Trouble coping

I feel discouraged.

It seems like whenever I have my one day off from working, my SO picks a fight with me. Sometimes it's in the form of snapping at me for no reason, or criticizing me out of the blue. If this were just some acquaintance I'd just make excuses to not be around or avoid.

It throws me off and then I feel crappy for hours. I ask why he's yelling out of the blue and he just denies that he's yelling. Sometimes I even wonder if he likes it when I feel bad.

I'm not sleeping well now. This is almost so predictable that I'm starting to dread my day off. I'm so sad and depressed about this. I'm still depressed from this from a day ago. For me even just short outbursts of voice raising are stressful and put me in a tailspin for hours. And then he acts like nothing happened later while I still feel devastated and discouraged. I've told him this is wearing me down and asked what we can do to keep this from happening, but it still keeps happening.

I feel so devastated. I don't have much hope that this will improve. I was so discouraged I started googling random depression related things. I don't know how to get myself to a more positive place mentally. I've always been introverted, and it's been hard to try to make new friends in the middle of a pandemic. I'm so grateful to have this community.

Thanks for listening to this.

So Sorry that things are being so hard. Have you tried to suggest Couple counseling to him? Unfortunately sometimes couple can go through some very hard times i think. i Hope that he will understand how you're feeling right now and will accept to work on this together. Please feel free to vent and know that i am avaialble even through pm if needed. Hopefully others as well if you ask them. Please do not give up. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Scarlet Alexis, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

The fact he’s denying he’s doing it is concerning; I could understand if he was taking stress out on you (not that I condone that, in the slightest, it’s just a common thing that happens in relationships. Doesn’t mean it’s ok, though) but apologetic later on, but as he’s denying he’s behaving like this, it seems he’s doing it on purpose. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I often felt that way in my marriage -- no time together was ever pleasent. It made me desperate to make things better but never being able to break through. It's a hard place to be and I'm sorry you're suffering. Lack of sleep, depression, anxiet and everything really color and take toll on the mind and body. I hope you can find a way to talk things out with your SO.

Thank you so much for all of the encouragement and support! It really helps.

Today was very busy, which helped a lot.

I do agree that some random crabbiness and things like that are part of the journey in a relationship from time to time, especially like you mentioned if someone comes back and offers an apology. I wish he would go with me to counseling. I may have to just get therapy for myself (my therapist decided to not practice during the pandemic).

It's been a better day today.
I know this is cyclical and usually takes me by surprise, so I'll have to figure out some options for next time it happens. Just getting to share this really helped a lot!

Thank you so much!

I’m sorry to say it, but it sounds like something like intermittent reinforcement - you mention it’s cyclical in nature? If he’s nasty, then nice/back to “normal” (including pretending something didn’t happen), it sounds manipulative to me. I’m not saying he definitely is, but his behaviour, and the fact there’s a pattern in it that you’re picking up on, doesn’t sound right.
Definitely agree with you having individual counselling, it could prove very helpful and be a source of support for you. Don’t be afraid to have a few consultations if you don’t feel the first therapist you meet is right for you.

Thank you @RoxanneToto!

I agree that there have been many times that I have felt some manipulation from him. I will be looking into finding a therapist for me

I'm grateful that the last 2 days have been much better. Also interesting is that he hasn't had any alcohol for the last 2 days. Fingers crossed I don't jinx it!

When we are effected by someone else's criticism for hours, it might be a sign of codependency (One sign is valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself--our behaviors are on a spectrum, as in, you and/or your partner might be a little or a lot codependent or anywhere in between and you and/or your partner might be a little or a lot narcissistic--there is lots of narcissism in our society--IMO, we all have to guard against it and try not to be like that). We all love imperfectly (I include myself in this). I learned to be less codependent by relying more on God's perfect love but I also have found some of Dr. Ramani's tips helpful. For example: