[Travelinglady]

I'm starting this thread for providing articles and suggestions/comments about dealing with anger in others and in ourselves. Feel free to offer your personal experiences as well!

The One Word You Should Never Say to Someone Who's Angry, Experts Say

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for starting this thread. It's an important topic. I have a problem with anger... always have had. In my case I've sometimes wondered if it might have something to do with subtle undiagnosed brain damage that would have occurred many years ago. (It's a long story.) Anyway I'll be interested to see what other members come up with in the way of suggestions for dealing with anger, in oneself in particular.

[jeremiahgirl]

TravelingLady,
Good Thread
My experience with anger resides with the dx of BPD and many with this condition struggle with controlling one’s emotions which at times are often explosive in nature.
Unfortunately, in my case I tend to sometimes internalize these emotions otherwise something gets broken. I’ve learned to notice the triggers and go into a different mode (internal dialogue) on what Not to do (focus, distraction) away from outbursts. This isn’t easy but is a valuable tool provided by learning DBT skills.
When around others with anger issues I tend to spiritually pray for calm. In no way do I inject one should calm down. Sometimes these events cause me to literally “freeze” and I become somewhat shocked, but quickly seek my faith for strength.
What I suggest is one learn skills on how to manage one’s anger; yet I know just suggesting one has a problem can produce an outburst. Seeking professional help can also help.
Here’s a resource that may help someone.
DBT RESOURCE: DBT Skills List


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[TunedOut]

It is an instinctual thing for me not to say "calm down" to others but when a family member raises their voice while complaining about me and I classify it as "they got upset". "sorry I upset you", etc--they totally deny it and get more upset. So maybe the word "upset" is just as bad as saying "calm down". That same person tells me to calm down sometimes and at times it is irritating inside (like the article says, I feel I am being calm--maybe my perception of myself is off?) but, mostly, for me, I calm down in order to prove I am calm. However, I think we have just become highly sensitive to each other at times. Perhaps we are just hearing the slightest changes in tone and volume? Maybe we have PTSD because of our past history?

As a child, teenager, young adult, etc--when I felt upset about something, I would tell myself to "sleep on it". Usually, the next day, your emotions have calmed down so if you are still feeling aggravated at that friend or need to tell or write up someone that works for you that their actions were inappropriate, I feel like you are less likely to make a mistake when you wait. Not that my instincts haven't been pretty good on many occasions but now that I am older, I feel like I have a bit more PTSD and some unfortunate patterns (I include myself in the mix) have been established with a couple of people I love so I have to be more careful now than when I was younger.

[Travelinglady]

I think working through my anger was the key to helping me be able to "lose" my borderline-personality diagnosis. It was done with the help of therapists. I made a list of all the things from my childhood I remembered that I was mad about and ultimately tore it up, burned it, and buried it. And I went through hypnosis and a lot of talk therapy and reparenting. I also went through two DBT bouts.

I still remember how that rage felt sometimes. It was scary even to me. It's so nice to have that gone.