11:28 AM
  #5
I don’t know that my advice is very useful. I had a bully after me in middle school and I channeled Mr Spock. I schooled myself not to react or to make sarcastic comments that had others laughing with me at the bully. Star Trek was my favorite show and Spock my favorite character. It started with just schooling my physical self not to react. Over my life I’ve become slow to react to bait and that gives me time to think. Is their maybe someone in your life who you admire the way the handle such situations and that you can try to emulate?

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Default Feb 24, 2021 at 12:01 PM
  #6
Are you familiar with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? DBT was specifically designed for helping with emotion regulation and distress tolerance when emotions are out of control.
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Default Feb 24, 2021 at 01:04 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by norwegianwoman View Post
Sometimes too if I get drunk it is even worse, like I lose all inhibitions and the voice telling me "you probably shouldn't go into an argument with that editor of a competing news outlet or that random neighbour posting stuff" is drowned out entirely.
Not to suggest that you have this problem, but I'm a recovering alcoholic. This part of your post gave me flashbacks. Anger, a loss of inhibition & access to tech that gave me the possibility of immediate release were a dangerous brew. I managed to burn a lot of bridges when these factors came into play. Maybe leaving a post-it note on your computer when you start drinking would help in this instance? Just a suggestion...
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Default Feb 25, 2021 at 12:23 PM
  #8
I have an old "friend", I know him for like 25 years (i am 29) and every time I see him i get a very weird emotional reactions. I feel some fear, disrespect and powerlessness towards him. He can be offensive and say mean things and I don't want to go to his level, so I always try to avoid him. I feel like he views me with disgust and that puts anger in me. Sometimes it feels like fighting back could lead to a huge escalations and I don't really want to end up in a fist fight.
So i always try to avoid having to interact with him because of the emotional response he triggers in me.
He feels somehow more powerful than me and I don't know why. It doesn't make much sense to me!

I always feel like he has something mean to say to me!

Does anyone experience stuff like this?
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Default Mar 17, 2021 at 02:22 PM
  #9
Just a quick update. After I started opening up about this in some of my personal social media I started talking a lot with a woman who said she knew exactly how I felt because she was the same waty. With a head that was never "at rest", etc. And she has ADHD. And she asked me if I had ever got checked for it. Sent me a lot of articles about how it presents in women and it can be quite different from how it presents in men. And I have been to see a psychiatrist who thinks I do actually have ADHD, but I am not through any formal testing yet. Maybe I will finally find an explannation and a way to be at peace with myself and the world. And not have this constant "noise" going on inside and unable to put anything aside and really focus on whatever I am supposed to be doing.
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Default Mar 18, 2021 at 11:41 AM
  #10
I’m happy for you. I don’t have PTSD but I also find hard to deal with my emotions and I agree with what you read in the articles. I’m also convinced that women, specially when they are going through some periods in their lives, they find harder to deal with emotions than men do.
There are biological reasons for this.
I see as fantastic that you can talk with others about this problem, also it would be helpful to learn strategies to help you.

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Default Mar 21, 2021 at 04:09 AM
  #11
I think ADHD may be playing a role in this for you, and I can relate to this myself. I suspect I have it and have not been diagnosed. My one son has, my other son recently has been diagnosed, too, and we suspect several family members have it.

Aside from the problems ADHD causes with distraction, there are behavioral issues associated with it. I think it plays a role in my issues, though it’s so hard to separate one diagnosis from another like MDD, EDD, BPD, OCD etc... the lines blurr between them.

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